Complications I Never Considered (Remarriage)

[upsidedown]

I don't know where else to go and I'm at my whits end. This will probably sound like a rant, but I feel I have no other outlet. Hate feeling I even need to post, but who do I talk to??

I lost my wife 6 years ago after a 1-1/2 battle with cancer. It sucked! No need to go on - everyone can relate. I had a 4 year old daughter and just focused on that for a while. Now years later I'm remarried. Happy things are going great. Felt it was a good safe move to remarry. I truly love my new spouse, but after a short time of being married complications are starting to creep in.

It's jealousy. I really feel that's what it is and I try to squash it and show her I'm so focused on her but she doesn't get it. It's a competition. I don't talk about my former wife because I've sensed some uneasiness from current wife, so I just try to encourage her that I really do love her as much. I guess it doesn't make sense to others that haven't had it happen to them, but I do feel you can love two people, but she doesn't get it. There are just little jabs here and there that are driving me nuts!! The mail for one. Yes, 6 years later I get junk mail that has mine and my former wife's name on it. I can't help it, it just comes. Yet the other day I got a comment as she flopped the mail down, "You and "J" got some mail". I just bit my tongue, not wanting to cause a fight. Christmas got weird because she wanted a new beginning, because my daughter asked if she could buy an ornament in memory of mom for the tree (a tradition we've done every year). Current spouse objected to this because we were "making shrines all over the house" I flipped on this because I had only one picture in the house of my former spouse in a small "memory" frame. Not talking about no poster over the fireplace. I pulled it off the shelf and put it away. Not a great night!! We later talked and she made the point that if my daughter kept buying ornaments after 18 years we would have 18 ornaments on the tree. I could see her point, just hard to break tradition. We left all ornaments boxed away and bought everything new. My daughter understood and it went' pretty well, but there was some tears shed. It went' better than I thought. But now what about the birthday balloons we release every year? Do we stop? My former wife wanted so bad to be remembered and her daughter to remember her, I feel I'm betraying her all the while trying to support current wife. Very tough!!!

My mother is bad about never taking down pictures. NEVER. There's my baby pics still up. Her house rarely changes. Of course there were pics of my past. My wife made comments about this and I finally asked mom if she could take them down. She now has pics up of our new family and I felt everything went well. However at Christmas my wife I believe seen some small pics of me and former in a small frame. A collage you would have to dismantle to even change out. Of course when we got home I heard the comment, "well, I'm moving up the ladder of pictures, maybe one day I"ll be on top". Gosh that hurt. My eyes welled up. Why, why why??? It's not a freaking competition!!! Did she not think about this before we were married? What were her expectations on marrying a widow?

My wife lost her father within the last couple of years. Still very hard for her and she talks about him a lot and has dreams and everything. I thought we could lean on each other early on the relationship, but that doesn't happen. She doesn't want to hear about my loss. She talks a lot about hers, but I have to just shake my head and be supportive. I can't talk to anyone because I don't want to betray her. Meaning I don't want my family or friends to think bad of her for being like this. Plus she would flip if she knew I talked to anybody. So I'm just mute day after day. And I can handle it most of the time, but this week our communication changed dramatically. We were best buds the first 4 months of marriage, now it's different. She throws up walls when mad but she says everything is fine. It's not!! Things are weird. Just weird. I don't know if it's her mourning her dad, depression, something I've done, what? When I'm happy in a relationship I can move on from the past and focus, but when it's like this my anxiety and past hurt all starts resurfacing.

I've mentioned counselor in the past for marriage, for her grieving her father, but she won't have anything to do with it. I finally called about one the other day but I don't want to spend that much since I don't have insurance. So...that's how I ended up here!

