it's been 2 1/2 years since my husband passed..

[Resurie]

And I still struggle with it every day. Finding any kind of low cost counseling in my neck of the woods can be fairly difficult, and while my friends and family have been very supportive, it's still a very sensitive subject that many of them want to avoid. Sooo, I have never really had a chance to get all of these feelings off my chest.

My husband died at 32 due to chronic alcohol abuse. We had been married for 3 years at the time, and I knew he had a drinking problem to some extent, I just never realized how bad it was until it was too late. I knew he tended to reach for a bottle when things got a bit stressful, which happened, but I never knew he had to drink to function normally. He hid it so well.

[Resurie]

And I still struggle with it every day. Finding any kind of low cost counseling in my neck of the woods can be fairly difficult, and while my friends and family have been very supportive, it's still a very sensitive subject that many of them want to avoid. Sooo, I have never really had a chance to get all of these feelings off my chest.

My husband died at 32 due to chronic alcohol abuse. We had been married for 3 years at the time, and I knew he had a drinking problem to some extent, I just never realized how bad it was until it was too late. I knew he tended to reach for a bottle when things got a bit stressful, which happened pretty often, but I never knew he had to drink to function normally. He hid it so well.

I had talked to him about his drinking on many occasions, but every time I did he grew more and more distant from me. I knew it was affecting his health in a horrible way. He was losing a crazy amount of weight, had many stomach issues and always looked grey and gaunt. he always said that that was how his body reacted to the stress of his work, deadlines, etc..

Even with his excuses I had tried bringing together our family to try to talk to him about his drinking. I tried contacting programs that could help him, but it would have to have been a voluntary thing for him, and he refused to admit he had a problem.

I tried tons of things, and he would just brush me off like it was nothing. So I told him if he didn't start getting help/attempting to slow down that I'd leave and Stay with my mom for a bit. I gave him 4 months before I left. I was hoping when he saw how serious I was that he'd realize that he had a problem. Three days later he passed away. After he passed I realized just how bad his drinking problem was. any out of the way place that you wouldn't go looking for something hid a fifth of some kind of booze. he had taken the spare tire out of the storage space in the trunk of his car so he could hide booze bottles. Even in the tower of his desktop computer.

the chaplains were afraid that it was suicide, so they didn't want anyone to contact me because they were afraid there would be a lot of blaming and animosity towards me because of what I did. so I found out about his death through my 11 year old niece who snuck into their bathroom with a cell phone.

Still when I think about that moment I feel like somebody is reaching through my chest and ripping out my heart. all she said on the phone was "uncle Billy is dead" then the line went silent.

That moment plays in my head over and over.

All I can ever think of is "why did I leave?". "what would have happened if I stuck around and got him some help?". "why didn't I try harder?". "I could have stopped this". I definitely feel like this whole thing is my fault. One of the last text messages on his phone was asking somebody for Tylenol pm because he couldn't sleep alone and somebody else for a bottle of vodka.

even though he only took a few Tylenol, I think that combination was too much for his liver.

sorry for the long depressing post, I've just never been able to get this off my chest.

[HeyJude]

I am so sorry for your loss and at such a young age too. I hate alcohol - it ruins so many lives

[needy]

Resure my heart goes out to you. My husband as well was an alcoholic and I understand how much this illness impacts us, even after they are gone. I have tried counselling but by far the best help I have gotten is going to Al-Anon. Before going I had HUGE anger issues with the disease and it all seemed to drift away after two meetings.

Good luck to you.

[Coonie0905]

I'm having trouble understanding how this forum works, but I lost my husband 31/2 months ago after 40 years of marriage, and I want to die too. I'm still crying all the time, I've lost weight down to 92 lbs, and everyone else, (2 sons, friends) have moved on and I'm stuck in grief. I keep trying to "Put on my 'Big Girl' panties," but everytime I do, they fall off. I can't leave the house because I keep breaking out in tears in public. I'm already seeing a psychiatrist, but it isn't helping. My religious beliefs are the ONLY thing keeping me from suicide, because I REALLY don't want to be here anymore. Is this normal?

[obakesan]

I'm having trouble understanding how this forum works

I feel that way too ... the way that it reverses the order of posts but not until you come back to the page is *very* confusing. I've never found another forum like this.

, but I lost my husband 31/2 months ago after 40 years of marriage, and I want to die too.

this is exactly how I felt after my wife died. I wanted to be dead. The shock at the start was just numbing but as time wore on I felt more inclined towards killing myself. I keep a blog (about all sorts of rubbish, but predominately about cameras and photography) and I put my feeling up there. Partly it is because my friends read it, partly it is because I want to make my thoughts clear to myself and partly it is because I hope that perhaps some other soul can find something of worth in there.

I wrote about my struggle with suicidal thoughts there

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/2012/12/difficult-subjects.html

essentially my view is now that the longer I stay alive and the longer I grow our love for her in my heart 1) the longer that love exists in this world 2) I believe / hope that it will make the connection between us stronger.

I'm still crying all the time, I've lost weight down to 92 lbs, and everyone else, (2 sons, friends) have moved on and I'm stuck in grief. I keep trying to "Put on my 'Big Girl' panties," but everytime I do, they fall off.

the answer is simple, your sons and friends just don't understand. But if you can, be kind to them for their failure to understand means that they are not suffering. In my past there were people who wronged me that I wished to hurt, but since Anita has died I feel that there is no one that I would wish this suffering upon. So when people don't understand I am glad that they are not suffering.

