Some thoughts on "getting over it" (this is not a sunny post, you should skip reading it!)...)

[Silvergirl61]

No, I am not "over it". So it's been a year or two or five. Who appointed you as the timekeeper of grief, anyway?.

It's not your heart that's hurting, so how would you know how it feels?

Oh, really? That's just special..thank you for your trite observation on how he's "in a better place now". Can I get directions , please? Maybe it would be better than sitting here listening to this, anyway.

Sure, I know you're right. I'll make a deal with you, ok? I'll "get Over" losing him..just as soon as he gets over being dead, ok? How about that?

These are some of the thoughts that run around inside my poor tired aching head..just screaming to get out...and now they did.

I'm also tired of the dumb posts from my family members.."I'm here for you whenever you need me" ...then why the hell do you never answer your phone? Why are you always too busy to stop by. "You are always welcome here"..is great...shall I stop by the third day after I sprout wings, and learn to fly?

No they don't get it. Yes, they do look at you differently. They avoid you, because the thought crosses their mind..'it could be me". I hate "being strong" I hate that " he'd want for me to be happy."

I know it's been over a year. I know that I can't keep crying forever. No- I don't need to find "someone else" That would be like wine after whiskey, wouldn't it? Besides.. I'm old, I'm tired, I'm not a great risk..and i have nothing to offer to anyone in my present mood..not even a smile..and these moods are a permanent fixture in my life now. There can't be someone better out there, and i don't know that i am not so small hearted that i wouldn't compare...and by some word or deed..make another person feel like they are second best..and nobody deserves that. I don't care what my age is or how i look..in my heart, i feel older than the sands of time.

All I really have need of is a friend or two to talk to, and a way to not be stuck here in this travesty of a life, with no way to even get out to have a cup of coffee with friends now and then. I am mean tempered today and for the last few days. I am grouchy and tired ..and I cry all the time, if I let myself think at all. Or even if i try not to think...I'm sick of these useless tears..and these black days that show up and won't go away, until they are ready. I whine, I act like a spoiled and lonely child..and I don't even like being around me...because every little tiny thing that goes wrong sends me off into a teary wasteland. I haven't even inflicted my dull and boring presence on the chatroom lately..because I have nothing good to say.

I look at his pictures..and I hurt. I put them all in a box so i can't look at them, and I feel guilty and i feel like i can't breathe without seeing them.. I can't stand to be in this house any more..I was happy here once. I go to places I loved..and now they seem to be just out of reach..behind a filter..darkened somehow.

I am such a big whiny baby, and I want to slap the hell out of myself, and tell me to get up and change things. Keep trying, don't just give up,,there is an answer out there somewhere!....and then it just seems too hard, too late..and too useless...and i sit here..and stare at the screen...and wish I had something to say...that would cheer me up. Something that wouldn't bring anyone down. But ,oh.. I am so, so tired and weary tonight. I just want to go to sleep- but my brain just won't stop dragging me around into the dark and lonely places.

Do I feel better now? Maybe, for a minute.

If you have felt like any of this- you know now for sure..you aren't alone. The dues at this club are too damned high to be borne..and there aren't any members who want to be here. Time has nothing to do with it..and it isn't on our side..because it just won't go backwards. People may mean to be supportive..but sometimes the words open a wound that just bleeds for days....and aches...and it feels fresh..and just as raw as the first day...and in many ways even worse. But it will pass, and I will find my balance again for a little while....and in the morning it may all be fine, and i"ll feel stronger than tonight. If morning comes again. And if not.. I guess I'll know whether there's anything else but this..won't i?

[junglee queen]

Its good to know that somebody feels the same .

[catz]

oh hon (((HUGS)))

Oh and dont ever feel that you have to be or DO anything to come into the chat btw. Youre with friends and we dont care if youre in a foul temper. We all know what its like and wed rather you were with us than stewing alone any time and im pretty sure i speak for everyone there. And trust me, your words have helped many of us many times.....sometimes YOU have to be the one who accepts help, however little actual aid we can offer......we have ears to listen, or maybe that should be eyes to read, and hearts to feel and fingers to type even if its just to say, yeah i know, youre not alone there. Tomorrow is another day....and yes, all we can hope for is that the wheel swings around in our favour and we find that balance again. Its not a lot to hope for but its what we have......get some sleep.

