New to Forum, Struggling to Cope with Father's Death

[MalibuRenee]

My father passed away over 12 years ago. During that time I have been just trying to deal with the day to day. Emotionally I haven't been able to deal with losing him. I am an only child so it's safe to say that I had a super close relationship with my parents and when my father died, it hurt so much it just felt like I had lost part of me. I've spent so much time dealing with everyone else's grief I haven't had been able to deal with mine. I find that no matter how much I try to keep it down the grief and anger keep bubbling up. I spend most of my time angry at the world or so depressed that I don't want to get out of bed.

No matter who I have around me, I feel alone. I just don't know why I wasn't enough to keep my father here. I haven't been able to let go and start to move on. All these feelings are making it hard for me to get close to people, even people I've known my whole life. I just keep pushing everyone away. I feel lost and don't know what to do.

[ForeverRemembered]

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost my mom on September 11, 2012. I know the holidays are so hard...no matter if it is 12 years ago or 1 year ago. I just had a little break down today listening to Christmas music. It is normal, when the holidays are upon us we think of family. You will see your dad again one day and I am sure he would be so sad to know that you are sad and not enjoying your life. You know that he would want you to be happy and to be around friends. I do not admit this in all my post, but the month before the year mark of my mom's death, my doctor told me to consider medication to help me. I wasn't happy. My kids missed the mom that they use to have. I realized that I not only lost my mom...but my kids lost their mom because I was no longer the mom that I had been. I lost my mom and a few months later...I lost my job. Things just got so bad and no matter how hard I tried to snap out of it....I couldn't. I finally gave in to a very low dose of Paxil. My only regret is that I didn't start it 10 years ago! LOL! Within the first week that I started it, I caught myself laughing outloud with my kids. It felt so odd because I had not had a real belly laugh like that in a long long time. It felt good. I hated hated hated the thought of going on a depression medication because it made me look weak and I am not a weak person. Unfortuately, I found out that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I was very emotionally drained. But now... I would rather shout to the world that I am weak and that I am taking Paxil then to continue one more day feeling like I was.

I just thought I would share that with you. Hugs to you.