Missing my Mom and Dad; both died near the holidays

[BevStar831]

My mother and father both died around the holidays. Mom died January 18, 2009 and Dad died December 27, 2010. My mother was never sick but she went to the hospital in January around the 10th 2009 for what we thought was the flu. The docs could not find anything but a slight fever. They kept her three days and wanted to discharge her, but agreed to keep her on for a lung scan one more day. The next morning they could not perform the lung scan because her heart rate had soared to an extreme rate and she was uncooperative and agitated. I gave permission but they called me to come in because they were putting her in the ICU. When I got there she was in restraints because she was on oxygen and was out of control. I have an older sister and brother but my sister lives out of state and my brother is … well never mind. My father was blind from Macular Degeneration and could not make decisions; Mom had put me on her living will and I was aware of this. They did a spinal tap but still no conclusion why she was so sick. That night the hospital called asking me for permission to put her on a ventilator. I explained that her living will said she never wanted to be on a "respirator," but the hospital said it would enable her to breathe without struggling while they administered antibiotics to save her life. They thought she might have pneumonia. She lived for eight days on the ventilator but never regained consciousness and just became septic. It was horrible; a holy hell to observe. They continuously had to suction the fluid out of her lungs, etc. They did the lung scan and found she had very bad lung cancer, which nobody, including her, even knew. As a family we made the decision to turn off the ventilator and let her die. It was mainly my decision though since she put me as the person on her living will to make these choices for her if she could not do so. I know it's what she would have wanted -- but -- I miss her TERRIBLY to this day. I talked to her every night the last few years of her life. She was taking care of Dad as he went blind which was so hard, and I wanted to help and did as much as I could. Dad failed terribly after her death. He was devastated by her loss and was half a person; he missed her so much; he kept saying he was older and should have gone first. I told him we don't make the "plans," God does. Dad died on December 27, 2010, less than two years after she passed, and I took care of him until he did die, while dealing with my older brother who made things as difficult as he possibly could (long story). This time of year is so painful for me. I miss them both.

I would give anything to be able to talk to them another time; especially my mother. But they both were always there for me and now I feel that nobody has my back like they did. I could cry all day every day even though I know I need to get a grip and get through the holidays again. They were both so brave; I just feel like I can't cope without them sometimes (even though I know I can and will). Why did they choose ME, their youngest of three children, to be the strongest? The other two don't even seem to miss them at all whenever I talk to them, which is not as often as I would like, but they are both so self-absorbed; I can see why they are no help. Just a few prayers to help me get through the holidays would be appreciated.

[ModKonnie]

BevStar, I am very sorry about the loss of your parents. Perhaps they knew you were the strongest because you are just like them? People grieve in different ways. Perhaps your siblings are trying to cope by keeping things stuffed inside. While that is not the most healthy way to heal, it's a popular one. Talking about how you feel will help you cope. You can come here to talk if you have no one else. Do you have any support at home? We will be thinking of you, and you are not alone. --ModKonnie

[Blackrock]

Am so sorry for your loss. Be strong and think of happy memories will get u through. I recently lost my dad and it's so unreal. I missed him a lot too. Take care

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[Blackrock]

Am so sorry for your loss. Be strong and think of happy memories will get u through. I recently lost my dad and it's so unreal. I missed him a lot too. Take care

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[Tom]

I am so sorry . I know exactly how you feel for your loss, as do so many others who loved their parents .

It is a difficult time , but be strong and remember the good times.

[Johnny Cake]

I lost my folks due a medical error.

Watching a loved on die is hell. You have heard the usual advice so I will tell you something different. Life sucks for a lot of people and as a person who hates God with a passion I try to do nice things for nice people just to piss off God. I was in Subway yesterday and I saw and old woman fumbling for change to by a 2 dollar 6" sub. I paid for he sub unbeknown to her. It may have put a smile on her face to know that someone cared is such a small way about another human being.

My Pa spent his retirement doing volunteer work. A lot of it was to get away from my psycho mother but also he had a big heart. Next year I am going to tell my family to kiss my ass so that I can avoid the vulgar display of too many gift and do something for the homeless.