Anticipation of loss

[trendycheetah3]

Hello all,

I'm new to this, and I'm not completely sure how it works. I only know that I needed an outlet for these overwhelming emotions. This all started in January of 2013 when my Mom was officially diagnosed with stage four cervical cancer with metastasis to the lungs and liver. In June of 2012 my Mom went into the Doctor's to get some tests done, as she knew something was wrong. After 2 and a half months of waiting, the results came back saying she had severely abnormal precancerous cells, and they booked her an appointment for January 2013. Over time, her symptoms and especially the pain she was experiencing when sitting, worsened. Despite multiple (read 4 or 5) trips to two different hospitals and insisting that something was wrong, she was told that 7 months (from June) was an acceptable wait for a gynecological appointment, and that even if it was cervical cancer, it wouldn't spread that fast. They were terribly terribly wrong.

Let me start by saying that my Mom is absolutely my best friend and I actively call her my soul mate. We always say that even if we had not been mother and daughter, we would have found each other and been friends, regardless of the age difference. She knows me in a way no other person can, as she is my mother and has been there since day 1, watching me grow and helping to guide me into the person I've become now. She was my maid of honour in my wedding this past April, a wedding that ended up being moved from October because her doctor knew she wouldn't have hair, nor did he know how she would feel and so suggested we move it up.

One of the hardest things of all this is that she is the only person in the world that I absolutely wish I could talk to about how much I'm hurting and afraid. How much I panic when I think of a world that she's not in. How afraid I am to have children without her there, and how excruciating it is that my children will never get to experience for themselves how amazing and wonderful she is. Words will never be enough to describe her. When this all started she told me not to treat her differently, and to keep calling and talking about my day to day stuff. Now, and understandably, she can't manage to hear most of the stuff I have to say. She's impatient from pain, and no longer able to offer a shoulder to lean on due to be being overwhelmed by her fatigue and general well-being. She tries so hard to be understanding, but the cancer makes her all sharp edges and it's tough to see her like that. In the beginning she was consoling us, and tell us it would be okay. She is (mostly) and was the most positive person I've ever met who's faced a battle with cancer.

I am 25, and she is only 43. She had me when she was 17 and my brother when she was 18, and raised the two of us on her own. She called us the Three Musketeers, and we always had a way of finding ourselves through the rough times, and believe me, there were so many of them where we came from. She is an astounding parent. My Mom is also a huge child at heart, always quick to laugh. She loves strongly and deeply. She is almost fanatical about her hockey team, and constantly teases my husband for being a fan of our biggest rival. I love her so much it hurts.

I don't really know what else to say other than I hurt all the time. Since January, I feel like I'll never be entirely happy again. Like everything after this will be bitter sweet because I'll always be wishing she was here. 2013 was supposed to be the biggest, happiest year of our lives so far. I graduated from university, got married and got my license. But cancer came and dulled down all of those things by beginning to take away one of the most important people in my life. I feel like I walk around with shattered glass inside of me all the time. I know I should be taking advantage of every moment I have left with her and creating beautiful memories, but it's hard when I know what the cost will be.

Thank you to whoever reads this, it is a little better to know that I am not alone in my grief and to get it out of my system in what has always been my biggest outlet -- writing. Also I'm sorry for the long ramble lol.

[Reflections]

I'm so sorry you're going through such profound pain. Your mother sounds like an amazing person. Thank you for sharing a bit of her with us.

[dlionsfan901]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am also 25 years old and I lost my father nearly two months ago from a three and half year battle with Stage IV Hodgkin's Lymphoma Cancer. I am not going to lie to you, it is the hardest thing I've ever been through. Your relationship with your mother sounds analogous to me and my father's relationship. The best advice I can give is literally take advantage of every minute you have with her and make her as happy and comfortable as possible. Again, I am truly sorry that you have to go through this. No one deserves to lose their loved one to cancer. It's unfair and really alters life. I will pray for you and your family tonight and God bless.

Sincerely,

Brian

[JRiff]

Thank you for posting. This is my first post ever regarding anything like this. It seems my situation mirrors yours exactly. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your mom. I'm sure she is extremely pleased with that and to see you doing well. I am 25 as well and my mom was diagnosed with lymphoma 3 years ago. She's been in and out of the hospital for a while and the first two times she made a good recovery. This time its different. The doctors said there is nothing more they can do after a bone marrow test. All we can do is make her comfortable and give her medication/aide so she isn't in pain. There is no timetable, but I from what I've gathered there isn't much time.

