Members obakesan Posted October 17, 2013 Members Report Share Posted October 17, 2013 Its been a little over a year. She left to go on a trip home to visit family and died two days after arrival. Seems that she had a brain tumor which no one knew about.She was my guiding star, and while I was older than her there was no gap between us.I know that the pain comes from her absence, and as far as I can feel, it can only go away when I stop loving her. Since I am unwilling to do that the pain will probably always be there.Humans have an ability to live with pain, I have quite some experience with it myself from the physical world. I have seen also in others (friends who have died of cancer) that we can learn to tolerate the pain.Somehow what hurts me more is the religious ... those who tell me of the loving god. I won't go on about their double think or their hypocrisy.I don't know what to say here, as the intensity and the sadness which I have found here is too much for me to engage with. While I like to help people I am too weak to really offer anything.All that I can offer here is to say to those who grieve that it seems the best path to look it in the face and to do it unflinchingly. To try to find beauty in the love you had and to try your best to know the love you had as well as you can.People tell me to "let go" and to "move on" but I would no sooner do that in life than now. The love we had was special to us (to me), just as the love you had was special to you. Know that love. Even in its passing reflect on the gift that you got from it. For you are better now than you were before you knew your love.There is pain to be sure, pain like that of a severed limb. Pain that can be felt in the missing part although it is not there.I am sure that this is hard for many people. But there is no timetable for this. If you are unable to face now, then no matter. Face it tomorrow.After the all powerful and all loving god saw fit to kill her suddenly in "his" wonderful loving compassion (or actually probably God is totally unlike we imagine and has nothing to do with any of this or anything else in our lives), I felt nothing more than to die too. That perhaps that would bring us together again. And I still can not easily bear to be apart. But I discovered a thought that stays my hand. It is this: the longer that I live with her love in my heart, the longer that our love continues. the longer it continues, the stronger that it becomes. Perhaps that strength can do something.So I write, I write so that I can clarify my thoughts, I write so that I can remember with clarity. The writing is slow and many tears flow (which slows the writing). It has not stopped the pain, but it has made it easier to say the things I need to say, to feel the things I need to feel.To those of us here in this place, I wish you peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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