Just lost my boyfriend, I don't know how to deal

[jacksgirl87]

Hi,

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend died suddenly. We were on Skype together when it happened, and the police couldn't find him for over an hour so I was just sitting there watching him be dead for an hour. I've barely gotten out of bed since I got back from the funeral.

What makes this more complicated is that I'm 26 and have watched nearly everyone around me die. My Mum died of a brain aneurysm when I was 18, all of my grandparents died, two of my best friends, and last year within two weeks of each other my closest coworker committed suicide followed immediately by my Dad's sudden death (he and I weren't close to begin with but had recently started talking again). I feel like everyone I love keeps dying. It has all been sudden and unexpected. I feel like I have never been able to stop grieving because I lose 1 to 2 close people each year for the past ten years.

My boyfriend was only 32. I think he had heart failure or something.

I don't understand what I'm supposed to do now. We were planning to get married and adopt a kid and spend our lives together.

I feel so completely alone. People keep trying to help, but it feels suffocating. It's hard for me to get out of bed now.

I've been lucky because I was already on stress leave from my job due to having heart palpitations from stress, so I don't have to work right now. But that's ending in a week and a half. My job is a social work job, so I counsel people all day and help them with their problems, but I just can't right now. Hearing about anyone else's problems just makes me so angry.

I don't know what to do.

And I think I'm really afraid because I don't know how to live my life now. Am I going to date again at some point? How could I? I don't want him to think I stopped loving him.

I have a therapist but I haven't seen her yet since this happened.

I don't know what I'm looking for here..

But thanks for listening.

[backyarder1]

Hi Jacks Girl. Wow. You have experienced an overwhelming amount of loss in your life. I think its very important for you to find some sort of grief support group or grief counselor. You can often find them at local hospice organizations or hospitals may be able to tell you where to find them. But its an important first step. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly too and I am feeling some of the same things you are. All of my plans for the future were taken when he died. But that is true for many of the people on this forum. The first step is to deal with your loss, though. The grief process can get pretty brutal and you need to keep your body and mind strong to get through it. Do you have family or friends in the area who can help you? If so, don't be afraid to tell them what you need. I think it is common for people to want to distract you instead of just letting you grieve. Sometimes what you really need is someone to just be in there house there with you or on the other end of the phone while you talk or cry or do whatever you need to do.

[Kurtybearhugs]

Amen to all of that from Backyarder1. This is no time to be shy about asking for help, and there are many nice people in this world who will be glad to do just that. Many of those "professionals" who helped me through the worst times are still some of my best friends, and it's been four years now. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I always hated to ask for help and I also had a terrible time making new friends. I learned how to do both of those things, and despite my grief, my loss, and my shattered dreams, I am a better person for what I went through. I actually like myself for the first time ever. This probably seems like a foreign language to you right now, but more simply, if I can do it, you can do it, too. Try to be kind and patient with yourself, you will need lots of TLC for a while, even if you have to do it yourself. This is a great website, with lots of nice people, who will "listen" and not judge, and that is where the healing starts. This site has the option of private messages if you hold your cursor over the person's username for a moment, it will appear. If you get to know a few people around here, you are sure to find someone you can really connect with. If you would like to contact me, you would make my day...... There are people here who WANT to help. Love, Kurt

[jacksgirl87]

Thanks for the advice and support. I really appreciate it. It feels like it gets harder every day.