I'm grateful for everything my mom has done for me. Since she always battled depression and worried about me I could not tell her too much so I didn't have a very open relationship with her. The truth is I wasn't always happy and went through some rough times so faking being happy to make her feel better was very difficult. I regret it and it is tearing away at me. I'm glad you could have such good relationship with your mom. Its something I will always be jealous of when I see or hear things like that, but I just can't turn back the clock. My girlfriend is supportive with me, but I feel as though I need to talk to someone who actually fully understands and is dealing with something similar.

I love my mom and I wish I could do more. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever dealt with as well. If I can help you in anyway please let me know. I can relate more than anyone right now.

Jared

[trendycheetah3]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your kind responses, it is good to know I am not alone in my despair.

I found out today that my Mom has been put on oxygen and that the cancer in her lungs is now cutting off oxygen to her brain making her confused and hard to understand. She is no longer the bright and quick witted woman I've known all my life. Cancer has now stolen that away from her as well. She is still beautiful though, and always will be in my eyes.

I was told that this process is happening very fast and that the status quo from now on will be visits to the hospital for this that or the other thing. We (My mom, my stepdad, my husband and myself) are going to an Eagles concert in Toronto on Wednesday this week, and it will be the last trip I ever take with my Mom. I'm almost afraid to go because I'm scared of how hurtful it's going to be to see her in this state. My heart feels like it's been ripped to shreds. Every day is a day where I wake up and go about my business until one thing or the other reminds me that this is indeed my life, and that this is really happening. It all feels so surreal.

I always felt so lucky in a way, that my Mom was so young when she had me because I thought I'd have more time. She's only 43. It's been less than a year since the initial diagnosis, I thought I'd have more time to say goodbye.

Anyways, Jared, I am so sorry you are going through this as well. We, as children, sort of assume that our parents will always be around and that we'll have the time we need to let them know they are loved. I knew my Mom would die someday, I just didn't figure it would be so soon. I gather you didn't either. Despite your mother's depression and anxiety (both of which my Mom suffered from as well) you are a human, and so, in trying to keep your Mom from worrying about you, you worried about how she would feel if you told her about your rough spots, and kept yourself slightly closed off. That's okay. You have done nothing wrong. You have simply taken into account your Mom's personality and loved her enough to worry about how she might feel if you told her about hard things (please correct me if I'm mistaken). Any parent worries about their children, being a parent with anxiety and depression can't be easier. I just hope you know that regardless of the details of your personal life, she knows that you love her. Parents don't need to know everything about our lives and will still know we love them. Just as we don't know everything about our parents and we love them. The bond between parent and child (for the most part) means unconditional love -- love with no conditions, simply just loving each other.

It hurts me that other people have felt, and are feeling as much pain as I am, maybe for different reasons but still... and yet this is life isn't it? Life is about growing, learning, loving, losing, laughing and crying. Either way it's still hard not to feel like life isn't fair. This wasn't supposed to be my life... The invincibility principle "that will never happen to me" and yet here we are.

[JRiff]

Eagles concert sounds good. Everyone involved will enjoy that. If I were you I'd try not to think of it as a last trip. More of a celebration of time well spent together. Cancer has robbed us all of a lot. I don't expect the pain to ever go away...just diminish in time. About being too young, I have serious problems dealing with that. Working in my profession, I see plenty of horrible people living in their late 70's through 80's. I have to ask myself, "Why these people, and not my mom?" The good ones never seem to have a fair shot. My mom was just short of retirement age after working for a company for almost 40 years. It kills me that she won't get to enjoy retired life and have a pension when she was so close. Even now she talks about how nice it is to not have to go to work.

I also get harsh reminders of my situation. The moment first thing in the morning when I orient myself and I realize where I am, my body feels less tense and dulled until I remember how truly sad I am. Then it hits me all over again.

"Parents don't need to know everything about our lives and will still know we love them. Just as we don't know everything about our parents and we love them. The bond between parent and child (for the most part) means unconditional love -- love with no conditions, simply just loving each other."--------- That was just about the perfect thing to say and I really appreciate hearing that. I couldn't tell my mom bad news, but it also got to the point where it was hard for me to tell her almost any news at all regarding my relationship with my girlfriend or anything in my personal life. The more I told, the more questions I'd get that I didn't want to answer for some reason. She did say that she was afraid to ask me certain things. Part of that is me not wanting to open up and I do blame myself for it. She loves hearing my work stories so I always kept them coming. She was always a great caring person, but she was also very pessimistic, and I don't blame her after a lot of heart break she's had. Hindsight is 20/20 and my relationship with her could have been better, but I'm trying to to beat myself up over it now.

