Just lost my husband

[Annie_]

I just lost my husband unexpectedly last week. I don't know what happened and all the paramedics and medical examiner can tell me so far is that its was sudden, there was nothing I could have done differently to save him, and there was no sign that he struggled or was in distress. This is only small comfort because they said they can't tell me what caused this until other test results come back and that won't be for another couple of weeks.

Sometimes I can go hours at a time without crying--just going through the motions of taking care of our animals. Then I see something or think of something and it all just hits me again that he isn't here and I can't stop crying.

He is my best friend and I can't believe he is gone. I just want my husband back and to have his arms around me again.

[HeyJude]

I know what your going thru Annie. I lost my husband just about a year ago. Right now you are still in shock. You are going to be feeling a lot of different feelings for a long while. I don't mean to frighten you but this isn't something you get over very quickly. I will tell you that you picked the right place to come for fellowship, a shoulder to cry on and to talk to people who really do know what you are feeling and going through. I am so sorry for your loss Annie. I'll be praying for you.

[backyarder1]

Oh Annie. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband two months ago. It was very sudden, too. They say that it was a massive heart attack but it really doesn't do much good to know what it was. The grieving process is very hard and very different for everyone but this website is a great place for support. I can go whole days without crying and then I have days like today....where the tears just won't stop. I hated it when people told me to brace myself, and that things would probably get worse......but they do. I will say this, though. There are times when you think you absolutely can't stand it any longer....and then you do. You make it through another night. You still cry and you still grieve but the pain isn't quite as severe. Just keep holding on and come back here when you need someone to talk to.

[Annie_]

Thank you both. I have friends and neighbors who have all offered to help me, but none of them have ever lost a spouse. They say if I ever need anything to just call, but I don't even know what I need. Many people have also been saying to take it a day at a time. Probably good advice, but it doesn't make the pain any less.

The first week I just had so much I HAD to do--decisions to make, family/friends/co-workers to notify. My husband didn't want a funeral--he always said that when his time came he just wanted all his friends to get together, have a party, and tell stories about him. Now that the "party" is done, I keep thinking of all the other things he would want me to do but I don't have any energy and I'm just so overwhelmed. I didn't get anything done yesterday and only a little bit today. I feel obsessed that I have to do everything that he would have done and exactly the way he would have done it.

[backyarder1]

I felt that way at first too, Annie. Like I had to do everything Tom's way. But as much as you may hate to accept it, you don't have to do things his way anymore. If you can find a grief counselor or a grief support group, they will help you. Because you really do need to talk to someone else who has gone through it. If you can't find anyone who lives nearby, let us (the people on this website) know. Sometimes its good to talk to each other.

[Kurtybearhugs]

My Dear Annie, I am so sorry that you have lost your beloved husband. I remember well those days of emotional pain so bad that I thought I might actually die from it, and what a terrible burden it was to simply feeding the cats, and give them all the attention they were used to, and now there was only one of us to do it, and need I say that I didn't feel like doing anything? We all go through that time where we just don't have the energy or the will to do the simplest things. For a long time, I did only what I had to do, and nothing more. Guilt be damned, I had to take care of me for a while. I know too, that friends and family get very concerned about that, but as you said, they don't understand, having never lost a spouse. There is no wrong way to grieve, as long as we are not being overly self - destructive. You will find your own way, and eventually, you will begin to notice that you are having moments when you feel ok . Then one day some of those moments will band together and make a good hour. Eventually you will have your first day without crying, and without crushing grief. It is a long process, (they don't teach this stuff in school) but the peace on the other side of the process will come. I promise you that you will not feel like this forever, and your life will be worth living again. Anytime you feel like chatting, just jump on in here!! We Love You!! Big Bear Hugs !!!! Kurt