I'd like the pain to go away, but how can it?

[obakesan]

Its been a little over a year. She left to go on a trip home to visit family and died two days after arrival. Seems that she had a brain tumor which no one knew about.

She was my guiding star, and while I was older than her there was no gap between us.

I know that the pain comes from her absence, and as far as I can feel, it can only go away when I stop loving her. Since I am unwilling to do that the pain will probably always be there.

Humans have an ability to live with pain, I have quite some experience with it myself from the physical world. I have seen also in others (friends who have died of cancer) that we can learn to tolerate the pain.

Somehow what hurts me more is the religious ... those who tell me of the loving god. I won't go on about their double think or their hypocrisy.

I don't know what to say here, as the intensity and the sadness which I have found here is too much for me to engage with. While I like to help people I am too weak to really offer anything.

All that I can offer here is to say to those who grieve that it seems the best path to look it in the face and to do it unflinchingly. To try to find beauty in the love you had and to try your best to know the love you had as well as you can.

People tell me to "let go" and to "move on" but I would no sooner do that in life than now. The love we had was special to us (to me), just as the love you had was special to you. Know that love. Even in its passing reflect on the gift that you got from it. For you are better now than you were before you knew your love.

There is pain to be sure, pain like that of a severed limb. Pain that can be felt in the missing part although it is not there.

I am sure that this is hard for many people. But there is no timetable for this. If you are unable to face now, then no matter. Face it tomorrow.

After the all powerful and all loving god saw fit to kill her suddenly in "his" wonderful loving compassion (or actually probably God is totally unlike we imagine and has nothing to do with any of this or anything else in our lives), I felt nothing more than to die too. That perhaps that would bring us together again. And I still can not easily bear to be apart. But I discovered a thought that stays my hand. It is this: the longer that I live with her love in my heart, the longer that our love continues. the longer it continues, the stronger that it becomes. Perhaps that strength can do something.

So I write, I write so that I can clarify my thoughts, I write so that I can remember with clarity. The writing is slow and many tears flow (which slows the writing). It has not stopped the pain, but it has made it easier to say the things I need to say, to feel the things I need to feel.

To those of us here in this place, I wish you peace.

[widower2]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I think in writing this, you have already contributed something. Nobody here claims to be able to heal our wounds, but in sharing it can at times be helpful, if nothing else to know someone else "gets it," basically.

I won't comment about God/etc as religion is one of those very personal things and it's therefore easy for people to get their hackles up about it. I will say it's easy to understand (to me at least) questioning and/or being angry at God.

As for dumb things people say, I think you'll find many of us here are painfully well acquainted with that aspect...

As for the pain and your original question, I agree it will probably always be there...but I think over time it can become something much more manageable and less domineering in our lives. More of a dull ache, so to speak, vs that searing anguish (for lack of better analogies offhand).

Glad you found this place and hope you are able to get something out of it in some way or other.

[LizzyW]

Obakesan- beautiful writing style that you have. Eventhough it is about pain, the words are soothing. Glad you shared it with us. Yes, the pain is horrible, but I find that it becomes less intense, and the fond memories creep in slowly, to replace the stark reality of our loss. I am one to try and just face it too. Sometimes, I find myself trying to avoid facing it, and fill the void with something else, but it's always there just the same. I hope you will post here more often. This site has really helped me cope with losing my husband.

[obakesan]

Glad you found this place and hope you are able to get something out of it in some way or other.

thanks ... :-)

one other thing I have found is to not try to hold back tears. I know that many males seem to do this. I often can't allow myself to do it when in public, so I simply have to be at home. Often while I want to be with friends I end up choosing being alone as there I know I can cry as I need.

[obakesan]

This site has really helped me cope with losing my husband.

thanks for your kind words Lizzy ... perhaps as I progress a place such as this will help. Perhaps it will allow me to say things that my friends are sick of hearing of. I know they (the few that I have that I call good friends) are patient and kind but everyone has limits.

I also took to writing on my blog about these things (you can find it from my profile). It was initially about technical rubbish such as photography, but I have added the things relating to grief under their own tag ... anyway, that is what linked to in my profile here. I expect that much of it is of use only to me, but there are things there which perhaps may allow others to see something which I saw and helped me.

You seem to be very strong looking at how recently you lost your husband. My most sincere wishes for you to find peace.