Advice Needed Please

[Jeff's Mom]

I normally post on the Loss of Adult Child site. However, I am in need of some advice. Some of you may be aware that my husband is suffering from colon cancer and undergoing chemo. Lately I am finding myself withdrawing completely. In truth...I am avoiding a lot of things. Mostly people. I try to keep as busy as I can around my home and yard. I love to garden and working in my yard gives me a sense of peace. Lately I am finding that people are walking up to me that normally never really have shown interest and ask me the most personal questions. It infuriates me. Case in point...yesterday I managed to clean out two garden sheds that I had been meaning to organize for a year now. It felt good to get out and accomplish the deed. I threw a ton of stuff into the garbage at the side of our property and today I found out it sent a wave of gossip around that I am getting ready to move. This afternoon as I was very contentedly I might add working in my front yard I looked up to see a woman that has not bothered with me for three years since my son died standing staring at me. She walked over and told me her feet hurt and could she sit down for a few minutes on our deck. I knew something was up but I sat with her for a little bit until she came out with it. Were we thinking of selling? She had heard of his brush with a bad chemo treatment a couple of weeks ago. She then turned to me as she left and told me she did not know how I could sleep at night with all that I had to worry about. I crashed. I was having a decent afternoon until then. How did you handle people that made you feel worse then you already are? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks. Kate

[widower2]

Kate,

I'm sorry you have do deal with such insensitive jerks. I'm not sure it would be right for anyone to "advise" you, I can only tell you that I have little patience with such people and have a habit (good or bad depends on your point of view) of being - well not nasty exactly but rather blunt, even at times repaying their insensitivity with a little of their own medicine (as it's been my experience that taking the high road rarely gets through, but a taste of their own medicine sometimes does). There are various things I might have said to her (like "that's really none of your business" or "why yes! We're probably selling to my sister-in-law, who has 8 bratty screaming kids and never does any yard work, so the place will look like hell before long - oh she's such a busybody too, walking over and sitting on people's desks and asking them personal questions which are none of their business") - but that might not be right for you. Perhaps if she or someone pulls another stunt like that you could simply say "I don't care to talk about it, good day" and walk way if it appears they aren't going to let it go. Or type up a letter and mail it to everyone telling them whatever you are comfortable telling them, even if it's just to say hey someone asked if I was selling, and you are/aren't or that you consider that a personal matter and don't care to discuss your situation so don't ask, that kind of thing. Again whatever works for you.

Best of luck with that but most of all of course to your husband. Take care!

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Widower. I appreciate it! This has not been the first time that this has happened. Just a different person. I love your sense of humour. I think I may put up a sign on the nearest tree by the street stating that we are staying. In truth, my nerves are a wreck and I am just holding up... but barely. I am really worried for him and this added nonsense does not help. They are watching us like hawks waiting to swoop down. I have spent many years working on my gardens and keeping the place looking nice. We find out the results of the chemo on Friday. He had a CT scan last week. They cancelled his chemo after the allergic reaction. Say a prayer everyone please.

[widower2]

Best wishes and prayers for you both. Try not to pay any mind or thought to the yahoos - hopefully there are some nice people around too (if your luck is like mine, they unfortunately live farther down the street!).

[Sammijo2424]

Everyone around here expects me to move to be closer to my children, but this is my home, the home my husband and I built, we were here every day when it was being built 15 years ago. I have done some work around here and have had neighbors ask if I was getting it ready to sell....well, no I am just updating it. I can't advise because I never know what to say. My brother even told me I need to either move closer to brothers and sisters or move closer to my kids. My brothers and sisters are only 45 mins away and two kids are two hours away, one is in California and not moving there. I am Texan thru and thru.

Hugs to you

[catz]

just put up a sign saying "no vultures" and if anyone comes out with something like that just refer 'em to the sign!!

seriously, i cant believe how insensitive some people can be....myself, id do the sign but if you dont want to do that simply say "i dont wish to discuss that, thank you, goodbye"

All the best to you and your husband on this hard path you have to tread

[Silvergirl61]

I like that no nonsense approach to problems..it has been very effective in some of the late situations.

Hope your husband is doing better, and wishing you both the best.

I don't know what's wrong with some people...maybe they just never learned any manners or tact...and in that case maybe they will only understand the same language. Looking them straight in the eye and asking them "what on earth makes you think it's your business?" is probably a good response!

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you so much for your responses. I really appreciate it. Yesterday was a hard day all around. This has been a very difficult few years since our son died. I felt that in some way we would be given a break from the stress. Life throws us punches and we have to deal with it. His cancer diagnosis came out of the blue. He went for a routine and his first colonoscopy last winter. Thank heaven he did. It followed with major surgery and what was to be six months of chemo. They had to stop the chemo abruptly due to a severe allergic reaction. So right now we are sitting in limbo waiting to see what they will do now. He is really fighting this with all he has. However his mom died from this two years ago. It was confirmed by the genetics team that it came from his mother. Thanks to everyone for your support and prayers. I will be so happy to finally have the info about how the chemo is working. Thinking of you all. Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks to everyone for their support. Kate

[needy]

I know the feeling, withdrawing from people. Sometimes we need it to collect our thoughts but then for some reason it is hard to get out there again. I think you ran into your local gossiper, have to say in my opinion the woman doesn't have any class at all. Wishes you all the best.