Members backyarder1 Posted December 1, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2013 I just lost my husband 4 weeks ago. He was the love of my life. Every time I ever wished upon a star, I wished that we would be happy and healthy together forever. And now I know that I have to learn to go on without him and some of those thoughts make me feel guilty. I don't ever want to think of being anything but his wife. And yet, I don't want to just dwell in sadness forever. So I know I must go on. But I feel like I am being unfaithful to him to even think thoughts like that.I even feel guilty for getting our finances in order. For taking his name off of the titles of things. I haven't TOUCHED any of his things yet but I imagine I will feel guilty when I start to do that, too.How do you move forward with your life and still be "true" to your departed spouse? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Caremal Posted December 1, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2013 been over a year and a half now April will be 2 years. I had a auction and sold his stuff I no longer felt the need to keep. I still feel guilty about doing so, yet what would I have done with it all. I have had so much guilt regarding missing him and moving on. I did 2 things he told me to do - have an auction and find someone and be happy again. I did just that had an auction and found someone. Not that either were easy to walk threw - yet I did. Someday you will get to the point were you will pick up things and say I no longer need this and you will pass it on. It will be difficult to do so and you may feel like you should not do so. It is ok if you do and ok if you do not. My wish for you is that you take time for yourself now and know that what ever you do is your business - not family members or friends. When someone says can help accept it if your ready. Know when people do not come around it is nothing you did people just do that. Reading the forum and going back to old ones is a good read for us in this new life we did not want to be part of. I also joined a grief support group for a while that helped when I needed it. I send you a hug knowing you will want one that is unconditional and from someone who cares. Carmemal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members needy Posted December 1, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2013 Backyard1 so sorry for your loss. Caremal gave you great advise. It is important to get out and be social but also very important to just take time to get to know yourself again. For me getting to know myself or also know as the "new you" took time and I am still learning. Feeling guilty is completely normal feeling. I had guilty and huge amount of anger. It was a journey I wish I never had to do but I had to face. Best wishes to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2013 Thanks to both of you. I am definitely creating the new me. And working on my new life. One of the worst things to me is just the silence. Yes, I can turn on the radio or the TV, but that just isn't the same. The house seems so dead without him. I know that is a poor choice of words, but that is how I feel. I'm thinking of getting a cat or two to add a little life but I really just wish I had people to call and talk to or to invite over for cards or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Karen.Lyn Posted December 1, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2013 I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to cancer just over 4 months ago.Try to remember "his things" are just things. I know it's easier said than done because I couldn't even put away my husband's hat and coat for the first couple months after he passed.It's been just over 4 months and my stepdaughter has helped me get rid of most of his old clothes. I'm only holding on to the things that had meaning to both of us. I'll wait for a while yet, but I think I will probably sell the house. It's just too empty without him.If you really need someone to call and talk to, send me a private message and I'll give you my number. Take care,Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2013 Hi Karen. Thanks for the warm message. I haven't quite gotten to the point of thinking of Tom's things as "just things". I was even upset that the medical examiner threw away the slippers that he had on when he passed away. I have absolutely no use for them but I want them, just like I still want all of the rest of his stuff right now. I feel like piling it all on the bed and just crawling in there with it and trying to get a whiff of his smell. I used to love smelling him. I know that is so silly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnwulf0513 Posted December 2, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 2, 2013 Hi backyarder. I am so sorry for your loss. In some ways I envy you because you have the "things" our home was destroyed by fire about 2 weeks before Shari passed. Virtually everything was destroyed. I only have 10 or 12 pictures to remind me of 13 years of marriage. A couple of her teddy bears and a little of her clothing. However, I had a safe in the living room (which was in a very hot part of the fire) and some of the contents survived. Fires are strange animals...our wedding certificate, car title, both birth certificates and some things that she had saved survived in the safe. To answer your original question,, yes .. in fact I have not turned off her phone yet, nor removed her name from the title of the car. The loneliness is my biggest problem as well but it is getting a little better. I know it will take time.. may you find peace and welcome.. these forums and the chat have helped quite a bit over the last 3 months Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissingDaniel Posted December 3, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Backyarder, I am so sorry for your loss. It has been over 7 months for me, and I know in some sense I am doing better, but I haven't really made much progress in other ways. All of his clothes are still hanging in my closet, his drawers are still his, and his hat is still hanging where he used to hang it every night. I have removed some of the clutter around the house that was his, but I haven't found the need to get to the clothes. And I won't do it until I feel ready to. So that would be my advice to you. Do it when it feels right to you. It will never be easy, and it will probably never feel okay, but one day you may be ready. I haven't been on here in weeks because I've been in such a funk over the holidays. I just want to crawl in a hole and come out after the new year. Anyway, I'm sorry you've had to join our little group, but I hope you can find some solace here. Sending you hugs and wishes for comfort in this very difficult time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted December 3, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Hi MissingDaniel. Thanks for your reply. I don't have a strong need to remove any of Tom's things. His sneakers and his flip flops are right where he left them. They don't really upset me so I will just keep them there. I haven't even washed the sheets since he passed away but I guess its about time I do. Or, I might just take those off and put on some clean ones and leave those alone for awhile. We all have to do what we have to do to get through this. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members boop21 Posted December 5, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 I don't know what to do with my fiance's things yet. I don't even know where I want to live. We were in the process of buying a house but that was supposed to be OUR house, you know? But would he still want me to be there? I don't know. I also feel guilty about some of my thoughts. I feel like I was selfish about some things. But he probably was too. Nobody's perfect. He just had the greatest heart ever. Thank you for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted December 5, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 Boop21, I think that the main lesson I have learned in all of this is, that we need to try to control our own thoughts. I know its hard. But it doesn't help anyone to wonder "why" or "what if" or to feel guilty or sad. Most of the time, I can control my thoughts now. I still get sad when I think about things like Christmas. But most of the time, I try to remember the good things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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