Mom already dating

[MourningDad]

I lost my father earlier this year in a tragic accident. We were very close. At first, it was easier to deal with because (A) I was in shock, and (B ) my family was really there for one another. A little over six months later, my mom is suddenly dating someone new, and even spending pretty much every night at the guys house. I'm trying to be supportive, but it's really bothering me. Just this past weekend, she took the guy to her hometown, and he met all of my mom's siblings, and nieces and nephews. I'm feeling really angry right now. I am hurt that they are so open to replacing my dad.

The logical side of me knows that they're probably just trying to be supportive, but it's a bit disturbing that no one questions the speed at which this relationship is moving forward. My parents were very much in love. How can my mom have spent over 30 years with someone and then just be able to replace him so quickly?

I worry that she is trying to fill a void. I hope that's not the case.

Additionally, all of this is intensifying the grief I feel for my dad's loss. My brother is also having a hard time dealing with this.

(I haven't met this new guy yet, btw. I'm not ready. I want to get through my first year without my dad before I open up to meeting someone my mom is dating.)

Has anyone else been through something similar with a widowed parent dating so quickly? Any words of wisdom?

[ModKonnie]

My parents were married 54 years. The night of my Dad's funeral, my mother announced to all of us she was going to go on a Grande Tour of Italy for a month. Dad died in August, and by December, mom was inviting a man almost 30 years younger than her to dinner, and he helped mom and all the grandkids bake Christmas cookies. We had decided we wouldn't mind if Mom dated, but WOW! That was tough to watch, and we weren't even really sure what was going on. That spell only lasted a short while. So, I'm no expert, but I'd say your mom is trying to find her way. No matter when your mom decided to date again, it would be tough for you to deal with. Try to keep an open mind and be supportive of her. You are all going through a tough time, and you need each other. --ModKonnie

[widower2]

The logical side of me knows that they're probably just trying to be supportive, but it's a bit disturbing that no one questions the speed at which this relationship is moving forward. My parents were very much in love. How can my mom have spent over 30 years with someone and then just be able to replace him so quickly?

Though never been in that position, I can understand your confusion/anger. My semi-educated answer to your question would be that she's very lonely and desperately afraid of being alone, both short term and long term.

I worry that she is trying to fill a void. I hope that's not the case.

? What's wrong with that? Take it from an expert, loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be. If you mean because she's moving too fast, that may be, but really there isn't much if anything you can do about it. If you feel you need to, you could talk to her, but it's a very touchy situation, obviously, so I'd try to remain calm when doing so and just express your concerns etc.

Additionally, all of this is intensifying the grief I feel for my dad's loss. My brother is also having a hard time dealing with this

Again understandable. Wish I had some brilliant words of advice. Have you talked to your mom or does she have any idea about how you feel?

[italia9970]

My father was out with another woman not even a month after my mother passed away. This horrified me so much, I quit speaking to him except for when I absolutely, positively must. I knew that my parents' relationship was never a very strong one and that they stayed together mostly because of religious reasons...but when she died, it was as if he'd been waiting to be sprung from a trap.

The women he's been seeing are entirely the opposite of my mother. But they are pressing my father to commit and so he leaves off with them when the situation gets too complicated and moves on to the next one.

The way I'm dealing with things is very different from my 2 sisters, who seem to either not care or not know what to say; perhaps a combination of both. They have criticized me for my purposeful distance from our dad. So you're fortunate to at least have a similar way of thinking with your brother.

As I've considered this, I have decided that my life is my own journey and my father's is his. I don't have to understand what he's doing, nor do I have to put my stamp of approval on it. I thoroughly disapprove of what he's done. But we both must continue to journey.

Christmas should be interesting.

[sogovia]

My father was out with another woman not even a month after my mother passed away. This horrified me so much, I quit speaking to him except for when I absolutely, positively must. I knew that my parents' relationship was never a very strong one and that they stayed together mostly because of religious reasons...but when she died, it was as if he'd been waiting to be sprung from a trap.

