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How do I do this ? Mom is gone now what ?....

Kiki's mom

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This year has been one of the horrible years in my life in fact I can't remember a worse one , 2013 started off with a 20 year marriage separation and then things started to go down hill from there , Just trying to live life when all of a sudden my sweet kitty of 13 years ,who was my rock whenever I was depressed had started to get sick... I took her to the vet , did everything I could for her only to have her die in my arms , I was devastated ... her death hit me hard . ( I wrote her story in another post ) Then everything started to hit me and I ended up having so much anxiety and stress about life and my current situation I wound up in the emergency room with a nervous breakdown.... I was emotionally and physically exhausted to say the very least , My doctor thought it might be a good idea to jack up my existing prescription 3 times the amount I was previously taking and that caused me to have a severe reaction , I became very ill with something that could have taken my life , they ended up taking me completely off that drug so I wouldn't die... OK talk about anxiety! I thought they were suppose to help my stress not induce more... uhhhggg ... So anyways then I had to go through withdrawals... nice right...

FAST FORWARD 2 months later , After a lot of recovery I am starting to get my physical body back... I had lost a lot of weight in muscle while ill.. so I had started to regain strength back slowly ... I started to eat again... I started to feel more emotionally stable... I still felt anxiety and depression but more controlled now ... life started to show light again...

Then one day I received notice that mom was in the hospital...I called the hospital and before telling me any information they handed the phone to my mom which I thought was weird but now in hindsight i am so grateful they did ....When my mom picked up the phone I said mom ...she replied "what? I said whats wrong? she said aneurysms and stroke... I kinda didn't know if this was true because mom had a history of dementia...OK so Then I just comforted her a bit and said mom I love You and She replied I love you too... she then put the phone down. Still not knowing the severity of her condition I was trying to find out what was going on ...they told me the doctors were going to do some test in the morning and they would let me know everything. So now the anxious waiting begins ... I didn't sleep very well that night and woke up the next morning to speak with the doctor whom informed me of Moms several severe conditions...She had previously had her colon out a month prior due to internal bleeding , she had massive internal bleeding again and would eventually bleed again even if they were to stop it, she also had aneurysms one of which was 7 cm on her lower aorta . also bleeding from the esophagus and had a mild heart attack. I think i may still have been in denial but it did't hit me what he was really trying to say .

We had set up a family conference for the following day , The next day came along and with my sister and her daughter being physically present at the hospital then my Aunt and I on the phones the doctors proceeded to tell us there was nothing more they could do for my her , she was not a candidate for surgery and offered the hospice comfort care ... thats when it hit me .. I was losing my mom, They said if after we took her off the life supports she made it through the next couple days at hospital they would send her back home to the nursing home she had lived in previously.

My mom was a fighter as she had been her whole life and she hung on long enough to make it back home, She had been in assisted living and nursing home for many years prior and she has had several visits to hospitals with some being very serious , in and out , surgeries , falls , this and that done and some how always made it through , but this time was different she wasn't gonna be able to beat her disease and when I heard this news i was crushed ... cried like I was a little girl... The hardest part was she lived in a facility that was so far away from me and with my anxiety disorder it made prior visits very hard and few . I felt so sad she was so far.

I was however extremely grateful that my sister and niece whom she loved very much were close by and holding vigil by her side . I know my sister was in a lot of emotional pain but she was holding it together for the sake of everybody involved and I am so thankful for that. With mom being on her end of life care it was eating me up that I was so far away , the anxiety and depression was overwhelming and I just couldn't take it anymore so I decided to react , I went gassed up and just started driving not knowing if my car would make it ... I just needed to say I love you in person.. or at least I had to try ...

It took hours to get there and I felt like I was driving in a mental fog but /i made it safely . I was then and will be forever grateful I made that choice , I arrived and My mom was so frail it was hard to see her like that but it didn't matter because shes mom, I held her hand and we all prayed for her... she then opened her eyes and stared at me ... I gave her so much love n affection and even though she could no longer speak verbally I could tell in her eyes she knew I was there and was saying it back , I sung to her a little and when it was time to go I told her i would see her soon. She looked peaceful when I left but it was so hard to go knowing I would never get to see her in this lifetime again.

So a day and a half went by with mom basically no change ...Last night I just had a feeling , I cant describe it but I just knew it was going to happen... I went to bed at around 1:00 am and put the phone on the pillow next to me ,.. at 1:30 am my sister called to tell me MOM is in heaven now... there was immense sadness but also a kind of peace that washed over me... My sister proceeded to tell me the details ... she went smooth and peaceful ... she was calm... ect.

It has been a tough year for me , but one blessing from this is I am forever grateful that she took her last journey comfortably and in peace wrapped in Gods loving arms with love surrounding her from all sides.

Thanks for giving me the space to air my thoughts and for taking time to read them ... <3 KiKi's mom and Sandra's daughter


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Kiki's mom, I am so very sorry for your loss of your mom. Your year sounds awful, but you made it through, and it sounds as though you are appropriately dealing with all the pain and anguish you have endured. I had a similar year about four years ago. My father died, my marriage of 21 years collapsed, our business collapsed, my daughter ran off and became addicted to pain meds, my son got in trouble, I had four kids to support and no job, and I almost lost my home. However, I didn't! I started over, I went back to school, I regrouped, got my daughter help, started at the bottom of a yucky job and pulled my family back together. It was AWFUL. I can honestly say, those hard experiences left me thankful and grateful for what I have and where I am. I miss my father very much, and this time of year is particularly bad because my brother died in a car wreck two days before Christmas years ago, and my father went a little crazy this time each year. It was tough on us all. Thankfully, you have a good sister. I hope you are both supporting each other. We will be here for you, too. --ModKonnie

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Thank you for your kind words Mod Konnie , I am very sorry for your losses as well

Your story is inspiring to me ,

I have been trying to keep it together and hold the light but it can be so hard sometimes as you already know. The depression , anxiety , hopelessness and fear can be so debilitating . I feel myself heading towards that darkness often and each time it seems harder to pull out of. I too have lost many family members , friends , pets, my marriage, and had several health scares . I do not have much of an outside a support team so I am glad I found this site and people like yourself who have been through and come out the other side.

xoxo KiKi's mom , Sandra's daughter

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