[AuntBarbRox]

I can only imagine what you are going through. This is my first post here and I hope I am not overstepping. I am sorry to say this but as an "on-looker" your present wife sounds totally self-absorbed. It is painful beyond belief to lose a spouse. You not only lose the person you love most in the world, but you lose your life as well...life as a couple and life as parents together. Your present wife must realize that your first wife is a precious part of you that can not just be eliminated from your memories. If she fell in love with you then she fell in love with all you are and all you have been and part of what you have been is a husband to another that you loved dearly. My husband passed away nearly two years ago and I came here because the pain is still so acute I can hardly stand it. If I could not talk about him I would be in the deepest pain I could think of. Your present wife sounds like she has some other underlying insecurities that causes her to react with such lack of empathy for what you have been through. I don't know you, yet, I am still so sorry for your loss and what you went through during her illness. It must have been terrifying to face life without her with a four year old daughter. Remember, your daughter deserves to have memories of the Mother she knew and loved for four years. You deserve to have the memories have a love lost. It does not mean you can not completely love someone else also. It sounds like your wife really does need some guidance to help her accept this but in no way should you ever let the memories of your first wife diminish, especially for the sake of your daughter.

[Karen.Lyn]

I'm sorry for your loss and all the trouble that's come since. I'm sorry to say but I don't think your wife is going to change. I suggest you try marriage counseling. If she refuses, you will need to decide if you can really live with things the way they are. Sometimes life is just hard and we do what we have to do.

[obakesan]

Hi

I don't know where else to go and I'm at my whits end. This will probably sound like a rant, but I feel I have no other outlet. Hate feeling I even need to post, but who do I talk to??

well here I guess, and no, it didn't sound like a rant ... I've had them and this wasn't in the ballpark.

my condolances for your loss. I lost my wife to a brain cancer just last year ... no more to say.

You are touching on something which is my current concern. My wife was the most understanding person I've ever met (and thats probably one of the reasons I married her). The well meaning-both-feet-in-mouth types I work with have suggested to me that I'll be all ok in a few years and get married again. I can't see it happening.

I feel that one of the criteria for me must be that the person I meet simply must be able to tolerate and accept the love that I will always have for my wife. No matter what feelings I may develop for anyone noone can ever tell me I did not love my wife, noone can ever try to get in the middle of that and attempt to pry it apart. I would be as unwilling to accept that as I would be someone trying to get me to deny the love I had of my mother and to attempt to remove her from my life.

simple

IFF someone was the type to be unaccepting of the relationship I had and have with Anita then ... well that would simply mean that I had no future with that person.

That a person would feel any threat from the love that I have for my wife is to me ridiculous. Short of killing myself I have no way of leaving them and going back to my wife ... its not like the 'cheating on your wife' scenario in that way.

It sounds to me that the woman you are married to now has not come to accept that you loved your wife, and that it is final because (quite simply) she is dead.

I can't advise you as to what you should do but what I would do would be to discuss this with her in these terms.

As has been said, your daughter at the very least loves her mother and while she may come to love the woman you're married to now, that is something which may grow. It is equally dependent on the woman you're married to now to help that love to grow as it is on your daughter.

Current spouse objected to this because we were "making shrines all over the house" I flipped on this because I had only one picture in the house of my former spouse in a small "memory" frame. Not talking about no poster over the fireplace.

to me this is about power plays ... as a person who loved you would not make such demands ... assuming you are telling the story flat neutral here.

I pulled it off the shelf and put it away. Not a great night!! We later talked and she made the point that if my daughter kept buying ornaments after 18 years we would have 18 ornaments on the tree. I could see her point, just hard to break tradition. We left all ornaments boxed away and bought everything new.

this person is coming across as insensitive and incapable of grasping the situation (I mean of your grief and at the same time of the love you had for your wife). I don't think either that this was a well timed and well thought out way to handle the situation. These things need to be treated carefully.

I have an old saying. Love is fragile, don't break it. You can repair what is broken but it will remain a broken repaired thing. Love stands tests and like fitness its endurance is built with tests and recovery. Don't expect to smash it into a wall and have it standing after that.

I wish you wisdom and strength in solving this problem. Not knowing more I can't really say more.