[The drummer's wife]

I am new to this level of grief and new to this site. Your post is the first post I have read here...Hugs and hugs....we will never be the same, ever and that anyone should think that we would is infuriating, unjust and reason enough to explode. A year is merely a human invention to measure time...time is an abstract concept when connected to grief...and anger is a release and something we can sink our teeth into...anger feels, when most feelings feel numb. Nothing wrong with being pissed...we have every right to feel what we feel. Peace and love on your journey.

[widower2]

SG thanks for this. For saying what I'm sure more than a few of us have felt and not being afraid to say it. I speak only for me but I'm sure there are others who would agree it helps to be reminded we aren't the only ones. The up at silly late hours because going to bed and having our minds race is about the last thing we want, the anger, the feelings of hopelessness, the guilt about whatever (for me only about 1000 diff things), how hard it is to find places to go or things to do that can bring us relief from it all (including things we used to really like), the unbelievable patience of not whacking the #### out of people who say well-meaning but usually really stupid things, and so on. For me it esp helps to hear it from someone who's farther down the road, since I am as well (PS that said, I say to you and everyone: "your mileage may vary" so don't pls don't despair that you'll be where I am in the same timeframe).

I wish I had some brilliant insight that would turn you around, but I'm one of the last probably who should give advice. I will echo catz and say pls know you are of course always welcome to the chat room. Keep in mind the nature of this site. This isn't "onlinedating.com" or similar silliness, and nobody is expecting you to be Johnny Carson. If you need to talk, feel free - if you'd rather just sit back and listen to us babble away, you can do that too (though that might cause you to want to leave because of us, not you ).

Hang on. I know it may cause you to roll your eyes or shake your head in disgust, but though I've had my doubts plenty of times, I do think it's worth slugging away at this damned situation and it is possible to reach a bearable/worthwhile state of mind. ie to live again.

[mgilbertson]

Dear SG, I've heard that for many widows the second year is more painful than the first, especially for sudden loss. When I read your post it was like reading my own thoughts. This club we belong to sucks!! We are not alone. Even though I don't expect to ever get over it, but as W2 said, I do hope it will become more bearable and easier days come along more frequently. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping we all have easier days. ~ Marti

[Silvergirl61]

I should know that you'd all feel that way. I usually feel that way, too..but i really was too Black tongued and black hearted to attempt it. I would hate to say or do anything to make this harder by being self involved and too blind to know I was being a total emotional drag-down. It's easier today to be a bit more level headed about things..and i came here intending to take this down...but now i don't think i will...maybe we can just turn this into our "howl in frustration post". Please feel free to post whatever you all want to on it..especially if you're at the level of frustration i was at when i put it up..I really do think it helped to just let the inner child throw it's fit.

And i hate being reffered to as "the widow lady"...surviving spouse seems better for some reason. Like the "D" word...gone is easier to bear..amazing how silly I can be about simple words these days- because nothing about any of this is simple.

[widower2]

Nor is anything about this silly. You go with what works.

[needy]

I like surviving spouse better as well. Do you think a change in seasons triggers a relapse in grief?

[Silvergirl61]

In my own mind, I have come to this stunningly simplistic conclusion. It's not the change of seasons that triggers these episodes..it's the fact that they mark the passing of time in such a way that they make me notice he's missing all of this..or maybe just that i am missing him see all of this. I think somewhere inside my unconscious mind..something said "it's fall and he loved this time of year as much as you do..and he's not here!" Just another one of those subtle traps along the way, that it seems inevitable that i will fall into, no matter how much i want to deny the possibility.For some people I'm sure it's different. To me the change of seasons is much like any other holiday...another millstone of a milestone.