You are not alone. We are all struggling with you. Every day is not an easy task.

Jared

[trendycheetah3]

So the Eagles trip is cancelled, she is no longer well enough to go. It's all downhill from here. I am headed home this afternoon and will be staying there for the forseeable future.

This sucks.

The pictures below are Mom and I at my wedding six months ago. She cut her hair short because that was her way of saying f*** you cancer, you don't decide when I lose my hair, I do. The other picture is a couple years old but you can see her beautiful hair. She is my favourite person in the world.

[JRiff]

Thanks for sharing that picture of you and your mom. No doubt she was thrilled to be able to see you get married. Like I said, you are not alone. Having a pastor and social workers in my home instead of nurses is the most discouraging thing for me to see. My mom is slowly losing her vision and I know its only getting worse. I am truly sorry you are feeling the same pain as me. Watching the decline is the most horrifying thing I've dealt with. Obviously I know how you feel.

[trendycheetah3]

Thank you Jared, I know I'm not alone. I'm at home now and will be spending as much time as possible with her. According to my step Dad, she ate the most she's eaten in a week this evening while I was there, so I feel I should be there more often. She also got on the couch with me and held me for a bit, which made me feel better but also vulnerable and small.

Jared, being there for the decline is both horrifying and a privilege in a sense. It's very hard to watch the women we love become a shadow of themselves and it's going to be hard to remember them this way, but at the same time we get to share in their last moments and make sure there are no things left unsaid. As i said above, my Mom snuggled me this evening, which is a beautiful memory to carry with me after this is over. She also specifically told me she was glad i was there and exhibited a little more life while i was there. Find things in this to be grateful about, as hard as it may be

[trendycheetah3]

Oh and continuing on the privilege part, we also get time to say goodbye unlike those who lose their loved ones suddenly. It's not much, and doesn't offer compensation for feelings of loss and bereavement, but it's one small thing to be grateful for

[JRiff]

I agree with you. We get caught up on all the negatives, but there are some small things to feel good about. I'll give a brief overview of something. My mom was always one to make my problems hers. Even being sick she still worried about me all the time. I understand thats what moms do. I could never welcome her worrying as I was growing up because I did not want to add anymore stress in her life. I work one law enforcement job part time and just got hired by our hometown local police borough. Very small town. However, my paperwork regarding my vision has been held up and sent back and forth between physicians and the state for 4 months now so I haven't been able to work officially in uniform and my training is being done though paid ride alongs basically. As it seemed like my mom was actually feeling a little better and had a bit of an appetite (I suspect her marijuana pills have been working), I put on my uniform and gun belt and told her my paperwork was finally accepted. I knew it would make her day. And it certainly did...she was thrilled. The image of me doing well and ready for the world is all she ever wanted. Especially, solving a problem that has stressed me out for a long time. Of course, I didn't actually go to work because my paperwork has not gone through yet. Even though I think it will in a week or so, I had to strike while the iron was hot while I still had a chance. I did feel guilty about lying, but what difference does it make? I got a smile out of her she is in a more content state now.

Sometimes we have to sacrifice something for the ones we love. I like to think the more we sacrifice, the more meaningful are actions are. In this case, I'd rather feel a bit guilty doing this than having my mom thinking it would always be an unresolved problem for me.

I feel as though if you always will love somebody, you do not need closure with them. Yes, saying goodbye is important and we all do that in different ways, but closure means something needs to be resolved to move on. We don't have to move on completely. We can keep our loved ones with us and there is no shame about holding onto grief as long as we can make room for other things in life.

[trendycheetah3]

Hi Jared,

I think you did the exact right thing. Making your Mom happy in a way makes you happy because she perks up a bit, especially if you eliminate worries for her!

