Lost my dad

[Taurus07]

So if today was last year My dad would die in 7 days. He died 358 days ago. I told myself I would stop counting days after a few months but it never happened but I don't think it's such a big deal. This month has been one of the hardest in a long time. Everyday seems to be a reminder of how different life was last year. I've been having some pretty down days and nobody gets it.

The saddest day of my life is supposed to be the day my dad died but it isn't. There are so many more days that were sad the day he does I felt relieved (as awful as that sounds)

the day before Halloween the doctor told me that he would be shocked if my dad made it another month. On November 8th my dad was hospitalized and asked me if I was ok with him signing a DNR. On November 8th I prayed that my dad would make it to midnight so that his death did not overlap with the birthday of my baby half sister. The next two weeks were spent at the hospital and trying to arrange transfer into a hospice or back home, filling out all the necessary paperwork. He was all set to be released on the 21st but homecare asked if we could wait until Monday because patients do better when they are released at the beginning of the week. This was fine because my dad was anxious about going home so he was now comfortable at the hospital but we had the hospital bed ready and a medical transfer set up for whenever he wanted. And I remember the day before he died he said he wanted to die, that he was ready to die and asked if I was ok with that. I can remember holding his hand and hugging him and telling him I was ok with that. I remember telling the drs he wanted to stop antibiotics(he had been in iv antibiotics for the last 8 weeks) and just have pain management. I remember the scared voice of my aunt when she found out and started getting mad at the drs and I remember the harshness in my voice when I said its dad's choice he just wants to die.

Everyday I get to remember exactly what happened last year, the nightmares are less frequent but it still clouds my mind and I feel like I can't remember all the good things. I just cry when somebody tries to bring them up I just don't feel ready to share everything. It's not a time in my life I want people to know (like I want them to know my dad I just can't separate the two things quite yet).

I know I'm lucky to have such a wonderful person in my life even if he left early. He fought as hard as he could and lived for 4 years with cancer. I will be forever grateful for the strength and courage he had to fight as hard and as long as he did because he gave me four years. Four years to watch me go from teenager to 'adult'. To watch me not only graduate from high school but also university.

Everyday I miss him, but I don't think that means there is anything wrong with me. Maybe I am taking longer to move on then normal but I really don't care. I am sick of everyone having opinions of what I should be doing. I went backpacking in Asia for 2 months and everyone felt the need to say I was running away from my problems when truth was I was just doing what I had always planned on doing just a year later then expected.

I think I just babbled up there.. Sorry. I don't really want advice or anything just wanted to share and maybe for somebody to tell me I'm normal cuz I am tired of people telling me I'm not.

Thanks and sorry I rambled

[ModKonnie]

Taurus07, You weren't rambling; I enjoyed reading your post. I remember the first anniversary of my father's death--I relived every horrible day of the three weeks leading up to it. I can say, though, that with four years having gone by, I am in a much better place emotionally. I still miss him, and holidays are particularly rough, but I know he is happy. I think the backpacking in Asia is awesome! When my father died, my mother (they were married 54 years) went to Italy because she had always wanted to go. So, I don't see any big deal about wanting to just do something you had already planned. Grieving and healing is a process that is extremely individual. Don't let others try to tell you how you should feel and how you should act. It's all in your own time. --ModKonnie