[MissingDaniel]

SG - glad you didn't take it down. I am sorry to know that you were feeling this bad, but I think you did the best thing you could by letting it out. Like most everyone here, I certainly saw myself and my own feelings in much of what you wrote. I think in some way just reading it expressed in print felt a little cathartic to me as well, so I'm glad it was still there to see. I haven't been here much in the last week since I have been out of town for my son's military graduation. But I am now back to the "real world," having said goodbye to him and my other 2 college-age kids. It was hard. Seeing him in his uniform, seeing the seriousness of his commitment to this new role he has taken on, the respect other people now give him, that was really moving for me, but that voice in my head kept reminding me that "he's missing this." I know he would have been so proud of my son, too. The longing that I felt for him to be there too was so strong! I so enjoyed being around all of the kids, but once again, that sadness of all the things my husband was missing just clung to me. And like you, I find myself marking the passage of time with tears and sadness. It seems that every important event, or significant change, just reminds me that he's not here to see or experience these things anymore.

I wish for you better days (for all of us!!), though in reality I know it will probably continue to be a roller coaster of good and bad. Hugs to you!

[catz]

k, i was going to post something but i wont now....dont want to upset anyone

[HeyJude]

k, i was going to post something but i wont now....dont want to upset anyone

Catz....spill it!!!! You sure wouldn't upset me.

[Silvergirl61]

Catz.. you post whatever you want to.. this is a good place for it..it has warnings and everything!

Hope you are ok, and we miss you!

[Silvergirl61]

Today has been one of those introspective days, that seem to have somehow become part of my existence. I went yesterday, and spent some time with the new grandson, along with the adult daughter who lives with me. We had quite a bit of time to talk..and she made it very clear, that she's against my current idea of returning to the city where i was born to live, and has informed me, that altough i am an adult and can choose to do whatever I want..she won't be joining me there, because it's not a safe place to live, and the isolation i have here will be even worse there.., etc. She even made me understand, that she's frustrated and frightened..she says she's afraid to go , because i get too sad, if i am alone too long..and she's afraid that i won't be here when she comes back, because she's afraid i may get so despondent I decide I'm not afraid to die, but am much more afraid to live. She's angry at Dennis for dying so young and leaving us. She was just getting to where she really loved him, and now..he's gone..just gone..not here, not anywhere. She says take it from her there isn't any light at the end of the tunnel nonsense..when she coded..there was nothing...no light, no people waiting for her..just silence. She told me that when she decided to die.. it was because she couldn't stand all the pain around her anymore..and wanted nothing but peace, and silence in her head.

I wished so much he was here to talk to today. Am I making a mistake to want to leave here? I don't think so. It could be she's right ..and that death is simply the end..and there's nothing else. All of the signs i have looked for all of the hopes that i'll see him again..all the thoughts of this can't be all there is..may very well be empty and meaningless..just a sign of the desperation in my heart..to not lose all of the love, and all of the light we had together. Does it really matter..if i am deluding myself, as long as it gets me through another day? What good would it do me, to be angry that he died...I know very well, that he had chosen to live..and that he would have not left me, if he had any choice...but there was no coming back from the edge this time...I couldn't get his heart to beat..couldn't get him to breath again in time, and by the time someone could get his heart to restart...he was already beyond science's ability to restore to the life he had had...no hope at all remained.

I'm so tired of being reminded that I am close to the edge of complete disaster..and being reminded of all the things I can no longer afford to do..or places i can no longer get to, or the fact that i don't have a car..why do these people insist they are trying to help me see reality? Reality is so cold and bleak and terrible. Death may actually be all there is, and it may be inevitable..but do I need to spend all my time dreading it and fearing it? How will that make my life more fulfilling and meaningful, really? Why must i be like everyone else around me to find a place where I belong? How can it possibly hurt someone else's life, if i choose to believe in fairies or hobgoblins, or gods and goddesses..or just one all powerful force...is it so threatening that someone should have the right to call me crazy or damn to an eternal flame for not being just like them?

