My mom, she is gone.

[lemc87]

Hi everyone:

So I'm new here, but I have been lurking for a few days now. I thought I'd share my story with you all.

I am 26... and I just lost my 59-year-old mom on October. 11, 2013. She had gone to bed and died from a heartattack. Even typing this, I'm shaking. I am reliving that dreadful phone call I received that morning, my aunt telling me my mom was gone, hearing the grief in her voice. She couldn't talk, she was waiting to speak to the coroner. I was in my apartment two hours away and had completely lost it. This was so unexpected. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. I am so thankful my boyfriend was there to comfort me. He made me close my eyes and breathe, I was hyperventilating. He knew, he understood. I must have told him somehow.

Fastforward to a few hours later and I'm on my way to her house. I know I have to get to my little brother and my dad. I get to their place and my two aunts, uncle, and step-sister are all there. The next day, I was at the funeral home, making the arrangements and picking out the urn. How I did this, I will never know. I just knew I needed to be the strong one. My dad was falling apart and my little brother is only 18, so I had to be the responsible one.

We had to wait a week for the funeral. They had to do an autopsy on her body and it was Thanksgiving weekend, so this prolonged everything. On Friday, October. 18, we had a two-hour service. My older brother had written a eulogy. I regret not standing up there and talking about her, because there are so many things I wish I could have said.

I'm fairly good at hiding how I feel, but I am so heartbroken. I miss her so much and this is tearing me up. I feel like I haven't really gotten to grieve because I had to take care of others and now I'm back to my routine life. I appreciate the distractions, but I feel like I'm going to eventually have a meltdown.

I honestly feel cheated. She wanted grandchildren, she wanted to see me get married, but now she won't be there. How can I be assured she is truly happy wherever she may be? I know she's proud of me and loves my boyfriend, but there are so many things she's going to miss out on. All I ever wanted to do was make her happy and now she's not here.

I can't call her anymore, or cry on her shoulder. I have lost my best friend and I don't know how to cope or where to go from here. When I'd come to visit, we'd sit up all night and talk. We'd play Yahtzee and drink coffee or tea.

I think she knew she was sick, but didn't want anyone else to know. She always had an excuse for feeling sick. "Oh, I have that flu that's going around..." or "My wrist hurts; it's just carpal tunnel." In the last few years, she had lost a lot of weight. I had begged her to go see a doctor as she was looking so frail, but she never would. She was stubborn and set in her ways. She always said if she was dying, she didn't want to know. She never wanted to worry her kids, but I wish she would have just told me, or sought help. Maybe they could have saved her. Now my little brother won't have his mom to help him grow and to help guide him through a world that's frightening and unfair.

I'm not upset at her... she would have never intentionally wanted her kids to be hurting this much. Words can't describe how I feel, but I know you guys will understand where I'm coming from.

Thank you for listening (and sorry about the rambling).

[ameliae]

Eventually the distractions will hit and only the pain will be left. I found my mother, 54, dead of an apparent heart attack on 10/7/13 in her appartment. She wasn't answering my calls which was extremely unusual because we talked or texted everyday and after not hearing from her on Sunday, Monday I went to check on her. Believe me it was the last thing I expected to find. The first week was a blur between making funeral arangements and notifying everyone. Since then though it has only been pain. I keep waiting for it to get better but it doesn't. I can't eat or sleep and it's like part of me doesn't realize she is gone. I keep waiting for her to call even though I know it's not going to happen. The guilt is the worst part though. She didn't have any history of heart disease and the cornor said that her death was so quick she wouldn't have had time to call for help or suffered but I can't make sense of it. She wasn't sick although looking back now, after researching about heart disease, she had been incredibly tired the week preceeding and just thought she had the flu. I feel like I should have known and made her go to the doctor and demand to have a thorough examination. In fact she seen her family doctor on 10/3, three days before she died, how did they now know something was wrong? I'm the opposite though and all I can do is grieve. Life seems so pointless now. My boyfriend tries the best he can and has been there for me every step of the way but it's like the rest of my family has moved on and here I am stuck, not even wanting to move on.

[lemc87]

Eventually the distractions will hit and only the pain will be left. I found my mother, 54, dead of an apparent heart attack on 10/7/13 in her appartment. She wasn't answering my calls which was extremely unusual because we talked or texted everyday and after not hearing from her on Sunday, Monday I went to check on her. Believe me it was the last thing I expected to find. The first week was a blur between making funeral arangements and notifying everyone. Since then though it has only been pain. I keep waiting for it to get better but it doesn't. I can't eat or sleep and it's like part of me doesn't realize she is gone. I keep waiting for her to call even though I know it's not going to happen. The guilt is the worst part though. She didn't have any history of heart disease and the cornor said that her death was so quick she wouldn't have had time to call for help or suffered but I can't make sense of it. She wasn't sick although looking back now, after researching about heart disease, she had been incredibly tired the week preceeding and just thought she had the flu. I feel like I should have known and made her go to the doctor and demand to have a thorough examination. In fact she seen her family doctor on 10/3, three days before she died, how did they now know something was wrong? I'm the opposite though and all I can do is grieve. Life seems so pointless now. My boyfriend tries the best he can and has been there for me every step of the way but it's like the rest of my family has moved on and here I am stuck, not even wanting to move on.

I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs from afar. I am so very thankful I wasn't the one who found her, so I can just imagine what you're going through. She had gone to bed around 2 a.m. and died in her sleep. Her eyes were closed and there was no pain on her face, so the coroner believes she passed away peacefully without knowing what happened. This is what she wanted, so I'm happy for that.

I cried for hours yesterday. I feel so lost without my mom. I'm sick, which makes matters worse. She was always there, a very concerned parent when we were sick. I hate how I have to act like I'm okay and I have to get on with life. Some days I wish I could just go back to bed and escape the world for a bit. I feel like people at work expect me to be "over it" because she's been gone for almost a month now... no one understands it unless they've been through it themselves.