Best Wishes

[Kurtybearhugs]

Upside down.... Been there, done that. Fortunately, I found all this out before I married her. I know couples who met in grief support groups after both losing their spouses, and the same thing happened, and it's always the women. The more insensitive, and emotionally dysfunctional of them can be very irrational, possessive, jealous, venomous bitches, without regard to 'our' feelings. You would think that they would be happy to be with a guy with could love that deeply, and accept your past with grace and understanding, but instead we are supposed just turn it off like a switch, and forget. Your daughter being caught in the middle is a shame as well. Maybe if you two did separate decorating and pictures in your daughter's room.... You will have to put your foot down though, and I know how most of us nice guys try hard to keep the peace. The most troubling part of the whole thing is her unwillingness to even discuss counseling. Hospice organizations typically offer counseling at no charge, so at least maybe you and your daughter could go. Again, you may have to put your foot down, or not tell her about it at all. Your choice. I fully realize that most people are not emotionally healthy, and are most often resistant to therapy / changing themselves, but this situation is alarming to me, because you are having to ignore your grief, and hold back your grief, (it ain't over yet) and that is only going to cause problems. You owe it to your daughter, and to yourself to take good loving care of yourself, so that you can give her the dad she deserves. You sound like a nice guy, and I wish you well. Feel free to vent all you want. It is how we heal. Kurt

[Annie_]

I know this is not the same situation, but may perhaps give some perspective. My husband had been married before and had also had other long-term relationships before we met. However, for me he was my first relationship, first love, first everything. I did struggle for a while with jealousy and insecurities when he would talk about one of his previous relationships or some experience he had had when he was with someone else. I felt that although everything was new for me it was old hat for him. But in the end, I was eventually able to get past that by realizing that those past relationships and experiences (both good and bad) played a part in making him into the man I knew and loved.

Two people can make new experiences and create their own history together without suppressing or wiping clean memories and past experiences. But it does require each person to become secure in who they are within themselves and also secure in their role as a spouse. There is no point in trying to erase the past or trying to compete with it. I think life is more of a marathon and sometimes different people carry the torch during different parts of one's life. Living in the present moment is what matters and it can be done without diminishing in any way the memories and experiences that were shared with those who have gone before.

[AuntBarbRox]

Upsidedown,

You have gotten some really good advice here from some really good people. It is evident that this situation can not continue as is, for both your sake and the sake of your daughter. When your daughter does turn 18 or so and has years of precious ornaments to remember her Mom by, she can take the ornaments with her when she leaves home and begins her future life (and has her own tree) and yes, they will be precious to her!

I wish you the best of luck in getting this resolved with your present spouse, I really do. ~Barb

[Silvergirl61]

I'm sorry for your loss, and for the troubles you are experiencing now. I like what was said earlier, about not knowing the whole situation..and I hate to say too much, since I don't.

I have been married twice,so had Dennis been married before, but the first one ended in divorce, not like this one. When Dennis and i first got married , we had some issues involving former spouses, but we were able to sit down..talk to each other about the reactions we were having to the different comments that were being made, and work them out. Everyone around us assumed i would be jealous or upset , if I saw pictures of him with his first wife, who was a very pretty , tiny petite lady, who does not resemble me at all. What bothered me, was the embarrassed looks , the whispers , and the strange behavior i was seeing ( people Hiding pictures when i would come in, the sudden whispers to each other if the name was mentioned, etc.etc.) In my mind, it made me feel as though, maybe the family didn't accept me , the way they had her, or maybe they thought i wasn't good enough for him, or some silly thing like that. Finally, I simply asked him, if we could talk about her, because I had some questions, but I wouldn't push it , if he didn't want to talk about it with me, and in the discussion that followed, we cleared up a lot of silly misunderstandings.

I wasn't jealous of his first wife.. I was just a bit insecure about all the whispers and secrecy. Maybe what your present wife needs to do is this..remember that she is with you now, and be grateful to your former wife, for helping to shape the man you are, and let it go at that. I have some photos of a young Dennis , having a great time, and smiling his wonderful smile, in the company of his first wife. I have to say, they were a cute couple, and it makes me smile to see him so happy. I'm sorry for the pretty young wife who left him much too soon, because she lost all those years , with a wonderful man. I am so grateful that I had those later years, and that we were able to put together a life with each other, later on. There is no competition there, nor do I worry about something so silly as who he will love better, if we all end up in the same after world. He loved both of us.. but..we each had our own place in his heart...and hearts can love a lot more than one or two people... if you just let them. If i am ever lucky enough to reach the place where i can love someone else.. I hope that it is someone who can understand that, because I can no more just forget Dennis, than i can forget myself.. he is a part of who I am now.