I had a best friend (whom I grew up with) who died of cancer when we were both 21 (well he was a few days short of it). It took me some years to move on and continue my life (although clearly it was never the same). After some years I noticed that his mother was still deeply caught in the grief. She was functional and held herself together in public, but it was clear that she was still suffering the loss of her son.

Now thirty years later I understand her grief.

I can't leave the house because I keep breaking out in tears in public.

There are days I avoid going to be in public because I have the same issue. I have quit my job and am not working because (frankly) I can't get interested in it. But being a man the social forces have taught me from a much earlier age to hold back the tears and hide my emotions. Sometimes even though I want to be with my friends I stay at home because I know I'll need to cry today. Right now I'm back in Finland (where she died) and in my daily life I see almost noone. Save for when I go shopping. I don't have any friends here (her Family are here but the others have moved to different parts of the country) and so I can reflect as I wish. Finding her artworks and reflecting on things when I visit her grave has been helpful to me.

I'm already seeing a psychiatrist, but it isn't helping.

yeah ... I've found the same thing. Its like an un-tuned violin, if they are not tuned into you then the sound is dreadful.

My religious beliefs are the ONLY thing keeping me from suicide, because I REALLY don't want to be here anymore. Is this normal?

Well for us I'd say it is normal. I take an example of someone who looses a leg in a car accident. Their life is never the same, they can never do all of what they did in earlier life in the same way. They must re learn how to live. More so the multiple amputees.

We are like that, learning to live with the way life is and the way life has effected us.

There are no easy answers I'm afraid. I felt for a while that I had lost everything, but I came to realise that perhaps I had not lost everything.

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/2013/01/perhaps-not-everything.html

If reading any of my thoughts above helps you I'm glad. If you want to avoid the camera nonsence on my blog just click on the "Label" Grief that's a little way down the page in the left hand side.

Best wishes and I hope you find peace in life.

[kev]

i lost my wife nearly five years ago and through various disagreements both before and after then everyone else too apart from my youngest stepson. what keeps me going apart from him is to try to find something enjoyable however small each day. it doesnt matter what it is it could just be seeing a nice flower in someones garden through a bus window but if i didnt keep going i wouldnt have seen it. before my wife died i never thought i would be able to write or say anything like that and mean it but i do. we can lose a lot but still gain things.

[HeyJude]

Yes Coonie, it is completely normal. Life just doesn't seem worth living anymore but rest assured, it will get better, I promise you that. 6 months ago I didn't think it was possible to get better but it does. There will always be bad days and triggers but the human spirit is so resilient, it just somehow recovers.

Judy

I'm having trouble understanding how this forum works, but I lost my husband 31/2 months ago after 40 years of marriage, and I want to die too. I'm still crying all the time, I've lost weight down to 92 lbs, and everyone else, (2 sons, friends) have moved on and I'm stuck in grief. I keep trying to "Put on my 'Big Girl' panties," but everytime I do, they fall off. I can't leave the house because I keep breaking out in tears in public. I'm already seeing a psychiatrist, but it isn't helping. My religious beliefs are the ONLY thing keeping me from suicide, because I REALLY don't want to be here anymore. Is this normal?

[MissingDaniel]

Resurie, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I know we each have our own unique grief experience, but I believe I can identify with some of your feelings. I lost my husband in April at the age of 39, and his death was caused, according to the coroner, from a lethal combination of heroin and alcohol. His original problem was painkillers, though alcohol was a constant over the years even when he was able to break free of the opiates. We were together for 15 years, and we were a few years in when I realized how bad and longstanding his problem was. We had moved from Alabama where he had always lived and all his using friends were, and he had finally broken free from opiates, and been that way for 3 years. The drinking continued, but I hoped he would get a handle on it. But when his grandfather, who he was very close to, died in April, he naturally flew back home for the funeral. He got very drunk the day before he left, which I'm sure was motivated in large part by grief, and we were fighting the morning he left. I didn't really even tell him goodbye, because I was angry.

The evening after his grandfather's funeral, he met up with one of his oldest friends and went to hang out at his house. The last time I talked to him, he was in the car with his friend, and hurried me off the phone. I tried to reach him several times later in the evening, and he didn't answer, and I sent him an angry text and went to bed. At 2:00 the next morning, my parents knocked at my door to tell me that he was dead. There was one puncture mark on his body from the heroin, but that was apparently the first time he did it, because there were no other marks and nothing else in his system besides alcohol. To this day, I still don't know how he got the drug, if his friend knew he had it, or anything else. I have berated myself for letting him leave on bad terms, and that the last communication he got from me was anger, but I then remind myself that he made a choice to use again. I have to believe that he never expected it to take his life, but I know that he should have known better. He left behind 2 little girls who loved him very much. It's hard having to live with what ifs and if onlys, but you did what you thought you needed to in order to save him. Unfortunately, in his case it may have been too late. It sounds like you have come to terms with things over time, but I know it's hard not being able to talk about it. I have had that problem as well. No one really wants to hear about it, and of course there are the friends that, whether they say it or not, think I am actually better off. They know better than to say it out loud, but I know it's what they think.

I wish you peace and comfort, which are not always easy to come by.