How can i possibly be more isolated than here...when the only people who ever talk to me are people who constantly seem to feel it's ok to criticize my every move..yet can't lift a finger to help with the least of the things i can't figure out how to fix..or even bother to call me on the phone to chat for a minute or two...unless they decide to call to ask me to do something for them first..or tell me what someone else said about me..or call to tell me all about the problems they are having, then proceed to tell me how i should change to be better myself. I miss my Dennis, who never thought i was stupid or weird..who didn't tell me that I couldn't do something, but encouraged me to try...and always was ready to help me figure out a better plan..or help find ways to patch up any flaws..and who didn't think I was crazy..just respected me and my beliefs or my thoughts enough to listen and to share his own thoughts..and to love the me that is..without trying to make me into someone he dreamed of but couldn't see. Maybe I'm just lonely and afraid and rambling..and i don't even know who I am anymore. He could always find me..no matter how badly i was lost. With him gone..this place suffocates me with the memories of what I had...and can never find again...and they just don't understand that either....they tell me I am young enough to start again..and I can find someone else...which may be true....but so is the fact that he's not out there to find. And I don't feel particularly like I have much to offer anyone else.Today i am old, i am broken, and i just don't have the steel to fight anymore..so I walked in here and am ignoring the tv watchers in the other room for awhile..and letting all the disjointed and rambling thoughts drip onto the page. Thanks for listening to it..even if it's not making any sense

[widower2]

Sorry you're having such a rough go SG. A few thoughts for whatever they are/aren't worth:

She says take it from her there isn't any light at the end of the tunnel nonsense..when she coded..there was nothing...no light, no people waiting for her..just silence.

Take it from ME....NOBODY, including you, me, and her or anyone else on this Earth....KNOWS what is or isn't beyond this existence, and for anyone to act otherwise is IMO foolish, to put it kindly. Just because she didn't experience some cliched "light in the tunnel" thing doesn't mean it isn't there. Guess all I'm saying is decide for yourself and frankly I think it was thoughtless of her to try and push her beliefs on you or act like she has all the answers.

Am I making a mistake to want to leave here?

If by "leave here" you mean move, no idea. If you mean die, I can understand thinking about it at times, because in our jumbled minds we equate "leaving" to "no more pain." But even if I bypass going on about how strongly against that you know he would be, yes I think it would be a horrible mistake to give up, no matter how tempting it might be. You don't know what might yet be out there to be worth living for, for one, ie are just looking at how it is now. It wont always be so. Further, think how hard that would be on people that care about you - maybe even the idiots who can't be bothered to act like it.

I'm so tired of being reminded that I am close to the edge of complete disaster..and being reminded of all the things I can no longer afford to do..or places i can no longer get to, or the fact that i don't have a car..why do these people insist they are trying to help me see reality?

I think/hope they mean well, but I'd say because they're utterly ignorant and aren't thinking before they speak.

Death may actually be all there is, and it may be inevitable..but do I need to spend all my time dreading it and fearing it? How will that make my life more fulfilling and meaningful, really?

No you don't, and no it won't. But I don't think embracing it will make your life more fulfilling either. And this gets back to what I said above - these early times are horrible, but that doesn't mean it'll go on forever, and you still have a lot of life - ie life worth living - that is worth aiming for.

is it so threatening that someone should have the right to call me crazy or damn to an eternal flame for not being just like them?

I assume you know the answer to that and this was rhetorical.....

How can i possibly be more isolated than here...when the only people who ever talk to me are people who constantly seem to feel it's ok to criticize my every move..yet can't lift a finger to help with the least of the things i can't figure out how to fix..or even bother to call me on the phone to chat for a minute or two...unless they decide to call to ask me to do something for them first..or tell me what someone else said about me..or call to tell me all about the problems they are having, then proceed to tell me how i should change to be better myself.

Wow. I'm sorry. Given that, maybe a fresh start elsewhere might be worth seriously considering, whether it's in the city you mentioned or maybe elsewhere.

Maybe I'm just lonely and afraid and rambling..and i don't even know who I am anymore.

