Lost twin babies

[muffins]

My husband and I have tried to start a family for four years. I had a miscarriage January, 2010 at 8-10 weeks. I lost another one this past January, 2013. We waited a few months and tried again, using fertility treatments. I got pregnant with twins - a boy and a girl. The first trimester there were no issues - no morning sickness, no smell or food aversions, and the babies were growing well. At 16 weeks I started getting sick.

I got vertigo and nausia and vomiting. My husband took me to the hospital - they hydrated me and released me a few hours later. The next morning my heart rate felt wrong so my mom picked me up and took me to a larger hospital. I had elevated liver enzymes and high blood pressure. They held me for several days, trying one medication after another and releasing me on a bp medication that I had never been on before. On this medication, my resting heart rate was around 140 bpm. I ended up in yet another hospital 3 days later with severe tachycardia (rapid heart rate), extremely high bp and elevated liver enzymes. After another multi-day hospitalization, I was released.

At 20 weeks they told me the babies were 2 weeks behind in growth and that the blood flow in the placentas didn't look good. They told me there wasn't anything I could do to fix it, but I did breathing excersizes to try to get more oxygen to the babies, I tried to increase my protein intake and calories, hoping that somehow they would be helped. At 21 weeks I started getting a severe pain in my liver. My husband took me to the closest hospital - they again hydrated me and released me. A few hours later the pain returned and was worse. He drove me to the hospital that my ob is affiliated with and I was admitted immediately. I was told my babies had absent diastolic flow and that they probably wouldn't survive. As the days went by my condition worsened - my liver was shutting down. My platelets were dropping rapidly. My red blood cells were breaking down. I was diagnosed with HELLP syndrome. The doctors came to me one after another and said I would die if I didn't induce labor. I was 22 weeks pregnant, so the babies wouldn't survive.

Two weeks were all I needed to give them a 50% chance of survival. I refused to induce labor. I told them to keep me alive on machines if they needed to - I struggled too hard and too long to have these babies, and I could feel them kicking and moving in my belly. I had heard their perfectly healthy heart beats an hour before. The doctors kept coming in, one after another, insisting that if I didn't induce labor I would either die or have permanent damage to my liver. I said to wait a few days and watch the lab work to see if there was any improvement. My perinatologist said I didn't have weeks or days, I had hours before my platelets dropped so low that I would start to hemhorrage and that I would bleed out. I told him to give me a blood transfusion if that happened, he insisted that they wouldn't be able to transfuse it fast enough once I started to bleed out. My husband was crying and begging me to induce - I told him he was asking me to kill our children to save myself. I told him it was like leaving our kids in a burning building so I could save myself. They brought in a chaplain to try to convince me.

In the end I gave in. I was in so much pain, and people had been hounding me all day, including my husband. Even though I wasn't convinced that death was hours away - I felt sick but not deathly ill - I gave in and let them induce me. I made a terrible decision.

My babies were born 8 hours later - Benjamin Adam and Charlotte Eve. Both struggled silently to breath, trying desperately to gasp for air, unsuccessfully because their little lungs were too immature. Both died in my arms and there was nothing I could do to save them. I couldn't even ease the pain of their suffocating to death. I watched them stop breathing, their hearts stopped beating. They got cold in my arms. Two very small, but perfect little babies. Ten little fingers and ten little toes.

My poor babies - I let the men in white coats kill them. I agreed to it. I let them do it. In the end, it was my decision that killed them.

[Mermaid Tears]

First I will say how sorry I am to hear of your loss....but I want you to think about this....you were in such extreme circumstances....and if you passed....the children would, too....

the men in the white coats did not do your babies harm....and neither did you.....

I come from a place of some experience....my daughter had 6 miscarriages...

she did get pregnant with her first....and all went well.....

but ever since she was in high school...she had kidney problems.....they found a tumor in one of her kidneys when she was in college....this is a long story but I will make it short....after years of treatment...all was better.....

she had her first son....then 3 miscarriages.....then fertility treatments...then she had twins...a boy and a girl.....but it was very scarey...very....then she had 3 more miscarriages....then pregnant again....fertility again....and had a daughter....but the last pregnancy was beyond fright...