The women he's been seeing are entirely the opposite of my mother. But they are pressing my father to commit and so he leaves off with them when the situation gets too complicated and moves on to the next one.

The way I'm dealing with things is very different from my 2 sisters, who seem to either not care or not know what to say; perhaps a combination of both. They have criticized me for my purposeful distance from our dad. So you're fortunate to at least have a similar way of thinking with your brother.

As I've considered this, I have decided that my life is my own journey and my father's is his. I don't have to understand what he's doing, nor do I have to put my stamp of approval on it. I thoroughly disapprove of what he's done. But we both must continue to journey.

Christmas should be interesting.

Hi, i am relatively new here but i find your last paragraph is of really good way of looking at things, particularly about the other parent seeing someone else so soon. I know it can seem very hard, but this is really good advice if you dont' mind me saying so?

[sogovia]

I think grief can affect people in all sorts of ways and when people have been together for so long, i can sort of understand why they do what they do. I think people have to do whatever is necessary to grieve and if that involves seeing someone else, maybe that someone else is a shoulder to cry on. As parents we don't want to burden our children with our grief but may need to burden it in some other form.

sogovia

[Blackrock]

It's hard to say for relationship. Moving on to another partner maybe a way of avoidance and trying to find some company. I know a coworker who's husband passed away and she still loved him very much but she's dating. She'll not remarry but she's has someone to share her burdens.

And it's hard for children or anyone to understand. You might be angry but that's your loved one too and you want to give them the freedom to choose their way and be there when they need you.

I lost my dad recently and it hurts so bad. My parents fought all the time but now my dad is gone and my mom cries everyday. It's not easy to accept the reality and people do different things to avoid it. My brother still can't accept the fact that my dad is gone and he kept avoiding to mention it. But when he's alone he crashed and cries by himself.

[italia9970]

Thank you, sogovia. I guess I wanted some validation and so that's why I posted what I did. My sisters think I'm being unforgiving. It isn't that...really, it isn't. More like shock and awe! I'm shocked and dismayed that he'd be able to justify such behavior.

I do believe that he's seeking any sort of distraction that he can find. I believe that's what is motivating him. But it's also become abundantly clear that he was unhappy in his marriage to my mother. Otherwise, wouldn't it be more appropriate to wait it out and grieve a bit before moving into dating.

Truth is, his behavior has embarrassed me.

[sogovia]

"Hi Thank you, sogovia. I guess I wanted some validation and so that's why I posted what I did. My sisters think I'm being unforgiving. It isn't that...really, it isn't. More like shock and awe! I'm shocked and dismayed that he'd be able to justify such behavior.

I do believe that he's seeking any sort of distraction that he can find. I believe that's what is motivating him. But it's also become abundantly clear that he was unhappy in his marriage to my mother. Otherwise, wouldn't it be more appropriate to wait it out and grieve a bit before moving into dating.

Truth is, his behavior has embarrassed me."

Hi there, sorry i haven't been on here for a few nights but when you say that his behavior has embarrassed you, i was wondering in what way? And i wonder if you had any evidence to say it was clear that your father was unhappy in his marriage when your mother was alive? Or are you (dont' get me wrong) but making that judgment on the fact that he is seeing someone else so soon?

sogovia

[sogovia]

Sorry, i am still trying to work out how to quote properly

[italia9970]

No worries about the delayed response. Look at me! Ha. I just finished teaching and now I'm on vacation. The days leading up to this break are so chaotic, I haven't even been online.

I go back and forth about what I think his motives may be...they separated the summer I graduated from high school and he campaigned to reconcile with her. They did, eventually, but they lived such a completely separate life I have been left to wonder why he didn't go through with the divorce way back when.

He made her very unhappy. He made his 3 children very unhappy. And now that she's gone...he is a completely different version of himself. So is this a symptom of grief? Is it relief to have done with a bad marriage? I can't say. I only know that less than a month after she was gone, he was out with another woman. That's the embarrassing part for me. I feel he's making himself look ridiculous and our family, as well.