Only about 1000% understandable, and you have plenty of company here.

they tell me I am young enough to start again..and I can find someone else

arghhh! That line never came that way, but I swear if I even hear of someone else getting that drivel spewed at them one more time I'm going to start asking for names and addresses and go on a national "knock on the door and smack the fool" campaign. What an ignorant, thoughtless thing to say.

...which may be true....but so is the fact that he's not out there to find. And I don't feel particularly like I have much to offer anyone else.Today i am old, i am broken, and i just don't have the steel to fight anymore..

Granted I don't know you really well, but even I can see that you have a lot to offer. But you sure as hell don't have to offer it right now. Give yourself the time you need.

Hold on SG. You can weather this.

[Silvergirl61]

Thanks, W2..and yeah.. I meant moving away from this town, and trying to find some place where i can not be smacked in the face constantly with the memories of all the days we spent together here, and how lonely and empty this place feels to me now.

Maybe I am a naive fool to belive in another chance, but i do..and i don't think it's stupid , if it gives me peace

[catz]

SG i dont think youre being naive at all. If you think that moving will help, and you can manage it, then by all means do it. This has kinda hit a tender spot for me. Late last nite my "best" friend called me........she was working at a thing that she volunteers at, and just comes out with "i just wanted to say sorry for pulling away from you and thinking you should be over Alex by now (its only been just over 6 months ffs!!)"

Well, cant say it came as much of s surprise to me thats how she felt.....i thought as much the last time i saw her, and the never being avaliable for a chat kinda sealed the deal to me, and i said as much......and i get "oh i gotta go now....sorry"

i mean WTF??? really?

I have to say that im bloody angry...angry that she thought that......angry that she didnt just come out and say it before now.....and REALLY angry at the way she told me cos it had more to do with soothing HER guilt than helping me.........im sure she deliberately called at work so she wouldnt have to talk to me properly cos shed be called away, but she could feel better in herself for being "honest"

Why do people have to make this harder than it has to be?

[obakesan]

SilverGirl

having recently watched "its not about the nail" I will resist answering questions.

My only current insight is that people want to be 'well again' as a generalisation. Our friends see we are distressed and because it did not touch them as it did us can't comprehend it. Hell I'm not sure *I* comprehend it and I'm in the middle of it.

I also discuss (elsewhere) the problems of health I'm having with others who have similar problems. Many there seem to want to turn back time and be 'cured' and have life go on unchanged. Almost like that scene from the Matrix where Cypher is trying to get back into the matrix, forget everything harsh he's learned and be someone important ... like an Actor

I feel that I am like an old family friend who I knew as a child. He had lost his leg and would tell me he felt pain in parts of it. I was confused as a kid because "his leg wasn't there". I now understand "phantom pains" and liken the pains from her absence to that. I still love her, its just that she's not here.

I have suffered similarly from relatives who "are always there for me" but never seem to call.

This morning I wrote to myself: While drowning its bloody difficult to remain calm. As noone in society has taught me (us?) how to swim this particular sea of torment I am expected by those still in the boat to struggle in an appropriate manner. Few in the boat seem to want to help, some can't swim either (and understandably fear being dragged down too) while others simply move to the other side where they can't see me.

I don't see the point of skipping dark posts, I'm not afraid of them.

best wishes

[Silvergirl61]

Want us to be well again, huh? i can grasp that thought...but I also know there is no going back to the way it was. I may 'learn to walk' again as though no part is missing..but no matter how well I manage to be able to move from point a to point b...the missing part is always going to be gone.

I actually had a rather deep conversation with some family members today. I frighten them now, is what it boils down to. They tell me they can always see the pain in my eyes, and can tell the second that he crosses my mind. They tell me that when I suddenly stop in the middle of a crowded place and look around me..it breaks their heart to think that it's him I am looking for. My sisters tell me, that sometimes when I have gone shopping with them..they have watched me stop and look at something, and smile..then freeze for a second and close my eyes, shake my head and walk away..and they don't know what to do. One of them even said "if it was me.. I couldn't imagine how it would feel, and the thought terrifies me. I wake up in the night in a panic..and look to make sure he's still there now." It makes them feel guilty, that they still have the people they love...and I am alone.

