New to this site

[DMC]

I just stumbled across this group last night and wanted to introduce myself. I am 44 years old and lost my husband of 20 years after a 4 month battle with cancer. We have 3 sons. Everything is so raw right now for all,of us. Watching my kids go through this pain is absolutely heartbreaking and I feel like I have no way to truly console them because my own pain is so deep. I haven't gone back to work yet and the days just drag on with very little getting accomplished. I have been seeing a therapist since a few weeks before he passed and she thinks I should wait until after the holidays to return to work. I am a home health physical,therapist so my job is very isolating, I don't have any colleagues around and I'm dealing with sick, home bound elderly patients. Not exactly the distracting kind of work environment that some may be. I never dreamed I would be in this situation and although my marriage wasn't perfect, we were partners in the truest sense. We met when I was 19 so I have never been a grown up without him and I don't know how to BE without him. I am overwhelmed by all of the practical things that have be done when someone dies and taking on all of the things that he did with the house, the kids, etc.

Sorry to ramble on. Thank you for listening.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. If you can afford it, I definitely agree with waiting until after the holidays to return to work. You didn't quite say but it sounds like this just happened, so you have more than enough to deal with right now...not just emotionally but all the other things like getting the will executed, dealing with insurance companies, medical bills, etc (PS if it might help, there are "checklists" about those things all over the internet, might want to look one up). You didn't say how old your sons were but unless they're extremely young, they can help out around the house. Hopefully you have some family and/or friends who might be able to help as well; don't be afraid to ask. And I hope this site can help as well - browse through the threads or vent here or whatever. Best to you!

PS: you didn't "ramble" and pls don't ever feel a need to apologize; you have nothing to apologize for.

[Romero93]

It sounds like you're really going through a tough time. I can only imagine how hard it must be to lose a partner of that long. I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I know grieving can be one of the toughest things to go through. I also agree if work and finances permit it might be a good idea to wait to return to work. The time off might be a good chance to clear your head and to deal with the grieving in your own way. I recently found this website that posted this video on the different states of grieving. It's an interactive video so it's more than just the bland grief articles you read all the time. I think you should check it out, who knows it may even help

http://www.bobbittchapel.com/grief-and-healing/

[obakesan]

You are not rabmling and this is the place for doing it even if you were.

My wife died of a brain cancer a bit over a year ago. The days of darkness and feeling in a pit are slowly reducing and the depth of the pit feels less ... but I could just be getting used to it. I wish I could say more to you.

Best wishes.

[DMC]

Thanks for your replies. I'm so glad I found a place where people understand. My family and friends try so hard to be supportive but I feel bad crying about the same stuff over and over to them. How do you respond when well meaning people ask you how you are doing? Do they really want to hear how awful it is, how lonely, how painful it is to wake up,each day and realize he is really gone? Or do they just want to hear that you are moving forward and surviving with strength and grace? I have come to hate the phrase "you are so strong". I don't feel strong and being told that makes me feel,like I need to act stronger to make others feel ok about my situation.

[HeyJude]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 34 yrs on 1/4/13 quite suddenly actually.

I really want to tell people how strong I am NOT when they say "you are such a strong woman". I do what I have to do to get by each day. I don't consider that strong. No one knows what I go through when I close my bedroom door at night or when I'm driving home from work in the evening. No one knows and no one really cares either. I think the next person I personally know who looses a spouse, I am just going to hold them, just hold them and let them cry and maybe even cry with them because that "your so strong" just doesn't cut it.

[MissingDaniel]

I agree, Judy. I was telling my sister-in-law last night how I realize everyone around me thinks I'm doing so well, but it's just because I don't really open up with them about how I really feel most of the time. Many times, I wish for someone close to me to just let me feel how I feel without trying to make me feel better. But it's human nature to fix, and so when you cry, the first response is to soothe and try to stop the crying. Problem is, sometimes that's exactly what we need to do!

DMC, I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. Today marks 7 months since I lost my husband very suddenly, and in many ways, I don't feel like I'm much better off now than I was then. In reality, I guess I am, at least as far as my ability to function. I am experiencing such dread about the holidays though, which I'm sure many on this site are having as well. I hope that you are able to take the holidays to stay at home with your children and get through these early stages before having to get back to work. I went back about 10 days after because I had no other choice, but I don't think I was much good to anyone for at least a couple of months. I wish for you some peace and understanding, as hard as that may seem to be to find.

I hope you find some help and some comfort here among others who can truly understand what you are going through.

