Mom caused my Dad's death

[LostMyDadDec4]

My mother has a personality disorder which has never been officially diagnosed, however I know she has it because of her very odd behavior patterns. My Dad passed away in the early morning hours of Dec 4th, at 3 AM. Eight hours earlier, my mother went on a rant at his bedside that she will not pay for 24 hour nursing care that my father needed upon his discharge from the hospital. He had been in the hospital for 12 nights, every night I was sitting with him, we were waiting to get a feeding tube in him for a temporary fix, until his Parkinsons meds kicked in. It was all worked out and after the feeding tube was placed (and I was with him all day, every step of the way), he began to improve, not only feeling better, but speaking legibly (he never had any dementia, just hard to speak when you have temporarily lost the ability to swallow). All of his nausea was gone, he even asked me for TV for the very first time since his ordeal started about 6 weeks ago.

However, on the evening before his death, my mother's personality disorder kicked in. She said she would "take away" the health care proxy that my father assigned to me, "you'll be sorry," she said. She told me, right in front of my father, that if I wanted 24-hour nursing for my father, then I should pay for it, she will not.

I left my father's side because it was the only way to get my mother to stop ranting about the money.

When I returned, she left. I bent over to kiss my father and he looked up with me with these soooo very sad and worried eyes, and said, "she is going to kill me. If you can pay, then please pay." oh I ran to the other side of the bed to sit closer to my father and took his hand and REMINDED him that, of course, he will get the 24 hour nurse which he needed for at least 2 to 4 weeks after arriving at home. I explained to him that not only did we all have enough money for this, but Medicare also will pay for some of it, and that I will sleep over for the first week and if mom is uncomfy with all of it, we will send her to a neighbor to sleep for a few nights, and be out of the way of the nurse until there is a definitive routine established for my dad and the nurses. And he said ok, and he held my hand (I took a picture of our hands together), and he asked for TV, and I got so happy that he was FEELING BETTER!!!

But he died later that night. He died after starting to get better. He had lost his will to live. He needed his throat suctioned periodically and for 12 nights all night long, he would call out for help to the ICU nurses, but on that last night, he decided to die, he did not call out when he needed the help. He had decided to die, rather than go home to my crazy mother.

I wanted to kill my mother, but she has NO IDEA that what she said was so horrible. She cannot comprehend any consequences to anyone but herself regarding the hurtful things she says and does. I feel sorry for her, yet I am tremendously angry with her, because she caused my sister to move far away, she hastened the death of my father, and now I know that I am next in line. I don't know what to do, other than seek a support group for adult kids with crazy parents. And by crazy, I mean, real personality disorder, which is not curable, and which my mother denies the existence of (she says I am the crazy one), and not the kind of crazy which would put her in a home, no, she functions quite well whether she is hurting her loved ones or not. I cannot cut off contact with her (she has cut me and my sister off from herself and my father for years at a time for the most trivial acts), because of guilt and her friends calling me to get me to come back to her and when I say no, then I am the bad one.

So I cry every night for my father, who really died of a broken heart, even though I explained to him many times that mom does not mean the mean things she has always said to him, but this last thing she said in front of him was beyond comprehension and repair- she went too far- and I believe he took his own life, that night, he did not want to go home to a wife who thought about money before his healthcare, and they had more than enough to cover the cost of a temporary nurse and other part-time help.

So, too much rambling on. but needed to explain that it is a double-whammy, to lose the beloved parent and to be left with the mean/dysfunctional one and my sister lives thousands of miles away, i am now the one she expects to care for her, and entertain her with visits and to call her every day to see how SHE is feeling, meanwhile, she does not even consider the fact that I lost my father.

anyone else have this going on? I am so envious of all of the women who miss their moms, because they were best friends and now their mom is gone. i know i won't feel that way when the time comes. It will always be a missing part of my life. but my dad was a king to me. the best, sweetest, kindest and loving dad in the world. Miss him every minute and so very sad that I could not help him go home to a loving home. so sad.

[Silvergirl61]

I'm sorry for your loss, and hope you will be ok. I think you might benefit from seeing someone to help you through this. As for your mom? I have not always had the best time with mine either..and i get the guilt , etc... but you also have to learn to take care of you and do what is best for you, no matter how hard. Wishing you the best.

[Johnny Cake]

Wives with personality disorders can be brutal. The personality disorders particularly the Cluster B type are IMO less like a psychological disorder amd more like a virulent moral failing. The worse part about women with cluster be is that they are therapy resistant. Your mother sounds like true sociopath. There's no hope for them either.

I'm not sure what turns women that way but I know that after the change/menopuase my mother's antics went into high gear. She was brutal to my father in so many ways. I guess you just have accept the fact that your mother is a bad mother and was a bad wife. I believe that the stress and other crap my mother people my pa through hastened his death. Both my parents are deceased. My dad went first and even after his death she told awful lies about him.

The good thing is, when she finally dies part of you will be happy that she's gone. Don't feel guilty about that. Enjoy it.

Take solace that you were one of those few people who was loved unconditionally by your father. Altruism is indeed rare.