...enough the Dr. said....

I want you to know that there is simply things beyond what the medical field can do....somethings are beyond reach...but they try. And you tried. You gave it your all for those babies....and they have a way of knowing how much they were loved and wanted. Each of you gave it all to the very end.

This is not the end....even though you think so....even though your arms are empty....I do believe there will be a child for you.

I remember my cousins had tried to have a child for many years....they asked me what I thought about adoption....I told them I believed there was this 'maternal balance' in the world....there would be women who could not carry a child to full term.....there would be women who could not raise the child in the manner they wished they could....

a woman who 'gives' her child to someone who can give that child a good environment and love....well...I think is the bravest woman ever.....

and the woman that takes that child....has a sacred place.....

both love that child...

If someone puts a child on my doorstep...and I feed that child, bath it...get up in the night with it...etc.....yes....that child becomes mine....

but it is a maternal sacred pact between the two....

Sometimes....our bodies just can't take the rigors of pregnancy....it is not your fault or anyone's...

you are in mourning...so please be very gentle and kind to yourself...take care of yourself...and don't blame others for wanting to keep you safe...and don't blame yourself that your little body could not perform...I hope you can get counseling for this loss....it is heartbreaking to have to deal with the grief. I know the Dr. did all he could do. I wish you peace and healing.

[517958]

Oh I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I have never lost a baby but I lost my 5 year old daughter, Charlotte Kay, 2.5 years ago. She drowned in a swimming pool while I was at work one day. I fight feeling guilty about sending her to a pool that day when I wasn't going to be there to watch. I thought that 3 adults watching a total of 4 kids in the pool was going to be enough that day but it just wasn't. Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control. Please don't blame yourself for being forced to let them go. You faught harder than some others probably would. If you would have died too, it would have been an additional tragedy for your husband and your family. I'm assuming your mom and/or dad may still be alive and they would be as devestated as you and me right now at your loss if you had chosen to die with your babies. I know it's not much consolation right now but please know that you are not alone. It has helped me a lot to talk to other parents who have lost children. Have you searched in your area for support groups? In our area (Minneapolis, MN) there are groups for parents who lost babies. There is also a place in Western Wisconsin called Faith's Lodge. If you can get there, it's a great place to stay and heal your broken heart just a little bit. They will put you with other people who have had late pregnancy losses like you. Compassionate Friends is also a great resource. For this site, the "Loss of an Adult Child" thread will welcome you. Don't let the name scare you from posting. You will be accepted there.

http://www.firstcandle.org/grieving-families/grief-resources/local-support/ - List of resources by state

faithslodge.org

compassionatefriends.org

[shorty16]

Muffin's Mom

You did not kill your children any more than I killed my 16 year old son, Brian.

Guilt is a normal part of the grieving process. I was the queen of quilt for over 2 years. Until I analyzed and over analyzed the situation to where I just could not analyze anymore. That time frame is individual to each one of us.

Please be kind to yourself. Your body and mind are going through tremedous trama. Most of us post on Loss of an Adult Child. My child was not an adult, and I am accepted without question and you will too.

Please join us and you will find that what you are experiencing is not unusual. It is part of the grieivng process.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Mommysangelisabella]