It has been a rough couple days on my end. I had a terrible day wednesday, my Mom was just, out of control with confusion and saying hurtful things to my step dad, and made him cry. He's been such a blessing through all this, so it hurt me badly to see him hurting over something that wasn't his fault, and wasn't my Mom's fault either because she didn't know or understand what she was doing. She was so mad and hurt over what she thought was a betrayal, it was awful to see her so confused and broken. My brother and I also spent some time together and he was terribly hurt that day too, so I tried to comfort him as best I could. After that we got home and found that my mother in law was angry over something that had happened before we headed to my Moms. Now my mother-in-law is no longer speaking to me. She got angry with my husband and I over something small and petty (this is a habit with her) and said some pretty awful things to me in the midst of her arguing, even regarding my situation with my Mom (which is so insensitive I could hardly contain myself). My husband tried to tell her to stop and that she was going to regret what she was saying, and I was very astoundingly calm with her but she kept right on yelling and having a melt down. So now she's mad at me, and won't speak to me, and I won't talk to her and say sorry for something that isn't my fault, (i have in the past and I'm just teaching her that it's okay for her to speak to me the way she does). So my safe place/crash place is no longer a safe place. The worst of it is, my mother-in-law and I had just spoken a couple times and I had told her a couple things, like "this situation is going to make us all have sharp edges, so please try not to take anything personally" She said she totally understood, but I should have known better because she's always been paranoid and overly sensitive. She imagines slights all the time, and is constantly asking people what's wrong and why are they mad at her, even if we've done nothing to indicate anger. She had also told me that this whole thing with my Mom affects her because I'm her daughter in law, and she worries about me, as well as worrying about her son who is affected by this. Well forget that. While she was ranting at me, she told me that "not everything is about me" and that she "can't shrivel up in a corner just because your Mom is dying" which is an obvious and also ridiculous statement, but apparently she needed it to be said. So as I said before, she is no longer speaking to me.

This whole situation makes me feel that much more vulnerable because A: I really just want to talk to my Mom about it all, and I can't. B: This is what I have to depend on when my Mom dies... a mother-in-law who is completely unreliable to be supportive, as well as someone who can't give space unless she's mad at you. This is the alternate mother figure that I have to look to after. Someone who gets angry at the drop of a hat and will ignore you, or yell over you when you mention something that she did instead of having an adult conversation.

Anyways, things have gotten slightly better. Mom sleeps alot, but she's mostly lucid when she is awake. There haven't been any other meltdowns yet. It is horrifying to watch my Mom become a shadow of the strong, hysterical, sharp witted mother she has always been. It breaks my heart to see her looking so fragile. But I'm also grateful that I get to be here and share in the small lucid moments she does have. She held me for a little while the other night, and she often reaches out to hold my hand or tell me she loves me, which is all I can ask for. At the end of the day on wednesday after everything had happened, she called me herself and left me a completely understandable message asking me if I would come back. So I did, and the change in her was just overwhelming.

I'll finish up by saying that it's nice to have a break from work for a while. I work for a family with a special needs young man. My employers are a husband and wife, and currently, the husband is also dying from cancer. I have been working for these people for over 4 years so when he started to die, it affected me. He's been my joking buddy for a long while. So it started to get to the point where I was going to work and dealing with someone dying from cancer, and then going home and dealing with my Mom dying from cancer. So the break from work is nice, albeit I feel a little guilty I had to leave them during their own difficult time, but my Mom is my priority and thankfully they understand.

[trendycheetah3]

Hi Jared,

I think you did the exact right thing. Making your Mom happy in a way makes you happy because she perks up a bit, especially if you eliminate worries for her!

It has been a rough couple days on my end. I had a terrible day wednesday, my Mom was just, out of control with confusion and saying hurtful things to my step dad, and made him cry. He's been such a blessing through all this, so it hurt me badly to see him hurting over something that wasn't his fault, and wasn't my Mom's fault either because she didn't know or understand what she was doing. She was so mad and hurt over what she thought was a betrayal, it was awful to see her so confused and broken. My brother and I also spent some time together and he was terribly hurt that day too, so I tried to comfort him as best I could. After that we got home and found that my mother in law was angry over something that had happened before we headed to my Moms. Now my mother-in-law is no longer speaking to me. She got angry with my husband and I over something small and petty (this is a habit with her) and said some pretty awful things to me in the midst of her arguing, even regarding my situation with my Mom (which is so insensitive I could hardly contain myself). My husband tried to tell her to stop and that she was going to regret what she was saying, and I was very astoundingly calm with her but she kept right on yelling and having a melt down. So now she's mad at me, and won't speak to me, and I won't talk to her and say sorry for something that isn't my fault, (i have in the past and I'm just teaching her that it's okay for her to speak to me the way she does). So my safe place/crash place is no longer a safe place. The worst of it is, my mother-in-law and I had just spoken a couple times and I had told her a couple things, like "this situation is going to make us all have sharp edges, so please try not to take anything personally" She said she totally understood, but I should have known better because she's always been paranoid and overly sensitive. She imagines slights all the time, and is constantly asking people what's wrong and why are they mad at her, even if we've done nothing to indicate anger. She had also told me that this whole thing with my Mom affects her because I'm her daughter in law, and she worries about me, as well as worrying about her son who is affected by this. Well forget that. While she was ranting at me, she told me that "not everything is about me" and that she "can't shrivel up in a corner just because your Mom is dying" which is an obvious and also ridiculous statement, but apparently she needed it to be said. So as I said before, she is no longer speaking to me.