I guess Dennis and I were an inspiration to several members of the family. They saw the way we got along, how we treated each other, watched the easy way we worked together, and rejoiced that I was so happy, finally. They thought we were a fairy tale come true..and a story of how true love wins all in the end. Now they see that even fairy tales have a dark side, I guess. Maybe I have been too wrapped up in my own pain, to realize how much they all miss him , too. My younger sister was holding a picture of my Dennis, with her three day old son in his hands...sobbing like her heart would break, because our grandson will never see the love on his face, the way that Seth always did. She was crying 'it just isn't fair, it isn't fair."

It's not. He was too young, he shouldn't have died..but it has already happened, and there's no going back. I wish it could be, but wishes won't make it so...any more than wishing I could stop hurting makes it happen .

Most of all, they are afraid they will lose me, too. They have been afraid that I will simply decide I can't face life without him, or that all the pain will finally be so much that my heart will just stop struggling and quietly stop, too. I can only reassure them, that I have no intention of ending my own life, by a deliberate act. As for the rest.. I don't know if you can die from a broken heart. I think it would have already happened , if it could have..but that's rather up to fate, I suppose.

They are afraid I will become bitter and withdrawn, that I will give up on life..and hide away waiting to die. Worse, it terrifies them that I don't seem to worry any more , like I used to, and that i haven't got a list of things to do..and no plans for my future, no ideas for what i want to accomplish...no more ambition to drive me. That one, I can't answer for them..truth is..I don't really care about much these days, like I used to. I tend to avoid conflict. I don't obsess about being perfect. I don't constantly caution myself about tomorrow or next month or next week. I don't save for a trip, or plan for surprises..or write down goals in my planner. If I agree to things too far in advance.. I often opt out at the last minute. I'm indecisive..and that scares them, too. It's not like me to be flighty, or unreliable. I think they are seriously concerned that I am suffering from some severe personality disorder- if they haven't outright decided that I am completely crazy. Maybe I am- would I know?

They admit they have deliberately pushed..trying to make me get angry, or tell them to stop..but I just don't seem to have the strength of will to object to things..and they don't like that I react in unexpected ways . My brother asked if i was a pod person who had taken over...which did make me smile, because I hated that movie- it used to scare me silly. I didn't decorate for Halloween. I have no plans for the holidays. ( probably because i just don't have any interest in them) It was pretty much a list of all of the sins I have committed lately as a family leader, in a large part. I was reminded that i have a new grandson..and that the holidays will be important to him..etc. I suppose they will , when he's old enough to know they are holidays...and I have the feeling that I won't have to worry too much about that either..at least he won't be constantly comparing "the before and after".

The family council was enlightening in some ways, in others, it was just tiring. At least they brought cookies..and I didn't have to sit here alone. I may even find out it was helpful, as time goes by.

Hope your all having a good night. Just another note from my weird life...sometimes even I wonder what's wrong with me...

[obakesan]

Want us to be well again, huh?

they would not be our friends if they wanted us otherwise (like wanted us to be suffering).

i can grasp that thought...but I also know there is no going back to the way it was.

I believe that to be true.

Maybe I have been too wrapped up in my own pain, to realize how much they all miss him , too.

I think that its good sign that you're getting to that point.

I don't know if you can die from a broken heart.

there is medical evidence to suggest that it can weaken your physical heart

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takotsubo_cardiomyopathy

so take care in exersize for a while.

they have watched me stop and look at something, and smile..then freeze for a second and close my eyes, shake my head and walk away

perhaps one day you'll just be able to remain at the smile point

I often start being upset later these days.

