Getting close to the end

[bmowry]

Almost a month ago, I got a call from my dad that he had found my mom unconscious the night before, and that she had been admitted to the hospital. At that time, all he knew was that she had a bladder infection. Throughout the week, they determined that she had sepsis from a severe staph infection. They also thought she had meningitis (had the symptoms, but didn't actually have it). My folks live in a small town almost 6 hours from me and my brothers. My mom was transferred to a larger city about an hour and a half away because she wasn't gaining consciousness and needed to be closer to her neurologist. In the larger town (Madison, WI) we were told that she had suffered a series of small strokes, but that we wouldn't know how the had affected her until she woke up.

The next week they did open heart surgery, determining that an infection on her heart was causing the staph infection. Since the surgery, the day before Thanksgiving, she has never really woken up. Communication from the hospital was sporadic and disjointed. My father is elderly and doesn't hear well, and my brothers and I worry about what he may not be hearing or understanding.

This week, they transferred her to a smaller long term care hospital because she has a trachea for breathing. We've been told that her physical health is very slowly improving. However, she seems to just be in a deep sleep; never waking or becoming cognizant. A nurse told us to "be prepared for the fact that she may not get better", he said that the doctors tended to be optimistic. I appreciated his candor - seemingly a first amongst the many doctors and nurses we had communicated with.

Now, our worry is about my dad driving back and forth each day and the tole it's taking on him physically, mentally and emtionally. We've been going down almost weekly, and have managed to be there as much as possible. Tonight my younger brother got there and said that she's not looking good and he's concerned about dad.

I contacted their church to see if there is any support they can offer him.

For a month, I've just been exhausted, absentminded and extremely sad. It's just so difficult. Nothing can prepare you for the loss of parent, I've come to realize, and am also coming to realize that family life as I knew it will never be the same. All the traditions we had were lead by mom. I wasn't super close to her, like some people I've read about on here, we were very different, and my mom was a difficult person to be around. But, she was my mom and the thought of her being gone is extremely difficult and painful. It feels like it's a just a waiting game, a really, really hard one.

[ModKonnie]

Bmowry, The waiting game when my father died was awful. Everything seemed to move in slow motion and time was surreal. I can remember my mind just refusing to accept what was happening, yet in some weird way, I was almost thankful because my dad was suffering so much. I wish you and your family the best. We will be thinking of you--ModKonnie

[bmowry]

Thank you, it's helpful to hear from others who know the experience. I've found that people who haven't been through this yet, don't quite get the magnitude of the experience. It's also helpful to write about it.

My mom passed away early yesterday morning with all of us around her. It was an emotional and haunting experience that I will never forget. Now, there is so much to think about and do in helping my dad prepare for the wake and funeral - I can't imagine him doing it alone. He can't talk about her without crying, and this is a guy who has a robust professional life and is very active in his community. I knew he shouldn't spend his first night at home with my mom gone alone; how lonely to come home to the home she made - her influence is everywhere here.

With the funeral and wake, there are so many choices to make, I've spent another couple days here just to walk him through the process (we live about 6 hours from each other). They would have celebrated their 48 wedding anniversary on December 30th.

Yesterday I picked out her outfit for the funeral; washed and ironed it. I wrote her obituary. I went through her purse to find her favorite lipstick and it almost killed me. That feeling of a life interupted - appointment cards for January, cash in her wallet, coupons, etc.

People say this gets easier over time - but I imagine it'll be a good year to get through each holiday and celebration, before I can feel a bit better.

The good thing is that right now my dad is wrapping his Christmas gifts for his grandchildren. I think that makes him happy.