It's a tough one.

[dentholla]

This thread is about the closest thing I can find to my current situation. My father immediately picked up a girlfriend after my mother suddenly passed away. This was 9 months ago and I've never met or nor has he ever shown any interest in me meeting her. I am...or was (who knows at this point) the Executor of their estate. My mother and I had a conversation the week she passed away about her wishes and what my role would be. I've followed them to the letter. He calls me not 8 weeks after she passes away and tells me that I need to make sure and take care of this girlfriend in the event of his death so that she is taken care of? I don't even know this woman and couldn't pick her out of a crowd. We haven't seen each other since August after he forgot my birthday. His response to that was I don't do birthdays. It's only been 37 years...what the heck. I do have an older brother with a severe drug problem and he's enabled him his entire 41 years on the planet. I got a call 3 weeks ago that he is "done" with my brother. We shall see. I also got a call on Christmas Eve that he feels like I've abandoned him in his time of need which made no sense to me. He was upset because he wanted to bring the girlfriend to Christmas dinner and my Aunt told him that it probably wouldn't be a good idea given she hasn't even met me. She can't meet my kids the same day she meets me. No freakin way. So he spent Christmas with his "new family". His words...not mine.

[SaturnGreed]

It's hard to say for relationship. Moving on to another partner maybe a way of avoidance and trying to find some company. I know a coworker who's husband passed away and she still loved him very much but she's dating. She'll not remarry but she's has someone to share her burdens.

And it's hard for children or anyone to understand. You might be angry but that's your loved one too and you want to give them the freedom to choose their way and be there when they need you.

I lost my dad recently and it hurts so bad. My parents fought all the time but now my dad is gone and my mom cries everyday. It's not easy to accept the reality and people do different things to avoid it. My brother still can't accept the fact that my dad is gone and he kept avoiding to mention it. But when he's alone he crashed and cries by himself.

 

This is a very reasonable answer. I wish i realized this sooner. I directed my aunt to a dating site to try and help her. SHe tried http://www.freedatinghelper.com/reviews/christian-filipina/ and she actually enjoyed it.

[Tmlg]

My mother and father were separated when he passed away and I'm still having a hard time with her dating. The man my mother is dating used to talk badly about my father. I've never liked him and he started living with us before my father passed away when I was 16. My mom doesn't respect that I don't want someone around who didn't like my father. I feel betrayed that she is with this man all the time when I needed her. She seems so in love and happy while I am dealing with a loss alone. She has a new life. My mom is aware that I am unhappy. Her dating has caused so much more unneeded stress. It seems that you should put your child first..

[aecohen]

I can relate to many of the comments and experiences on this thread, and offer my virtual support and empathy.

 

My mom died 11 years ago. I was 14 at the time, and not long after her death, someone directed my dad towards a website (I suppose kind of similar to this one) called widow.net. He connected with a woman whose husband had recently died from the same type of brain cancer as my mom. Within a year, we were moving across the country (From Ohio to New Jersey) so he could try to make things work with this woman. We moved the summer before my junior year in high school, and though all of my extended family lives in New Jersey and New York, I was furious with my father for forcing such a drastic change, during perhaps the most vulnerable year of my life.

 

I remember meeting her for the first time. I was at my grandparents house, and he brought her inside to introduce to me, and I refused to come out of their guest room. I hated her before I even met her, but after much coaxing, I reluctantly came out for a 30 second hello. 

 

She turned out to be nothing like my kind, compassionate, warm, and soothing mother. Though, at 25, I can finally admit that his second wife (who he happens to now be separated from) isn't an inherently bad person. In fact, buried under her hard exterior is a vehemently strong and caring woman, but she is cold and impatient, and talks down to me, my brother, her own children, and most importantly my father. They married a year after we'd moved, and have now been technically married for 8 years. She has three children, and the familial blending never set in. My brother doesn't speak to her, and our relationship is far from cordial. Now, she is again living in New Jersey, and my father is back in Ohio. 