As to the other situation.. it is your daughter, and her memories of her mother. I would suggest that you attempt to find a way to support her in keeping her memories f her mother, and the traditions that are important to her, if you can discuss this with your wife in such a way that she can understand that that relationship has nothing to do with the relationship she has with your daughter.

The step parent / stepchild relationship, no matter what you call it , can be a difficult one.. and I think you are wise to try and get your wife to consider going to some kind of counseling with you, if she will. We did that as a family unit, to help my daughters reach a place where they were able to feel fortunate to have two "dads" who both loved them, with or without a prefix attached, but it was tough going for some time.

I wish you all the best, and think that if it's at all possible to seek some kind of outside help, I encourage it. Sometimes an uninvolved person can help you reach a compromise that makes you both happy, without all the other issues affecting the situation . Please explore some options, maybe through your church affiliations , if you have one..or possibly through some sort of low or non cost support group.

Reading over this, I hope you understand too..that i can only speak from my own experience, and nothing I say here may have any relevance to your situation. Only you can know that. Good luck.

[upsidedown]

Thank you everyone for the advice. Sometimes it seems your the only one going through problems and it's somewhat comforting to know that others have been in your shoes. Not comforting that you experienced pain, but just knowing there are other people like yourself. You can read self help books and the like, but often they don't hit on what your going through. Too generalized.

I would definitely consider counseling but at this time she's not open for it. I believe several of you mentioned the insecurity issue which I believe is a lot of it But that also makes it difficult to go to counseling because she would have to face those issues. And yes silvergirl I do have a church support but it goes back to there’s not really a “group” for my situation, and how I really don’t want to discuss problems we may be having. I do love my wife and I guess I feel like I would be griping about her. I mean really we do have a good marriage, it’s just these issues would bring us even closer. It is a new marriage and I hope as silvergirl and annie mentioned with theirs that the jealousy will ease with time.

Kurt I hope you do find someone one day that will be understanding. I always thought someone marrying me would have it easy since there is no competition from a former spouse, but apparently that is not true. I hope you find someone who will embrace your previous life.

Obakesan, I also hope you find someone that was as understanding as your first wife. Looking back on my life after that first year of losing my wife was so tough, trying to figure things out. I made some mistakes, but made it through it. Hang in there. Will it be ok in a few years and you’ll get married? Maybe, Mabye not. That’s up to you and if you find someone then good for you. If not – so be it. It will be more clear as you go along.

I sincerely thank all of you for your time and advice.

[obakesan]

Hi

Obakesan, I also hope you find someone that was as understanding as your first wife. Looking back on my life after that first year of losing my wife was so tough, trying to figure things out. I made some mistakes, but made it through it. Hang in there. Will it be ok in a few years and you’ll get married? Maybe, Mabye not. That’s up to you and if you find someone then good for you. If not – so be it. It will be more clear as you go along.

thanks for your kindness. Personally I'm in a place where I have no desire at all to meet another woman and build another relationship. Its for the simple reason that I just don't feel lonely in that way. Its a vexing thing to attempt to describe, as most certainly I feel alone, I just don't want anyone else.

When I had relationship endings in the past (the longest one before my marriage was 5 years together) I always felt that I wanted to pick my self up, dust off and find someone else. I didn't want to be wasting my life alone.

Now I don't feel that way. I still love Anita as if she was here. Its hard to explain, perhaps I've gone slightly mad?

Best Wishes to you in solving your issue.

[HeyJude]

No obaskesan, you are not insane. I feel the same way about my husband. I am still very much in love with him. There will never be another man in my life, I just know it. I honestly don't think there is another man out there who can even compare to my husband.

[Alone]

I too cannot fathom finding anyone, or for that matter anything that could fill the void left by my Tom. Everyday day we were together I found that I loved him more than the day before. Even now my love for him continues to grow.

[llovern]

Upsidedown, I hope you can find a way to resolve this issue. I feel badly for you and your daughter. Your daughter needs to be able to cherish the memory of her mother.

