why do people say the things they do

[needy]

The kids and I drove 7 hours to celebrate my father's 80th birthday and Thanksgiving. First time since 1993 all my family was in the same town. Weekend went well. On Sunday we were all saying goodbye and my step-thing called me over. She apologized for them not coming to the funeral. Before we went I thought if she did this to me I would take a strip off her, but it didn't happen. I just started to cry. I knew I had to get away from her and calm down, driving and crying isn't the greatest. Not sure what she was thinking about bring up such a touchy subject right before us leaving.

Monday we went over to my sister in laws for another Thanksgiving meal. Right before eating my sister-in-law says she wants to make a toast, "to John who couldn't be here". Great timing lady!! I think she saw the shocked look on the kids and my face and she left and started to cry. She calmed down and sat down, then out of the blue she says "how can you move on so quickly after my brother's death". My jaw dropped. My SIL father in law was there and said "that is enough". And then she was gone for rest of the meal.

Now I am having those wacky feelings again. I feel depressed, anger and guilt. Why don't people think before opening their mouths?

[andysgirl]

Oh needy I'm so sorry to hear about your weekend. I don't know why people are such jerks and why they choose the most inappropriate times to bring up such subjects! Maybe your step thing was honestly trying to apologize - but I know how hard those "apologies/olive branches" are to hear & accept, especially when it feels like too little too late.

As for his sister, don't get me started on how awful they can be! How dare she. I can maybe understand wanting to acknowledge his absence but there had to have been a more tactful way to do so. And as for her "how can you move on question" that's total crap! I'd be so tempted to email her putting her in her place. I didn't have that courage but maybe you do. Or maybe it's just not worth it. She is grieving too but she has no right to judge you/your kids or make you feel like that during a family meal. I mean how could she even think that? People are a-holes.

I hope you are feeling better this morning, deep breaths.

Hugs to you.

[andysgirl]

Oh needy I'm so sorry to hear about your weekend. I don't know why people are such jerks and why they choose the most inappropriate times to bring up such subjects! Maybe your step thing was honestly trying to apologize - but I know how hard those "apologies/olive branches" are to hear & accept, especially when it feels like too little too late.

As for his sister, don't get me started on how awful they can be! How dare she. I can maybe understand wanting to acknowledge his absence but there had to have been a more tactful way to do so. And as for her "how can you move on question" that's total crap! I'd be so tempted to email her putting her in her place. I didn't have that courage but maybe you do. Or maybe it's just not worth it. She is grieving too but she has no right to judge you/your kids or make you feel like that during a family meal. I mean how could she even think that? People are a-holes.

I hope you are feeling better this morning, deep breaths.

Hugs to you.

[andysgirl]

Whoops double post

[widower2]

The kids and I drove 7 hours to celebrate my father's 80th birthday and Thanksgiving. First time since 1993 all my family was in the same town. Weekend went well. On Sunday we were all saying goodbye and my step-thing called me over. She apologized for them not coming to the funeral. Before we went I thought if she did this to me I would take a strip off her, but it didn't happen. I just started to cry. I knew I had to get away from her and calm down, driving and crying isn't the greatest. Not sure what she was thinking about bring up such a touchy subject right before us leaving.

Monday we went over to my sister in laws for another Thanksgiving meal. Right before eating my sister-in-law says she wants to make a toast, "to John who couldn't be here". Great timing lady!! I think she saw the shocked look on the kids and my face and she left and started to cry. She calmed down and sat down, then out of the blue she says "how can you move on so quickly after my brother's death". My jaw dropped. My SIL father in law was there and said "that is enough". And then she was gone for rest of the meal.

Now I am having those wacky feelings again. I feel depressed, anger and guilt. Why don't people think before opening their mouths?

So sorry to hear this. The first 2 might be chalked up to ignorance and meaning well (repeat might, can't say), but the last one was just hurtful and asinine, totally inexcusable - everyone there should be very PO'd at her. Hopefully you can better deal with that "wave" of feelings than in earlier times and always keep in mind that's on her, not you.