 

He feels guilt from the situation deeply, and will for the rest of his life. Considering his position, I realize now that he was just trying to cope. He'd lost his best friend and love of his life, and happened happened upon a woman that could relate honestly to his pain. 

 

Like every thing in life, we learn from our mistakes. My dad learned from what he now calls a mistake. But to me, classifying it this way is a mistake.

[JPF]

Within 6 months of my mother suddenly passing away, my father started dating another woman and she almost immediately moved in with him.  I don't have a problem with that, except that he refuses to acknowledge to any of us that he is dating/living with this woman referring to her has his "friend".  I understand my father wants to move on with his life and I know that his marriage to my other was not ideal, and I don't expect him to be alone.  But I don't want to have a relationship with this woman, they are together and I can accept that but that's as far as I want to go.  I have nothing against her, I am still processing my mothers death and I do not want to relate to her in that way.  But it seems that every time I go over to his house or meet him, she is there and any time we talk he brings up all the things her children are doing, talks about going to see them and her extended family and dad tries to recreate holiday memmories/traditions of my mothers using his new girlfriend.  One of my siblings brought up similar concerns with him and he exploded claiming they didn't want him to be happy, so I am reluctant to bring up the matter and have basically decided to avoid interaction with them, beyond family functions/holidays.  I find it unfortunate that this divide has been created, but I don't know if there is anyway heal the rift.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear friends,

 

Honestly, I wish my dad had met someone else after he and my mom divorced. Even though she didn't pass away, their relationship was thoroughly done. No matter how painful it was for me, I wanted my dad to be as happy as possible. It was only right for them to separate, though I didn't think it was at the time. I would never want my dad to go through life without reaching his whole potential in happiness. Wouldn't you want the same for your loved one after their spouse has died?

 

Losing someone you loved so deeply is going to be hard, no matter what the relationship between the two was like. If they are already dating, it could mean they are trying their hardest to block out all of that pain with a distraction. Maybe the passing of their spouse has changed them in a profound way. No one wants to be alone when their time to go comes, they could be trying to fill the void that their spouse once filled. Though it could never be quite the same, if it is making them feel any better, I do not see the harm in it.

 

When my dad died, it really opened my eyes to how quickly life can change. It made me want to seek out relationships, both old and new. I reunited with friends I hadn't talked to for years. I began reflecting and looking back at chances I could have taken with girls I liked, but never did. My dad's passing has given me the courage to want to bring myself happiness in other ways. Even though I don't necessarily feel like I can ever be as happy as I was with him, it's a start.

[BaileyB]

Within 6 months of my mother suddenly passing away, my father started dating another woman and she almost immediately moved in with him.  I understand my father wants to move on with his life and I don't expect him to be alone.  But I don't want to have a relationship with this woman, they are together and I can accept that but that's as far as I want to go.  I have nothing against her, I am still processing my mothers death and I do not want to relate to her in that way.  But it seems that every time I go over to his house or meet him, she is there and any time we talk he brings up all the things her children are doing, talks about going to see them and her extended family and dad tries to recreate holiday memmories/traditions of my mothers using his new girlfriend.  One of my siblings brought up similar concerns with him and he exploded claiming they didn't want him to be happy, so I am reluctant to bring up the matter and have basically decided to avoid interaction with them, beyond family functions/holidays.  I find it unfortunate that this divide has been created, but I don't know if there is anyway heal the rift.

Your post is so close to my experience, it's a little scary. My brother and I are trying to tolerate the relationship, although it is not easy. In my fathers case, his loss exceeds his coping and communication skills. The result is that he has taken what could be a new start and made it a very challenging experience for everyone involved. It makes me sad, because I love him and I want him to be happy... But we can only do so much and unfortunately sometimes there are situations that are just not easy to resolve or heal.