Lost my mother

[perrymogp]

I lost my mother on October 9, 2009. I was 17 years old at the time. My father called me at 8:30am to ask me to wake my mother up for work because he had been calling to no avail. I found my mother dead when I went to wake her up. The coroner said she had been dead for an hour...and when I checked my phone I realized my father had started trying to call me at 7:30. At times, I feel responsible for her death. That at the time she needed me the most I wasn't there to help. Other times, I feel overwhelmed by the loss. But most of the time, I feel both of these things. She was my best friend and the only person who understood me. I'm now in college and have been dating for over a year...and even the joy of these things is met with anguish over the fact my mother isn't here to celebrate them with me. I miss her so much and am starting to have trouble recalling her voice, her face. The pictures don't do much to help. The reality of her isn't here to grab me up and remind me of who she is anymore. The holidays are especially the worst. She filled Christmas with Christmas spirit. She was so warm and loving, and the house was filled with the mother's touch. I feel lost and helpless, in need of the advice of a mother that isn't here with me. None of my friends understand or even make the effort to ask about it, as if death is the topic of discussion to avoid at all costs... and even my wonderful girlfriend can't comfort me because she hasn't felt that type of loss before (and i hope that day never comes). I wish I could hear her voice again. I wish she was still around to make me macaroni and cheese and heal my wounds with her calm heart and soothing hugs.

[Rwilliams1346]

.. On 9-27-10 my mother had a massive stroke that took away her ability to speak and walk this stroke paralyzed my mother on the right side.

From that day forward my life was at a change for the worst! I watched my mother suffer and my sisters blamed me for the stroke they said if I wouldn't have had my disagreements with my mother that this wouldn't have happened... Whats makes matters worse is that my mother and I weren't talking she was upset with me for staying out late.

I am 24 years old now at the time I was 21 and just moved back home to help with the bills. I woke up to my sister yelling saying that somethings wrong with mom. My mother was in the bathroom when the stroke happened, It was like 2:00am. I looked at my mother and for the first time she didn't recognize me.

She regained her memory back slowly. But she was left paralyzed and couldn't speak or talk her words would become confused with numbers.

The guilt I have is not treating her better before her stroke and not knowing that she was ill....

I watched my mother suffer for 3 years before she passed at hospice

I was her care taker for most of the time.

The most hurtful thing in the world is to see your loved one in pain and to have to change their soiled diapers =(

My mother passed away at 3:15am at the hospice in san antonio tx.

I wasn't even the 1st or second to find out

My older sister who was power of attorney hid it from me until about 10am

I dont think I can forgive my sister for being the only one there by mom's side before she passed especially since I lived 10 minutes away from the hospice NO ONE LET ME KNOW...

When I visited my mother she was stiff and the blood was no longer in her body but it was all pulled to the bottom of her body. I held her for over an hour crying until my spouse pulled me out of the room..

I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks and deep depression that makes me exhausted..

I guess I am on here today hoping to find someone to talk to

Rebecca

[Rwilliams1346]

I know how you feel I feel responsible for my mother's death as well. I feel If I had been awake before her stroke I could have taken her to the hospital before it happened and If I was a better daughter for that week my mother would have been talking to me telling me that she was feeling bad....

My mother was my best friend as well!!

my mother just recently passed 12/19/2012

and then there is xmas right after..

She couldn't even enjoy thanksgiving she was on a feeding tube

I can honestly say I hate the holidays

[Buttercup32]

perrymogp, I read your post and I'm very new to this, but wanted to reply because I am a mother of children about your age and also lost my mother, very suddenly. And I can tell you, she was also the joy of our family and I absolutely dread this upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas and the future. Any death changes the identity and dynamics of a family, but a sudden one leaves everyone sort of in shock, as well. And when it's your mother, your best friend, the person who brings joy and humor to all family gatherings and ultimate appreciation and love for everything you do, as well as comfort... it doesn't matter how old you are when you lose her. It's no different.

I have an idea that might help you, as i found it helped me. My mother's best friends who were close to her as she raised me from the time I was born were very comforting in a very motherly way on the phone with me. And they were HER friends - therefore knew her really well. People she talked to often. They are her age and they would know how you must miss her. I recommend calling them and asking how they are doing, if you can. They would be happy to hear you are thinking of them and also want, for her sake, to give you some of the comfort you need. You know they miss her too. And, thanks to their age, they have experienced to share that might help, too.

I find that my own peers who I would normally consider my good friends have not reached out to me or communicated much at all, since my mother suddenly had a fatal, completely unexpected heart attack 13 days ago. The only solace I somehow have felt has been from either the spiritual awareness I have from my mother or the few phone calls I had with the women who loved her and knew her well. Three people.

Warm thoughts to you. You will have so much empathy for others in your life, because of what you have gone through. Losing your mother at 17 is unfair and confusing. Yet, she is with you always and just know that you have inside you her spirit, as a treasure, because you are her child.