Lost my dad a year ago and husband diagnosed with Parkinsons, & losing job

[Peggyjo]

I think I've been in a bubble these past 12 months as I was so busy taking care of his affairs while continuing to work. Now, since obligations have eased, I feel so unmotivated to do much and I feel like I am already dead myself. All I think about is all of the other people in my life and I wonder when they will die. I just don't see the purpose in doing those things that I used to enjoy. I go through the motions just the same.

I feel like I've aged ten to fifteen years in the past year. I feel sluggish. I have moments where I do force myself to do things but it is much harder. I have periods of insomnia like I never have before or I sleep a great deal and still don't feel rested.

I don't look at my dad's picture because if I think about the reality of him being gone I will just freak out. I have a closet full of his stuff that I haven't dealt with and don't know how to organize it in my place. I remember his voice and that makes me feel comforted.

No sooner did my dad die last Oct. 2012 but my husband was diagnosed (after a long series of doctors and tests) with Parkinson's. Our lives have really changed since then as I have taken on more of the driving and carrying things as his balance and reflexes have been affected. It is hard to go places because his walking is compromised. Where before we would go skiing or take a day to go to an attraction, now we stay around home more as taking a day trip seems so arduous.

My job also is winding down and I've had to say goodbye to so many colleagues and clients in the past year that I feel like I lost my day to day 2nd family at work. I was at that job 13 years.

I just can't believe what a terrible year it's been. Although I still have some supports in place and parts of my routine are the same, I feel like I am watching my life drop away and I wonder if I will ever have any semblance of a normal routine again where I feel connected to others. I always feel like when I see people, I am half alive and not really present.

I lost it the other day when my husband accidentally ran the car into our bikes in the garage (and demolished the frames). I just felt like giving up my bike was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I know intellectually that this is a transition and that I will rebound in time but all I can think about is all the awful things I will face in the future not the fun things. We did go to Cancun for first time and that was great---beautiful blue water.

[ModKonnie]

Peggyjo, You are right that transitions are such difficult times, but that's where we find growth and opportunity, too. This is where positive self talk and a positive attitude will help, even though that may seem so difficult to do. You will rebound. The day we buried my father, my husband and I decided to end our 25-year relationship, and I didn't have a job, but I had four children to support because our company collapsed from the economic downturn, and my husband's contracts ended. It was a horrible, horrible situation but I can tell you that four years later--I have a fantastic job (although I started at rock bottom), I went back to school and completed my Master's Degree, my husband and I have decided we did have some things in common and needed to try again, and he has rebuilt the company business. Was it difficult--Oh my gosh yes. Did I want to give up--yes! Did I cry buckets and buckets and buckets--yes! Do we still struggle--absolutely. But, you will be okay. Your message ended on such a good note-you went to Cancun for the first time! Sounds dreamy. We will be here for you. --ModKonnie

[Peggyjo]

Peggyjo, You are right that transitions are such difficult times, but that's where we find growth and opportunity, too. This is where positive self talk and a positive attitude will help, even though that may seem so difficult to do. You will rebound. The day we buried my father, my husband and I decided to end our 25-year relationship, and I didn't have a job, but I had four children to support because our company collapsed from the economic downturn, and my husband's contracts ended. It was a horrible, horrible situation but I can tell you that four years later--I have a fantastic job (although I started at rock bottom), I went back to school and completed my Master's Degree, my husband and I have decided we did have some things in common and needed to try again, and he has rebuilt the company business. Was it difficult--Oh my gosh yes. Did I want to give up--yes! Did I cry buckets and buckets and buckets--yes! Do we still struggle--absolutely. But, you will be okay. Your message ended on such a good note-you went to Cancun for the first time! Sounds dreamy. We will be here for you. --ModKonnie

Thanks ModKonnie for the support. I do need to hear that things will get better in time. It sounds like you really climbed out of a hole and did what you had to do for yourself and your family. You are strong and I suppose I will be stronger once I get through this grief and rearrange my life. Thanks, Peggyjo