This whole situation makes me feel that much more vulnerable because A: I really just want to talk to my Mom about it all, and I can't. B: This is what I have to depend on when my Mom dies... a mother-in-law who is completely unreliable to be supportive, as well as someone who can't give space unless she's mad at you. This is the alternate mother figure that I have to look to after. Someone who gets angry at the drop of a hat and will ignore you, or yell over you when you mention something that she did instead of having an adult conversation.

Anyways, things have gotten slightly better. Mom sleeps alot, but she's mostly lucid when she is awake. There haven't been any other meltdowns yet. It is horrifying to watch my Mom become a shadow of the strong, hysterical, sharp witted mother she has always been. It breaks my heart to see her looking so fragile. But I'm also grateful that I get to be here and share in the small lucid moments she does have. She held me for a little while the other night, and she often reaches out to hold my hand or tell me she loves me, which is all I can ask for. At the end of the day on wednesday after everything had happened, she called me herself and left me a completely understandable message asking me if I would come back. So I did, and the change in her was just overwhelming.

I'll finish up by saying that it's nice to have a break from work for a while. I work for a family with a special needs young man. My employers are a husband and wife, and currently, the husband is also dying from cancer. I have been working for these people for over 4 years so when he started to die, it affected me. He's been my joking buddy for a long while. So it started to get to the point where I was going to work and dealing with someone dying from cancer, and then going home and dealing with my Mom dying from cancer. So the break from work is nice, albeit I feel a little guilty I had to leave them during their own difficult time, but my Mom is my priority and thankfully they understand.

[JRiff]

This does put strain on all relationships. It does sound like your mother in law is out of line to say that to you. I'm sure the last thing on your mind you want to worry about is how she feels about you. Nobody has the right to say that to you to make you feel worse than you already do. If she is not going to support you, then it is better if you are not on talking terms. There is no need for more negative energy on your end.

It's not the same thing I have with my girlfriend, but it is causing problems. She hates seeing me in all the pain I'm in and feels the need to do more. Obviously there's nothing she can do that will make me feel any better and she cries more than me. She's been helpful, but I can't always talk to her about it. When I'm with her sometimes I just want to escape from it all and try to be happy temporarily. She just feels like there's an elephant in the room with us though. Anybody that can't deal with this and feels weird talking to me I'd rather not talk to. She understands it, but the last thing I want to worry about is how she feels. I've done a good job on letting her in and telling her things I wouldn't tell anyone else and there's not much more I can do for her. This is why I want to talk to someone like you who is neutral and is dealing with the same thing as me. Its an impossible situation and I understand that, but I can only talk to her so much about it. I dont want sympathy or to be treated differently. Our situation sucks and theres no denying that, but sometimes our inner circle isn't the best source of help.

Trendy, I fully know what you mean when you say how horrifying it is to watch your mother become so fragile. My mom needs to be guided with both hands every time she gets up to use the bathroom. Other than that she stays in bed and sleeps all the time. Its very very painful for me to watch, especially when I think about all the long walks up rocky trails we use to go on with our dogs.

I hate not being able to fix things. I even went shopping for super foods that may buy my mom a little more time (pomegranates, grapes, and mushrooms) I figure one good thing I can do is help someone like you out who is experiencing the exact same thing as me. If I can do anything at all for you, please send me a message or email me. I will get back to you asap. I know now how important it is to talk to someone neutral where you will be fully understood and not judged.

Jared

[trendycheetah3]

Jared, you can call me Ashlee

I totally understand where you're coming from with the girlfriend thing. My husband has not experienced much loss and so has no idea what to say to me. He also cares for my Mom, so really he has his own stuff going on which makes it hard to focus on other people for all of us. I think we need to be patient with the people we love who are trying to help but also let them know that sometimes we just need space and to find things to make us smile rather than talk about our mothers dying all the time. It's enough right now that I see death and loved ones dying EVERYWHERE. Every tv show I watch, every conversation I hear, every song I love has some kind of emotional trigger and so, sometimes it feels good to just "forget(? maybe not the best word)" Talking about this ALL the time doesn't help at all. Let her know that you're talking to people on here, like I told my husband. Also be sure to let her know that that doesn't mean you won't refer back to her at all, but that it... helps isn't a great word either... but that it helps to talk to people in similar situations. She just wants you to know she's there for you, and sometimes that means overreaching because to them, you must be hurting all the time, and they want to check in on that.

