Need help/advice

[Trace]

Hello everyone. I've been reading this forum for quite some time and just decided to register. I hope I'm posting in the right place, if not let me know.

This isn't about me losing a child, rather that my mom has lost a child. I don't know how to help her. It's been a few months and she doesn't seem to be any closer to accepting that my brother is gone. He was an adult - 40 and it was sudden and unexpected health related. It was a shock to us all. Everyone tells me to just be there for my mom and help her through this but she's pushing everyone away. When I can actually talk to her, she's very angry - I mean really angry. She hates everyone and everything. She has basically stopped living for the rest of us and her grandkids. I've tried to be strong and help her and the rest of the family but the anger and hate is tearing me up inside. I am grieving too, I lost a brother. I understand my pain is nothing compared to hers, it is a pain I pray I never have to endure. She now hates his fiancee and everyone that was actively in his life that wasn't blood family. They couldn't have prevented what happened to him so I don't understand that part. She's closing down to everyone, even blood family who is trying to support her. She sits at home, rarely leaving. She won't get out to even come to any of our homes. If we go to hers, she's so negative and says the most awful things about people. I want to help her, I honestly do but I also can't have all of the hate and anger in my life. That's just not me or how I am. I've asked her to go to a doctor like a psychiatrist and talk to someone, even said I'd go with if she wanted but she will not. She says no one can help her. She has always had depression type issues, thinking the entire world is against her. Even before this she's been the type of person that is "poor pityful me, my life is so horrible, nothing ever goes my way" and now that's all just been multiplied.

Please, anyone, can you tell me what to do? Will I ever see my mom happy again, ever? Will I ever see her smile when she sees her grandkids? Everyone so far just says "be there for her"... that doesn't tell me HOW to do that when she's pushing us all away. I'm so heart broken. Trying to deal with my own loss and take care of her, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I don't know where to go or what to do.

Thank you for any advice and for taking the time to read. God Bless you all for what you are going through to lead you to this forum.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Trace,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Brother and I commend you for wanting to be there for and help your mom. This is such a hard and painful loss. I don't have a lot of advice. I just lost my Daughter, Trista, a little over four months ago. I would suggest reading and/or posting in the Loss of an Adult Child thread. There are many parents there and you may at least get some insight into the pain your Mother is dealing with. Anger is a huge part of the grieving process and completely natural. I would also suggest the thread titled Grief Healing started by Jesse David's Mom (Laurie). She is a seeker for us all and shares what she finds on this journey. She has a post on there about "Companioning the Bereaved" that I found extremely insightful and you may find helpful too. My thoughts and prayers are with your family during this painful time.

Shannon

[shorty16]

Trace

A few months is but a blink of any eye when it comes to this grief. This is a long process. At this early stage, just listening and not expecting alot from your Mom may be the way to go.

My 16 year old son, Brian died in a car crash on 6-19-2008. It took me very long to even accept the fact that he was not coming home. Much more than just a couple months.

The death of a child (at any age) is the death of our future as we know it. Everything has changed for us. We no longer recognize the world we are in.

To say this process is slow, is an understatement. It has been over 5 years for us and not an hour goes by that I do not think of Brian. In the beginning every thought hurt. Both good and bad. But with work, I began to be happy for the happy memories we had with Brian. I had to give myself permission to be happy again. This too takes a long time.

My prayers are with your family.

Be kind to each other.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Mommysangelisabella]

What to say.... How to start...... First and formost i am very sorry for the loss of your brother. It is amazing what your doing for your mom. My lil sis lost her daughter in 2008 and her son in 2010. She hasnt been the same . Shes always angry and has also pushed us away , she is also bipolar and refusing help. I am sad to say i joined this group a few weeks ago after my angel was born into heaven. The pain that is felt is like no other and i wish it on no one. Your mom maybe feeling the same. Just dnt give up on her. Tx her just to say i love you alot ask how she is . If your close by bring her dinner but dnt expect to stay always. She may just need sometime to hurt to mourn your brother. We all mourn diffrent and at diffrent speeds. Mine is 100% diffrent than even my lil sis. We still invite her to everything i still tx her all the time but ive had to myself come to the realization and peace that this is who she has to be right now. It hurts at times but we love them enough just to except them as is. But dnt forget in being there for your mom to not take care of you. Ive heard this over and over agen self care first ( i may not fallow it but i suggest it to those who can). Just love your mom , pray if you do. Ill do so for you and your mom as i do for my lil sis. Im here if you need