Loss of Mother

[JRiff]

I posted my story in the care giving section as well, but it seems this is where most people are.

My story is a little complicated and I'm having a difficult time sorting out my emotions. I am 25 and work in law enforcement. My mom (62) was diagnosed with lymphoma 3 years ago and has been in and out of the hospital. All times she was showing improvement, however the cancer continued to spread. Recently she had a bone marrow test done and it was ruled that nothing more can be done. We started hospice care and are just focusing on keeping her comfortable. I'm thinking she has 1-3 weeks. My dad has done a great job taking care of her and he has been through most appointments and tests with her. I understand that she is only comfortable with him doing the primary care giving, but I help out when I can.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this because I never had an open relationship with my mom. We loved each other deeply and got along well, but communication was a bit tough. She suffered from depression and anxiety and I hated making her worry all the time. My life hasn't been the smoothest as far as my career and getting by. I live a good life, but found it difficult to be fake around her and pretend to be happy when in reality, I wasn't. I knew she of all people could understand the bad aspects of life. All she wanted sometimes was to be more involved with my life, but I did resist a bit and I regret it. She loved me, but I wish I could have given her more. My whole family has a closed off relationship, but are still close in a way. She's very proud of me and got to see a lot of my good accomplishments. She got to see me graduate as summa kum laude in college and finish first in my police academy class and win awards. I'm glad I could give that to her.

Its very difficult to see my mom like this. The drugs seems to make her feel good, but she still has pain. I do my crying sporadically throughout the day and do my best to stay happy and focus on the good things with her. Since she always recovered from these bad spells, in the back of my mind I figured she'd still pull through somehow. It became much more real for me ever since I found a pamphlet given by a social worker titled "Preparing for Death". Ever since then I haven't felt the same. I realized that I've been trying to avoid this because the less I knew about her condition, the less scared I would be. Because she always stood with me and because of all the memories I have with her, she is the only person in this world that I feel this torn up about. Grandparents have died in their 80's and I just saw it as an aspect of life because it was their time. This is entirely different. I cherish my childhood more than most people and I know its all because of her.

I tell her I love her, but I cannot bring myself to thank her for everything because that is like acknowledging that she is dying. My girlfriend is helping me, but I cannot go to her all the time. She doesn't fully understand because she hasn't dealt with anything like this. I know there are no magic answers, I am struggling heavily with all of this.

Jared

[ModKonnie]

Jared, It is the hardest thing in the world to let someone go, but you both will feel better if you thank your mom. Acknowledging that she is dying doesn't mean you are giving up on her. When my father was dying, I regretted never having enough time to sit and listen to all of his stories and being so busy I only stayed for a short while. But when it was truly obvious he was going to really die, I made sure he knew how much we all loved him, appreciated his sacrifice and tried to be like him. You are dealing with much right now. It's nice you have such a supportive girlfriend. Do you have any other relatives? Can you talk with them? We will be here for you--ModKonnie

[JRiff]

Thanks for the reply Konnie. My brother and father are my immediate family members involved. None of us have a very good communication system. We all feel each others pain, but part of it is the male stubbornness for having a hard time opening up. My aunt is really supportive and made me feel a lot better today when she came over. Seeing these social workers come in and out and asking her life and death questions is very painful. I understand they are helping her come to terms with her death, but it is not pleasant for me to be around. Thinking about the good memories is just as hard as being around for the bad times now. I absolutely dread looking at old pictures. There is just pain in every corner. I know my mom will want me to rise up and succeed in life. That's what I will do in time for her. It gives me comfort knowing she would be proud of the person I will be in the future. This initial grieving process is what I have to get through first. It is way more difficult than I could have ever imagined.