It sounds as though our mothers would have enjoyed each others company. My Mom also needs help to walk because he balance is off and even short trips to the bathroom are enough to make her short of breath. Which is hard because like your mother, my Mom has three dogs and we regularly took them outside for walks and to the beach to play.

Your Mom may not do this, but you can initiate it maybe if you feel she's having a good enough day. My Mom called me into her room the other night and asked how I was doing, then proceeded to have a nice chat with me. The chat was heart breaking, but a thing to be grateful for. She said that she wasn't sure if there were things she was supposed to be saying to me, or telling me. I told her that the advice that I had been given by a cousin who'd experienced what I am experiencing, was not to leave anything left unsaid and apologize now for anything we felt should be apologized for. I told her that I was thankful that I felt like there were no apologies needed, that I know she loves me and she knows I love her. I also told her that, while our childhood was not perfect, I don't regret any of the decisions she'd made because they have all made me who I am today, and I think that's someone we can be proud of. She told me how happy she was that I was here, and I said that it's a little selfish and a little for her benefit. Of course I want to be here. I said that I love the look on her face when I walk through the door or when I tell her I love her and give her "smooches". Those things are worth it. She said she can't ever describe or tell me how much she loves me which just about broke me. it's a beautiful thing to say but it's so hard to hear for so many bitter sweet reasons. She also told me she feels like she will die any day now. I'm not sure how to deal with that, my Mom has always been very in tune when something is wrong with her body, so it feels wrong to deny it. But she also seems much better than when I first got here, so it's hard to say. Surprisingly my employer has been the best support through this because she's going through it with her husband. She texts me regularly to ask if things are okay and let me know that things are okay on her end.

So, getting back on track, maybe you should sit down with your Mom and ask her if there's anything she would like to say to you, advice she'd like to pass on, or just clear the air. Or you could sit her down and tell her that you don't want her to die not knowing that you love her so so much, even though you haven't always been open with her, and that you needed her to know that because you couldn't bear wondering if she'd ever thought otherwise. It would ease your mind maybe to talk about it to her, and not feel so much guilt if you say it out loud. Secret guilt is very hard to get over and takes a long time to work through because there is no closure on the other end of it. You can't even say those things to that person face to face after they die. That's just my experience with my Uncle's grief over his father speaking though, so don't take my word for it, I am no expert. I am a social worker and I have a degree in social welfare with a minor in psychology, so I know something about stages of grief and how certain mind sets can work, but I'm too close to this to say anything that may not be biased.

Oh and one more thing on the girlfriend front. As I said before, try to be patient with her, she will be your biggest support. Some of the best relationships are forged in fire I think, so this could make you as a couple stronger if you let it. She loves you which means she hurts for you and the pain you're in. Silly as it sounds, try to be understanding of her own grief in this. It's not so much a loss for herself, but the loss she see's taking place in you, and we all lose something of ourselves when this kind of thing happens.

Lastly, I've been sharing photos of my Mom on facebook recently, which has been a bit of a comfort for me. I'm sharing little bits and pieces of the life we've all lived together, and bits of who she has been through the years. It's kind of nice to see the feedback I'm getting. Lots of people are getting insight into her, "oh my god, I didn't even know that about her...". It's lovely because they get to see and love things about her that I do. It's also brought me closer to some people.

Anyways I'm done rambling

[GabbyLewi]

Sorry too hear about your loss, I am 27 years old and lost my 52 year old dad 3 months ago from heart failure suddenly at his home. Things have gotten easier now the initial shock has subsided but I think the loss of such a close relative will take many years too feel relatively normal again.Thinking of you and your family xx

[trendycheetah3]

I'm very sorry to hear that Gabby, I know for my situation, my Mom is not gone yet, it's just a matter of waiting it out, but I'm getting a great deal of last moments to share. I'm very sorry that you didn't get that opportunity. I do believe you're right, the loss of my mother (who is also my best friend) as well as the loss of your father, will take a great deal of time to work through, and I'm not really sure for myself, that I'll ever get over it. I'll more than likely miss her for the rest of my life. I hope that you are managing to get through the days at an even pace. Take it day by day.