[catz]

oh god needy, that sucks. Who knows why people say the stupid things they do? i surely dont understand it myself. I know its not easy but try not to let it get to you hon. Youve come a long way......dont let some stupid comment drag you down.

[needy]

I am glad my kids didn't hear her comment. My SIL works at the same place I do. She was trying to find me yesterday, she has a bad habit of coming to see me at work and make me upset. I certainly wasn't in the mood for that, I just kept myself unavailable to her.

She can have a horrible temper and it was one reason why my husband really didn't like her. First time I have encountered her temper. .

Really not sure where her comment came from? "Moving on", hmm I just was proud that I was starting to feel normal.

Thanks everyone for hearing my vent.

[redfish99999]

In the last two weeks, I've has a call that compared my wife's death to her divorce....Also, to the death of a dam dog.... After thinking about it, I think those people want someone to grieve with..... I keep say to myself 'You really should not hang up the phone on the people:'

[HeyJude]

I've had someone tell me that my husband's death was like her divorce. Really??? How many times did she pick up the phone and call her ex-husband??? I would give my left....to do that!!! But never compared to a dog...that is downright nasty!! I would have hung up!!

[needy]

Last week I went to a bereavement meeting that was holding a work shop on anger. In my group I had four seniors that lost their spouses, a lady who lost son committed suicide and a person that lost their dog. I am a avid pet lover and committed 23 years of my life to veterinary medicine and losing a pet isn't the same.

Divorce is the same as death? Really? I was divorced once, sure didn't feel anything like this.

[widower2]

Divorce is the same as death? Really?

No, not really. Or a dog, for Godssake. I love my dog and will be devastated when he's gone but it's not the same as losing a spouse, child etc.

[andysgirl]

You’re right in that a divorce or the loss of a pet is not comparable; but I think there is still grief that goes along with it. Just different than ours. My dad was trying to equate my loss with his divorce and I told him it’s not the same, and I got angry with him for even saying something like that. He understood, but at the same time I never thought about the loss he would have felt when my parent’s marriage fell apart. And having lost many animals I can say that yes, while it’s certainly not the same as what this hell is like, it is still very difficult emotionally IMO. I went into a very bad place when I lost my dogs, again not the same as this but I was in a dark, dark place. Oddly enough my friend just lost her 14 year old dog and she also lost her dad a few years ago and we got together last week. I felt comfort in talking to her about all the sadness we were both feeling, even she said it’s not the same, but sometimes just being able to share and receive empathy can be healing. That being said I don’t think I’d feel the same if she, or a divorcee were in my support group, it seems like a mismatch given that the death of a partner or a child is so specific - I totally understand where that frustration would come from. I wish you were closer to the GTA where there are so many spousal/partner support groups available.

[obakesan]

Needy

Why don't people think before opening their mouths?

well my view is that people often do this, its just that mostly it doesn't cause such pain as an outcome. You know, the old saying:

I try to remember that they don't know how it feels, I don't wish upon them knowing how it feels, they have my best interests at heart.

Doesn't stop it hurting though.

I have read and been told by people who have gone through this before me that its a roller coaster ride. There are ups and downs. So the ups are brief (and perhaps not even up to 'ordinary') and the slides down are hard on the nerves.

I can only say what you probably already know: just keep taking small steps.

Best wishes

[obakesan]

Hi

And having lost many animals I can say that yes, while it’s certainly not the same

the only thing I can say here is 1) some people are intensely lonely and isolated. In such situations the attachment and love they feel for their pet is the only attachment and love they have had. Hearing this makes me feel sorry for them, for the love I had with my wife was far greater and deeper than that. 2) There have been people I wanted to smack in the mouth, but never have I wanted to wish upon anyone the great sadness that I feel. A smack in the mouth recovers sooner and hurts less. I don't have that much hate in me to wish this upon anyone.