Members muffins Posted November 21, 2013 Members Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 My husband and I have tried to start a family for four years. I had a miscarriage January, 2010 at 8-10 weeks. I lost another one this past January, 2013. We waited a few months and tried again, using fertility treatments. I got pregnant with twins - a boy and a girl. The first trimester there were no issues - no morning sickness, no smell or food aversions, and the babies were growing well. At 16 weeks I started getting sick.I got vertigo and nausia and vomiting. My husband took me to the hospital - they hydrated me and released me a few hours later. The next morning my heart rate felt wrong so my mom picked me up and took me to a larger hospital. I had elevated liver enzymes and high blood pressure. They held me for several days, trying one medication after another and releasing me on a bp medication that I had never been on before. On this medication, my resting heart rate was around 140 bpm. I ended up in yet another hospital 3 days later with severe tachycardia (rapid heart rate), extremely high bp and elevated liver enzymes. After another multi-day hospitalization, I was released.At 20 weeks they told me the babies were 2 weeks behind in growth and that the blood flow in the placentas didn't look good. They told me there wasn't anything I could do to fix it, but I did breathing excersizes to try to get more oxygen to the babies, I tried to increase my protein intake and calories, hoping that somehow they would be helped. At 21 weeks I started getting a severe pain in my liver. My husband took me to the closest hospital - they again hydrated me and released me. A few hours later the pain returned and was worse. He drove me to the hospital that my ob is affiliated with and I was admitted immediately. I was told my babies had absent diastolic flow and that they probably wouldn't survive. As the days went by my condition worsened - my liver was shutting down. My platelets were dropping rapidly. My red blood cells were breaking down. I was diagnosed with HELLP syndrome. The doctors came to me one after another and said I would die if I didn't induce labor. I was 22 weeks pregnant, so the babies wouldn't survive.Two weeks were all I needed to give them a 50% chance of survival. I refused to induce labor. I told them to keep me alive on machines if they needed to - I struggled too hard and too long to have these babies, and I could feel them kicking and moving in my belly. I had heard their perfectly healthy heart beats an hour before. The doctors kept coming in, one after another, insisting that if I didn't induce labor I would either die or have permanent damage to my liver. I said to wait a few days and watch the lab work to see if there was any improvement. My perinatologist said I didn't have weeks or days, I had hours before my platelets dropped so low that I would start to hemhorrage and that I would bleed out. I told him to give me a blood transfusion if that happened, he insisted that they wouldn't be able to transfuse it fast enough once I started to bleed out. My husband was crying and begging me to induce - I told him he was asking me to kill our children to save myself. I told him it was like leaving our kids in a burning building so I could save myself. They brought in a chaplain to try to convince me. In the end I gave in. I was in so much pain, and people had been hounding me all day, including my husband. Even though I wasn't convinced that death was hours away - I felt sick but not deathly ill - I gave in and let them induce me. I made a terrible decision.My babies were born 8 hours later - Benjamin Adam and Charlotte Eve. Both struggled silently to breath, trying desperately to gasp for air, unsuccessfully because their little lungs were too immature. Both died in my arms and there was nothing I could do to save them. I couldn't even ease the pain of their suffocating to death. I watched them stop breathing, their hearts stopped beating. They got cold in my arms. Two very small, but perfect little babies. Ten little fingers and ten little toes.My poor babies - I let the men in white coats kill them. I agreed to it. I let them do it. In the end, it was my decision that killed them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.