[HeyJude]

Silver - I don't know how to put this in fancy words. I want to tell you how I keep myself out of the thoughts that you are in. Just a few days after my husband died I heard him, clear as day (course it was in my head) say "nothing has changed Judy. I'm still here". I decided then and there that is what I was going to hold on to. I have gone on living my life exactly the way I was living while he was alive. Cept now I have yard duty...lol!! What I am trying to say hon is that Dennis is with you always. The love and respect that you have for him is the same as if he were still in the physical world. Move forward with that on your mind. I know that my husband is with me. And I know that he is cheering me on and so proud that I really did pay attention when he was teaching me certain things. Make Dennis proud Silver because he is there, right by your side. I know people have expressed differently to you but for me, to believe this is what is keeping me sane.

I have to comment on your daughters death. Nobody decides to die, that isn't our choice to make. She may have coded and was brought back but I doubt very much that she actually "died" which is why she didn't see anything. Her spirit never left her physical body.

Pick what you want to believe as far as death is concerned and then stick with it. I chose to believe in the spirit world and how it interacts with my faith in God and I won't let anyone change my mind.

[catz]

oh Silver.....theres nothing wrong with you that isnt wrong with all of us. And trust me, i KNOW those around us are scared of us....i can see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices.....i still dont think thats any excuse for leaving us to muddle along as best we can alone tho. Fear is never a good reason to do anything. So many of the things in your post hit home, so many are me. I do still often look at things and think "oh i must tell Alex about that" and then remember......ok yeah, it might be hard to see......im willing to bet that its harder to DO tho. I see the reflexive flinch when i talk about Alex with many people.......guess what people? i DONT CARE if it makes you uncomfortable!!!! If i want to talk about him i will.....hes still a part of my reality and always will be. I just wish people would realise that this bereavement process CHANGES you. None of us are the same people we were when our loved ones were still with us in flesh. We've lost more than just a person.......in many cases weve lost someone who gave us a whole new way of looking at the world, who made us feel like we were able to do anything, made us feel like every person should feel, like we're special and important.......and that leaves us crippled in a very real way. And the worst part is, its so hard to articulate that to those around us cos its just so tiring, and we're tired.....and i know in my case i resent having to do it at all. They wouldnt ask someone whod been injured in an accident to be the life and soul of the party yet its ok to want me to be back to "normal" whatever the hell that means. I cant even remember what normal WAS. Yes i know i sound angry....thats because i AM angry. I dont know how much of it is just the natural anger of anyone who feels like their life has been snatched away from them, and how much is just frustration at the fact that "people" just dont GET it, but in either case the fury is real. *sigh* much good as it does me, In the end i guess it all just comes back to enduring this (((HUGS))) to all of us broken people who are just trying to put one foot ahead of the other....may we continue to do so in spite of the "help" of others.

[Silvergirl61]

And this is why we come here..because even the people who are close to us "in real life" whatever that is..cannot understand , cannot reach us, and can't seem to grasp what we feel. We really do frighten them- it's so plain to see. I'm just not the same- and I can't imagine why they would think i could be.

BTW..thanks for your replies. There is a lot in them that I'm thinking about, right now. Not sure why exactly that it's being rougher lately, but I've been having a harder time with it again. At least i know that sooner or later, it will get easier again sometime. I think maybe it has something to do with all the approaching holidays, since I've been doing a lot of work with all that merchandise lately. Time is flying by..and it just doesn't seem to mae much of a difference sometimes. I just know I'm ready for a change, and scared of another one , all at the same time.

[obakesan]

Hi

..because even the people who are close to us "in real life" whatever that is..cannot understand , cannot reach us, and can't seem to grasp what we feel.

personally I feel they aren't afraid of *me* so much as what happened to me. Seeing and talking with me reminds them of that and they fear it happening to them.

It may not seem like a significant difference but then we avoid a head-on collision every day on the road by a few feet and a white line of paint.

[Silvergirl61]

thanks for the insight..it does help to switch the perspective a bit, doesn't it?

[Silvergirl61]

Music to go along with the mood I find myself in tonight. This shouldn't make me think of him.. he was not a Manilow fan. But it does. Just a dreary foggy misty rainy cold night here...they always make me feel sad now. Good time to go curl up and sleep..hope you are all having a peaceful night.