Benjamin adam and charlotte eves mom,

Let me first start by saying how very sorry i am for your loss.i want to answer a question alot of moms ask in this situation even if never voiced. YES you are a mommy. My situation is similar in one way . I lost my daughter isabella faith at 25 weeks. My heart knows the pain of loosing a baby but not of loosing two. I cnt imagine loosing two. my daughter went to heaven on sept.24,2013. I never knew . She died insided of me. Ive spent countless hours trying to figure out why my body did this. Why her. The only answer ive come up with is god needed her. I belive our babies were sent here for a reason . God blessed us with them. We were ment to be there mommies. You DID NOT KILL BEJAMIN and CHARLOTTE. Im sure you were loke me had the rooms almost completed , baby shower on the way. Dreaming of being a new mommy holding those sweet angels, but scared to death for them to be here. I keep thinking back to before my mom bought me a shirt it had feet prints on the tummy and it says mommys little angel. How true it was before i even knew. I dont know why god needed them so soon it hurts so much and seems so crule. That he gave us them for such a short time. You were and are a GOOD MOMMY you did every thing in your power for those sweet sweet babies. Even though it dosent feel like it you did. I know what its like to leave the hosptail with a box full of things your babie wore as your being wheeled out of the hosptail instead of holding your babies. Some days you just cant breath. You dont want to breath. I walk past her room , see her bouncer and i cant move. For me even now my life is her but others around me including my mom and already moved on. I dont think they understand that even though we never changed a diaper heard a cry or seen their first walk they did and do exist . They are our babies nomatter how long we had them they are ours. We held them inside of us we felt their first kicks . We dreamed of their lifes . We fought YOU fought as long and as hard as you could for them. I also held my isabella felt that cold in a baby no mother wishes to ever feel. Its a feeling in my hands i will never ever forget. For me i blocked out alot at the time untill it came time to push her out then i broke i refused to . I knew what that ment and i didnt want to live in this reality that i am now faced with. People will say things even now . I heard it the day after she was born . Things like oh you can try agen your so young , you can adopt. As you smile and walk away screaming inside bad words thinking my child is dead i cant just try agen and it makes it all better. They mean well , they just dont know what to say. They are not us and i am not you. You and i will grieve in our own way and our own time. Some days will be easier to breath than others. My angel was supose to be born on jan. 2,2014 that date scares me now but its fast aproching. I am here . I understand as much as i can. So far on these sites i think im the closet one but everyone on here understands the loss of a child or some lost children like you. Most people including me post under loss of adult child . I guess its easier . You cab reach me here or their or i can give you my email and phone number. Ive never given my phone number before but i know what its like to just want to talk. To talk about your angels about whats happend about how your feeling. Because not only did we loose our babies but we still have to physically recover from giving birth to them as well. Its not easy and for me once i left the hosptail i was left alone even though i hv family in town. Anyways this is forever long and i can keep going for days and i dont want to overwhelm you wich im sure you are by now. I can say i belive my isabella is up there right now with benjamin and chorlotte looking down over a cloud smiling at us . I know the thought you might be thinking ive thought well i knows shes happy now smiling down on me but i dnt care i want her here smiling up at me in my arms. ...... Just breath one breath at a time just breath..... My name is wendy. Id love to hear from you learn all there is and you want to share about you your husband and your angels. From the day you found out they were on their way untill now. Im here and i understand. Im praying for you . Ill look for you here or there. In your time post when you can

[Mommysangelisabella]

I want to add one more thing there will lots of feelings and lots of things that trigger those feelings. One day one thing wont bother you the next day the same thing will. Its normal. One big unexpected trigger for me was my first period. I kept thinking the first few days this isnt right i shouldnt be doing this or if im supose to it should be worth it im supose to be holding my isabella. Also tou may get the urge to just get rid of everything . I did i got most of her stuff threw out the house put it into piles saying ok its got to go.. Im gonba take it tomarrow. The next day went on.... Every thing is still on her walls and in her crib. So if you hv the erge to purge because you cant breath you cant walk you cany look at it. Put it in storge close their bedroom doors take it to a family members house for safe keeping. Then as i think im doing now latter after this settles some ill find a mom who is in great need and give it all to her or maybe i wont. Time will tell. these are just my thoughts as a nom whos been going threw this only a short time before you. Our greif is a journey unto itself lossing our babies we will never get over wr will never be our old selfs we will just learn to live in our new reality........

[Mommysangelisabella]

I just wanted to let you know im thinking about you and your angels. Huggs today, wendy