[DMC]

Thanks MD and Jude. I can't even think about the holidays, I feel like throwing up anytime the subject comes up. I think the decision to go back to work now would be easier if the holidays weren't coming up so quickly. The thought of having to work when the kids are off from school and not being there for them is unbearable. Each of them has their days when they just fall apart and can't go to school or need to get picked up from school early and I never know when it's coming, and of course neither do they. Most of the time they are doing so well, or faking it really well. Being boys they don't express their feelings very well and I think it builds up. I am going to look into some grief counseling for them although the older two(17 and 15) want nothing to do with it. It seems so unfair that the hardest parenting moments of my life are the ones I am dealing with now that I am alone to deal with them.

[HeyJude]

I am dreading the holidays too...big time. It is almost like there is nothing to celebrate, no reason to even participate.

Tomorrow evening I am going to a grief seminar of sorts about surviving the holidays. I'll let you all know what they talk about and if they have any good ideas at all.

I personally feel like being a Jehovah Witness and not celebrate anything ever again...

[Silvergirl61]

I tried to do the oliday thing last year..think this year..I am going to just not. I hear you Judy..I don't find anything to celebrate about. Lately all i do is drift, from one day to the next. It just seems to be one of those periods of time , where it isn't worth the effort to plan or try to achieve much of anything.

Maybe it will feel different in a few days or weeks.. guess i'll wait around and see.

[needy]

So sorry for your loss DMC. It has been 8 months since my husband passed away suddenly and I wish I could tell you it has been an easy road to recovery but it hasn't. I went back to work early. I felt like a zombie for a few months, thank god I had supportive co-workers to help me through it. Your profession in a bit different I think taking the time is a good thing. I too was very overwhelmed with practical stuff, it is better but I still somehow find something I screw up.

I have dreaded Christmas for a few years. First off hate shopping. I hate it to the core. Spend hours and hours in a mall buying gifts for people to return. What is the point? My husband never wanted to go to parties and we never had any visitors. This year I am really dreading it but I am going to try to change a few things to see if it helps. I have been invited to two Christmas parties. Nothing too exciting and both are work related. Hoping to invite a few people over even for a little party at my house. Something I have never done before. I always wanted to go to a live nativity scene the city puts on every year. My family never wanted to go, this year if they don't want to go that is ok, I will go solo. The local bereavement society is doing a talk on surviving the holidays, I sure will be attending it. I am just hoping for a day that has a little bit of happiness in it.

I am very interested Judy on what you have learned surviving the holidays.

[DMC]

Judy and Needy I am open to hearing any advice on surviving the holidays. I think what I would do if it was just me is totally different than what I need to do because I have 3 kids. I am thinking of having a little family meeting to discuss it. We already decided to still have our normal big Christmas Eve at our house with my husbands family and a some close friends. It's all of the other traditions leading up to Christmas that I'm really dreading. My husband loved to get a ridiculously tall tree because we have 18 foot ceilings in our family room. I'm thinking I will do it this year if the kids want it but not after that. I usually decorate the inside of the house, my husband would do the outside lights and wreaths. I bake and play Christmas music, shop and wrap presents. We have people over during the whole holiday season, New Years Eve party, the whole deal. My husband was a perfect partner to entertain with, we had a rhythm, we divided the tasks and everything would going smoothly and beautifully. Ok, reality is we would be stressed out and snap at each other during all of the prep but it was always worth it in the end. Now, I don't know how to do,it without him. I don't WANT to do it without him. But my kids need Christmas. They like having a lot of people around. They like the noise. UHGGGGGG!!!!!!!!

[needy]

DMC, I think your Christmas sounds perfect. I always dreamed of having a Christmas like that.

I am sure not an expert at all surviving the holidays. My first instinct was for me and my boys to go away for the holidays but unfortunately that isn't going to happen so I am at a lost on how to survive it. My sister in law is the only local relative. To make a long story short she said some nasty things to me during Thanksgiving so I am not sure if I want to venture in her domain during the holidays and I am sure her and her family don't want to come to my house. Oh well what can you do.

Judy do you have any insight? My meeting isn't till the first week of December.

[HeyJude]

http://www.griefshare.org/holidays

There is all kinds of info on this site. It is what the seminar we went to was about. There are some good ideas here!

[DMC]

Jude , thank you for the link! It will be good to keep looking back on over the next several weeks as I face the holidays. I hope you found some benefit for yourself.

[needy]

Wonderful site. Thank you Judy for sharing.