[mgilbertson]

Thanks S.G.- The words in this song pretty much sums it up!! I just wonder if it ever gets better.

Thinking of you ~Marti

[MissingDaniel]

Yep, a pretty fitting song. Always loved it, but hadn't heard it in a long time.

This Halloween season has been weird for me. Don't know if anyone else has had this problem. Having young children, I've been pressed into decorating and celebrating the day. But this year, it has really troubled me how we basically make light of and have fun with things having to do with death and the macabre. Never gave it much thought before, but everything takes on a different connotation when you've dealt with a loss like this. I've struggled with it a bit. I read a post the other day on a friend's blog who lost her husband, and she touched on this as well. I suppose I'll adjust and remember how to not take things too seriously and too literally, but this year it bothers me.

Nonetheless, trick or treating we will go tonight. I'm hitching up with a close friend and her family so it won't feel so lonely without Daddy..... Best to everyone!

[MissingDaniel]

Yep, a pretty fitting song. Always loved it, but hadn't heard it in a long time.

This Halloween season has been weird for me. Don't know if anyone else has had this problem. Having young children, I've been pressed into decorating and celebrating the day. But this year, it has really troubled me how we basically make light of and have fun with things having to do with death and the macabre. Never gave it much thought before, but everything takes on a different connotation when you've dealt with a loss like this. I've struggled with it a bit. I read a post the other day on a friend's blog who lost her husband, and she touched on this as well. I suppose I'll adjust and remember how to not take things too seriously and too literally, but this year it bothers me.

Nonetheless, trick or treating we will go tonight. I'm hitching up with a close friend and her family so it won't feel so lonely without Daddy..... Best to everyone!

[widower2]

Sorry to hear that MD. Last year was one of my "best" Halloweens ever in terms of cute little kids coming to the door Made a rough year a little lighter, if only briefly. Hopefully it will be similar this year but who knows. I definitely overbought on candy though. Oh darn I might have to eat some.

[Silvergirl61]

I guess it depends on how you look at the holiday. It at one time was a harvest celebration. Masks and scary clothing , etc..could be used to frighten away evil and ill fortune in the time of gathering darkness..when autumn begins to turn to winter. In some schools of thought..it is a day to celebrate joyfully , those who have gone before us, and to invite them to join in the celebrations as honored guests, at a party. It is also said in some circles, that this is the time when the barrier between worlds is the thinnest, and that this is the easiest time to make a connection with loved ones on the other side..

Besides all that laughing in the face of something you fear can take away it's awful power to terrorize and frighten- so in that respect- it doesn't seem at all strange. And yes I know.. it's a rather pagan holiday, and like many other old traditions..it's been tarred with a taint of evil. I'm sorry it has, because there are few holidays to match beggar's night..when all the little ones dress up and have fun..running around collecting treats and making me laugh at their antics, and making me wish i was young enough to join them again.

[MissingDaniel]

Thanks for the different perspectives. I don't know all of the historical roots of the holiday, but I know there reasons for most of what people do. Would be an interesting study, I imagine.

As it turned out, we ended up having a very good night. We went to my best friend's house, and she and I passed out candy to the cute little (and not-so-little) ones and drank Sangria, and my girls went trick or treating with her daughter and some other friends. It was a bit of a late night for a school night, but I was happy for the distraction of spending the evening somewhere besides our house and for the good company. Made it through another "first".

[widower2]

Actually Halloween has Christianity to thank as much or more than anything (as "All Hallows Eve," the night before "All Saints Day" on 1 Nov). So see it's actually not "evil" at all. We just evolved it that way and emphasize the "spooky" part because - well I guess because human beings are weird, but really it's a good thing. How can a holiday that emphasizes candy be bad? I had a modest turnout this year but most kids in my neighborhood are small so it's fun to see them all dressed up. And I had to keep telling them to grab a handful or 2 of candy, not just take one. Poor kids - when I did this as a kid, we got full-size candy bars, now it's all this bite-size stuff. I guess it's good they don't know what they're missing