If I were to remarry, it would have to be to someone who would understand that I will always love my husband. However, I can't even imagine being in a relationship with another man ever. It is just unthinkable.

[upsidedown]

Well obaskesan, going through this makes you feel a little insane. I know I’ve had times I felt like I was losing it. It’s just part of the healing process.

Many of you have expressed that you just can’t imagine moving on. And that’s fine. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. At this point I wished I felt that way. But I did feel like moving forward and made a commitment to another person. I focus on my current wife, but I just want her to understand that she doesn’t need to compete. I’ve tried to explain that when you lose someone you don’t reflect back on them the way you did when they were alive. It’s not some romance novel where I have fantasies about a past love. It’s more of missing a dear friend or family member. I want to love my current wife and respect my former wife, especially for my daughter’s sake.

Once again another argument this weekend. A mutual friend quoted something my past spouse said. Super short in passing. But I was later told how my wife always has things thrown in her face. That it had been 6 years and people can’t just let her go. It got heated. Real heated. I begged her for us to go to counseling – but she won’t. She says counselors are for sick people and we’re fine. We’re NOT!!

[HeyJude]

You are experiencing a very unfortunate situation upsidedown. I feel for you. It is totally insecurities on your current wife's part. She needs help, not you. I think you have everything in it's proper perspective. She is the one who keeps feeling like she is in second place.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that your wife must be fairly young. The type of insecurities she is exhibiting are usually by young women. I remember being sort of insecure that way myself. But age does something, maturity maybe? I had to deal with an ex-wife.

I am sure there has to be books on that subject. Buy one and give it to her. I'll see if I can find anything.

[Alone]

Dear upside down - I am one of the responses that said I can't imagine having someone new in my life. But my situation is so very different than yours. You are young with a child to raise. You may have hopes of more children. I used to think I was young for my age but I now feel like a very old and tired sixty. I had a very bad first marriage followed by an excellent second marriage. I know how lucky I was to find my soulmate later in life.

It sounds as though you really want this marriage to work. Second marriages are difficult in the best situations. Please be kind to yourself and to your daughter. Listen to your heart as well as your mind and don't be afraid to go to counseling alone if that helps you through this difficult situation. You can't take care of your daughter if you don't take care of yourself.

[obakesan]

Well obaskesan, going through this makes you feel a little insane.

yep

Once again another argument this weekend. A mutual friend quoted something my past spouse said. ...

That it had been 6 years and people can’t just let her go. ...

She says counselors are for sick people and we’re fine. We’re NOT!!

forgive me for stepping over the line, but if you're having heated arguments then you're not fine. Especially if there is no solution. Anita and I had some heated arguments but we were in the process of working through things. And we did work through them (which I guess I should be thankful that we did work through them before she died).

There was progress after each time.

I would raise the point that if there is not any progress then perhaps an external person could act as a neutral arbitrator. If counseling has such 'sick' connotations.

best wishes

[obakesan]

No obaskesan, you are not insane.

well that's a little disappointing ... there was some sort of perverse comfort I took in that I may be going mad...

:-)

[upsidedown]

She walked out 3 days ago. It's all over how I'm supposedly still grieving and how my daughter and her grandmothers are trying to hold on to the memory of her mother. So much B.S. Only thing she finally said she'll go to a counselor. We'll see where that goes. I always thought the hardest times were in the past. I thought I had found life again, but it's all a twisted up mess!!

[AuntBarbRox]

I am so sorry. You really don't deserve this. It is a serious situation and you must insist on counseling before reconciliation. It must be so confusing for your daughter and in my opinion she is the most important factor in this. She must accept that she can not expect you or your daughter to erase the memories of your first wife. I wish you the very best in trying to iron this out. Barb

[HeyJude]

Im sorry to hear about this upsidedown. But it may be for the best, yanno? If she will go to counseling that will be a good thing. If I ever do date again I think I'm only going to date widowers. There has to be some level of understanding. It isn't like I divorced my husband. Our love wasn't over, far from it. We had fallen even deeper in love through the years, there is no way on God's green earth that I could ever just forget about him. I know that I do have the capacity to love again but this person is going to have to understand.