Lost my Dad to Surgical Complications for Pancreatic Cancer

[Jordanly]

Three weeks ago my stepfather (Dad) went in for a Whipple Procedure to remove a tumor on his pancreas. While the surgery went as well as it could have, his body could not handle the trauma of the surgery. It began with the swelling of his intestines which caused him to have trouble breathing and maintaining his heart rate and blood pressure. He was given a breathing tube and connected to a ventilator, but the swelling had also caused compartmental syndrome and the doctors fought to stabilize his BP. The next day his kidneys and liver began to fail due to lack of blood flow, followed by a portion of his colon dying, then the entire colon and then his small intestines. He was connected to 12 IVs receiving blood and blood products as well as vasocontrictors to help keep his BP up and CRT (continuous renal treatment) to try to filter the waste from his blood that his kidneys couldn't. He had so many fluids being pumped into him that he was swollen and had blisters all over his body as well as a large, open incision to help relieve the pressure from his swollen intestines. My family and I knew his wish was that if life support measures were not able to keep him alive to heal he did not want to continue them, and on September 7th, after much discussion and tears we said our final goodbyes and he was taken off of the life support.

I still cannot get the gasping sound he made after they removed the breathing tube, nor the wail my mother let out when he finally passed moments later. While we acted in accordance to his personal wishes, and it was possibly the ultimate act of love to let him go and end his suffering, it began mine. I feel completely adrift in my emotions. Some days I can get through my classes at university and know that I am doing the things he wanted to see me do in life, and other days, such as at a wedding I recently attended (particularly during the father/bride dance), I am overwhelmed with missing him and the knowledge that he won't be there to walk me down the aisle at my own wedding, nor dance with me, nor sing together in the car. While he was technically my stepfather, he did more to raise me and be a role model for me than my biological father and even at 31, all I want is the one thing none of us can have, my Dad. To sing off-key with the wrong lyrics, to yell at the tv during football season, to offer his gentle advice and ridiculous sense of humor, to tell me that I am his daughter and that he loves me. I simply do not know what to do with myself other than to let myself cry when I need to and try to live in a way that is not only right for me, but would make him proud of me.

[ModKonnie]

^{Jordanly, I am very sorry about the loss of your father. You are doing the right thing by crying when you need to and living your life the way you know you should. Losing a parent is so traumatic; it takes a long time for the memory of those last horrible moments to fade, but they will. You will be able to remember the happier moments again and even smile and possibly laugh. For now, do what you are doing. We will be here for you--ModKonnie}