Christmas is over, yeahhhh!!!!!!!

[Sammijo2424]

Thank God Christmas is over!!! I held it together as best I could for the sake of my children and grandchildren, though Christmas Eve I had a major breakdown, my grandson who is 8 came into room and said what's wrong, grandma. I stopped crying long enough to say i just miss Pappa, and he said Pappa is in a better place, it will be ok, I was amazed that this 8 year old boy could provide such comfort.

My husband's family had a Christmas Eve get together. I was not invited, did not even know about it until my stepdaughter told me. Not only did I lose my husband but also part of my family. My husband would be so ashamed of his family. I was somewhat prepared though because I also was not invited to thanksgiving. Hard to believe they would do that to me my first year without my husband. My relationship with them is totally over, except my stepdaughter. My stepson has not spoken to me since summer when he asked for $70,000 for him and his sister's portion of my house when I die, I had my banker deal with him, my banker was mad that he even asked and was not nice. I ended up just saying no one will get anything until I die. Unfortunately I go to same church as my husband's brother and sister in law, funny how when in public they ask me to go to lunch after church. Sure hope they do not ask again cause I might have to cause a scene.

Now all the kids are gone, when they ALL were here I was overwhelmed, it was just too much, but I would just go into bedroom for awhile, lay down and cry and then go back to them and all the noise. I had 8 grandchildren here ranging in age 2-9 years. My house is now too quiet, I am so very alone. I have been laying in bed since yesterday doing nothing. I mourn my old life with my husband, he always made everything better. My mind knows that life ended 11 months ago, but my heart, it has not caught up.

I know it is time to go forward and begin a new life, try to find who i am without my husband, I have tried volunteering, go to see counselor every week to 2 weeks, but it is time to step forward even more. My husband would never want me to lay around being sad and crying all the time, all he ever wanted was for me to be happy.

i am going to daughter's house tomorrow to keep a couple of my grandkids while they go out for new year's and then on New Year's Day i will cook my New Year's Day dinner, of black eyed peas and cabbage. I will make new year's resolutions and try (haha) to stick to them.

Happy New Year to everyone.

[HeyJude]

Hi Sammy!!! I am so glad it is over too!!! I'm thinking of converting to Jehovah Witness...lol!! Just kidding!! Saturday is the one year mark for me and I'm having a terrible time. I feel like I'm in a panic, kind of like an anxiety attack. My heart is just pounding like crazy. Don't feel bad, my husband's family has pretty much written me off too. I was with Jerry for 34 years!! 34 years I was part of this family and now I don't matter at all. Jerry would be very ashamed too. The only one who keeps in touch with me is Jerry's brother. He is having a hard time dealing with it too.

Christmas Eve my mother says to me "if Jerry were here he would go and get some Christmas cheer." So I went and got me a pint of Crown Royal, Stopped at Wendy's and got a Sprite and went to the cemetery and had a drink with Jerry. And cried. I hate this life!!! This isn't what I wanted.

[Sammijo2424]

Last night I dreamed my husband came back, I was shocked he was here and oh, so happy. Kept saying, how can this be?, he said he did not know but was just happy he was here. It was soooo real, when I woke up it was horrible to realize it was just a dream, I cried and cried.

My daughter said...It is a new year for you, be happy. Told her turning another page on calendar did not change anything, going forward is just so hard, crappy and horrible. Jude---I HATE this life too, so wish I could have stayed in my dreamworld.

[Kurtybearhugs]

Sammijo, It's been 11 months!! Outsiders think that there is something wrong with you..... You think there is something wrong with you.... (what are you still crying about? - kind of stuff) When I say "It's been 11 months!!", I use the !!!! because it has ONLY been 11 months. "That's not very long." is the universal response that comes from people have been through it..... It takes an average of 3 to 5 years to start feeling ok again. In fact, it can take six months for grief to fully settle in, during which time, we continually ask ourselves if we are going insane, and when this **** is going to start getting better, instead of worse? You seem to think that you are somehow behind the curve here, but I can definitely say that you are doing just fine. You will recover one day, but not today, or even tomorrow. It took me about 3 years, and now, at 4 years plus, I can still cry, if I am talking or typing about certain really traumatic things, and I cry a lot more often at movies, but the crushing grief is long gone, and overall, I am truly content, and I am currently finding myself interested in a particular lady who I have know for a while. This stuff takes time, and lots of it. Be patient with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. You're just grieving. Love and Hugs, Kurt

[HeyJude]

Sammy...they do come to us in our dreams. I just finished a book, "Hello From Heaven". If your dream was so real to you, more so than any other dream you may have, then it was him coming to you!! I totally believe that with all my heart.

Ughh..a year ago today was the last time I saw my husband. He was transferred to a physical rehab and I had to drive up there (80 miles away) to take him some things he would need. Just a little over 24 hrs later the ER doc was telling me they tried and tried but just couldn't get him back.

I can't deal with this.