Lost my dad right before Christmas

[Suzilladances]

My father was the strongest man I've ever known. When I was four years old he had a massive heart attack and had a quadruple bypass surgery. In the past 22 years since he had 2 more heart attacks. He had diabetes,asthma, high cholesterol and blood pressure and a myriad of other health problems. Even with all of this he was incredibly active and youthful. He went dancing regularly, worked part time after retirement because he loved it and everyone always thought he was in his early 50s even though he was 65. About a month ago we had a really bad cold spell and he was complaining about having trouble breathing. I was living with him and didn't really worry too much because the man had had 3 heart attacks and was still so strong. 2 weeks ago I went out to dinner with him and his 2 best friends. We had a wonderful time, but he did seem a bit tired and I just thought it was because he had worked that day. We got home and he went straight to bed. I started a fire to keep us both warm and settled onto the couch to watch some tv before passing out (Ive been sleeping on the couch next to the fire since it had been so cold and his room was directly adjoining that room.) I left the door to his room open so he would get a lot of heat. Several hours later I was still awake and I heard him begin to breath very loudly, so loudly I muted the tv and then he moaned loudly a few times. I thought he was having a nightmare and all of a sudden it stopped and I assumed he had gone back to sleep. The next day I woke up pretty late and, I never do this, but I turned the tv back on since I didn't have work that day. I assumed he was already up and about since he's a very early riser. After a little bit I started to feel guilty because I knew if he walked in and saw me laying there like that he would be mad. So I got up and walked into his room. He was still there and I immediately knew something was wrong because he never stays in bed so late. I pulled the covers back and his lips were blue and he was cold and stiff. I lost it and grabbed the phone and called 911. They asked me if they thought he could be revived but I knew it was too late.

My mother left us a long time ago and even though I'm 26 I feel like an orphan now. I've been trying so hard to be positive about the situation. My father gave his entire life to his family and worked so hard and im trying to give him his death in peace. I'm so scared for the future and I miss love and guidance so much. I feel like those sounds of death and the image of him in bed like that will never leave me. I also feel so numb to everything. It's been 2 weeks to the day since I found him dead and I know it's real and that he's gone but I still feel like a little piece of me is in denial or shock or something. I'm so numb abd oddly calm and then I feel guilty like I should be crying non stop and totally losing it. But then I feel like I should be ok with it because I don't want his soul to be worried or feel guilt about leaving.

I guess I don't know how I feel at all. I'm lost and feel like I'm just watching myself live life and im not all the way here anymore. I just don't know anything anymore.

[Tom]

I am sorry for the loss of your Dad - believe me, I know what a gap that will leave in your life.

You have a nice memory of your dad enjoying himself the night before - that's something to cherish, as his last hours were happy, and he passed away at home.

Losing someone whom you loved and were close to is the most emotionally devastating experience a person can have.

Also, do not be surprised if you become overwhelmed with grief in the next few weeks - by which I mean mixtures of extreme feelings of sadness, loneliness, depression, guilt , crying, and even panic attacks from time to time.

From what you describe , at present you are in a sort of pre-shock stage . This is what happened to me. For a few weeks I coped , a little 'numb' and 'matter-of-fact' , and then feelings hit me really hard. Since then I have been very very depressed and feel intense loneliness and I cry a lot.

Crying is good, by the way - it relieves the emotional tension.

It's like a delayed shock .

Don't be surprised IF things get worse for you. Take it day at a time.

If you loved your Dad as much as I loved mine , the grief will be intense when it strikes you.

Nothing anyone can say or do will make any difference - you have to work through it yourself, and its a long hard battle. You can get anti-depressants and go to support groups and talk things over with close supportive friends, but when you are alone ........ you will feel very alone

It gets better in time I am told . I am waiting for that time to come.

[Blackrock]

Write something you wanted to say to your dad and burn it to him. You're suppose to feel sad, guilty, regrets, lonely etc. and that's all normal. I lost my dad just before thanksgiving this year due to heart failure as well. We are here for each other to support and lean on. Feel free to write out your feelings. Sometimes it's the best to get it out.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[deefrap]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad- I can relate to the loss you feel. I cried in my car driving to work, the day they took him to Hospice but I was stoic at his wake and funeral. I could not cry that day. Do not worry about not crying or feeling numb, everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. The day I lost it completely I was do nothing special, I was at my Mom's home and was fixing coffee for her, myself and my husband. I had pulled the sugar bowl out of the cupboard like I always did and a massive rush of emotion came over me. I suddenly remembered how he used to ask if there was sugar in his cup and I cried like a baby the sense of loss was horrible. It was almost two months after the funeral that this happened. My husband took me to Disney for a belated honeymoon seven months later, Dad always to bring me as I never went, he always said someday he would take me to see Cinderellas Castle in the Magic Kingdom, when we passed through the gates and I saw the castle I cried like a baby. I remembered his voice making the promise to take me. If you need to talk more I am willing to listen.

[teacheroz]

I am so glad I found you all. My father died very unexpectedly on 12/16. I am overwhelmed with grief and cry at the drop of a dime. I always felt guilty for moving away to go to college and never moving back home, but visited whenever I could. Now I am adding to that guilt for not being there for him the last week of his life. My mom was in the hospital and I was going to surprise them and make a trip home the Friday (4 days after Dad passed). Maybe I should have told dad I was planning the trip....maybe that would have helped him.....I just feel like this is a horrible dream and I will wake up and be able to talk to him again.....

[WestCoastGirl]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your father. How awful it is to lose a loved one, I think it is natural to feel numb and what you went through is tough, I sure your dad is watching over you. I lost my dad a week before Christmas and like your dad my dad gave his entire life to the family.. I am scared for the future. I'm sending you strength and good thoughts.

[Sehausle]

I am so sorry you're going through this pain. I too was one of the first to see my dad after he died (and I am similar in age - 27). He drowned and was pulled onto the beach before my eyes. You never forget what he looked like- that blue you mentioned... and the experience itself is so devistating. When in one moment someone so filled with warmth and life is gone, it's so so awful.

 

I am struggling with letting myself feel a lot of those  emotions- I think that is something many people experience too. It's almost scary when I hear that it will hit hard eventually...because I remember the first few days and how intense those feelings were, the thought of feeling them again seems unbearable. 

 

No one should have to suffer alone - and no that you're not. It doesn't take a family member to know what grief feels like, and I encourage you to make yourself reach out. Whether it's this forum, or church, a counseling group, therapist etc. I can't say I've found the solution because I am currently struggling with very similar feelings but I hope telling the story and having someone who listens and feelings your pain will help.

 

Sending encouragement and love your way.

 

[Breee]

This is my first time on here. I also felt alone in my grief.  I recently lost my dad to an aggressive cancer (he died 7 weeks after his diagnosis) and he died looking into my eyes. I did not see any blue color like others posted about, but I watched his eyes go black and felt his heart slowly stop beating. 

Sometimes I feel lost, other times depressed, angry. Just from reading your experiences I feel a little less alone in my day to day struggles. 

Thank you for that, stay strong and as they say, live day by day...

[Suzilladances]

thank you all so much for your kind words. Today is the 1 month anniversary of his death. Really missing him right now. It hurts. My love and strength to you all