8 months

[andysgirl]

Today marks 8 months since my guy passed. Just so hard to believe most days. I am feeling blue, with the seasons starting to change I’ve had a swell in emotion. I went most of August without crying, September not so much. It was like I was blocked up and now it’s all coming out again. Not abnormal I know but can be overwhelming regardless.

A few weeks ago I was faced with my 1^st major work event for the Film Festival – I was doing ok all morning but when I started driving to work tears started streaming down my face, I didn't even feel it coming on. The thought of being at an event with 2000+ people sent me over the edge. Thank god I had friends to help settle me down before I had to go in. I made it all of 20 minutes before I had to leave. I am still having a hard time being around a lot of people.

The last few days I’ve felt angry, at him. Angry that he left me, angry that he didn’t take better care of himself, angry that I didn’t make him take better care of himself, angry that we were in a long term committed relationship and yet I feel invisible – like the last few years were non-existent because no one from his friends or family have checked in on the grieving girlfriend. I emailed his cousin yesterday to ask how their son was because he had surgery and she wrote back saying “he’s fine” and not even a “how are you doing?”. Angry because I’m self conscious and think maybe there was things he was hiding from me. I don’t think there were but your head tells you funny things when you can’t tell up from down. Angry because I just don’t understand how this is my life.

His birthday is in 2 weeks then it’s the start of the holiday season and then it will be a year. How is it possible? I just want to crawl in a hole and hibernate so that I don’t have to deal with it.

I’m tired. But today is a fairly nice day so I am going to go home, walk the dog and try to think some good thoughts

[needy]

I know this is so hard, especially when it seems like we are doing it all alone. I use to be extremely angry, for so many issues. It took time, and I had to get help with it. I was hit with my youngest son's birthday, husband's birthday, 6 month mark and our anniversary and a bunch of person issues all within a two week span, and it was really rough. I sure wish I could have hibernated through it. This week I was darn determined to have a week with no issues. But of course that hasn't happen but for some reason I am really not letting it affect me. Maybe my skin is thickening. Wow you worked the film festival, that is very exciting. The film festival is in my area, would it be the same films? It sure was a nice day today, sure hope it keeps up. Do you know it snowed in Timmins last Friday. That is just plain wrong.

[andysgirl]

It does feel like we're all alone. I can be in a room full of people, it doesn't matter. I'm getting help for sure, something that is a necessity when faced with this I think. I was reading your post about your sister in law, just horrible. What is wrong with people? For the life of me I'll never understand how people can be so crappy. I work in film/tv so I go as industry and stay away from the public screening chaos I saw a few good things but my heart was not in it this year. It was so strange not sending a text after each movie with a thumbs up or down to him. It's all the little things. I'm in Ontario (TO) so likely the same fest you're talking about. Glad to hear you are feeling like you can keep your head up given your latest turn of events, keep strong. Karma sucks so just remember that. Hugs to you.

[Austykatie]

Hugs to you on this difficult day. Anger is a huge part of my grieving that I am stalled out on, I just can't get past it. My thoughts are with you today, I am also wondering how the holidays will be...Jims birthday is right after Thanksgiving and my daughter is already asking me what we are going to do to "celebrate"..rough times..

[LizzyW]

.The last few days I’ve felt angry, at him. Angry that he left me, angry that he didn’t take better care of himself, angry that I didn’t make him take better care of himself, angry that we were in a long term committed relationship and yet I feel invisible – like the last few years were non-existent because no one from his friends or family have checked in on the grieving girlfriend. I emailed his cousin yesterday to ask how their son was because he had surgery and she wrote back saying “he’s fine” and not even a “how are you doing?”. Angry because I’m self conscious and think maybe there was things he was hiding from me. I don’t think there were but your head tells you funny things when you can’t tell up from down. Angry because I just don’t understand how this is my life.

Believe me when I say that I am still going through some of the anger as well, and I expect that I will for quite some time to come, and I've been pretty emotionally labile lately too. .

[needy]

thisishard, I am up in Northern Ontario so guess it isn't the same film festival. Darn. My brother lives in Mississaga and my niece is a gaffer for some film company in TO. I don't understand my sister in law, it comes from years and years of hate that all started when her parents passed and how the one of the side of the family treated my husband's sisters and brothers. I just wish people could forgive. On that mark, have to say my week of not letting things bother me has come to a head. My stress level is at a new high level, and I don't know what to do. New boss has piled more work on me, more things breaking down at home and my laptop is doing strange things and the list goes on and on. I kind of feel cursed, and yes dam my husband for not sticking to his to do list and go to a cardiologist.

[andysgirl]

thank you everyone. the anger has taken me by surprise, my inability to let things go. Usaully I've (for the most part) always been able to talk it through and then it feels like it's done. But not with this, there is no one here to talk it through with. It's frustrating and exhausting and overwhelming. For some reason the last week has been a swell of emotion, I just feel like I am being clobbered with dates and memories and I don't know if I can find the strength to make it through. I am just dreading the next 4 months unaware of how I am going to cope. I really wish I could just hibernate. take the dog and walk away from it all. with his birthday coming up I've decided to try (one last time) to connect with his parents. I will email them to let them know I am thinking about them and that's it. I've tried so hard to be kind even inlight of how they treated me and I am getting nothing in return. My therapist suggested I just call, but the thought of talking to them on the phone fills me with dread. I know I will get emotional after all this time and I don't think it's fair to saddle them with that so close to his birthday. So an email it is. If I get a response I will go from there. The thought of all this is making me nervous. I am also trying to figure out if I should "celebrate" his birthday in some way. I sent off balloons for our anniversary. I kind of feel like that might be my thing. Light a candle, write him a card. I don't know. It just feels awful.

Needy - film fests are everywhere this time of year so there must be one happening in your neck of the woods. I hope things have turned a better corner with your family - my sister was here for a visit with my mom (about a 3 hour drive away) for a week and they didn't call me once! I called them and they said they'd call again before they left and nothing. But what really hurts is that just because my sister was down my mom didn't even pick up the phone to check in, in over a week. It's hurtful.

I am sorry to hear that you had a stressful week, can you talk to your boss about your limit for taking on work? I know it's a difficult conversation to have but maybe he/she isn't aware of how overloaded your feeling? I don't think people understand the need for "me" time and downtime when you are grieving, it's essential.

I hear you about feeling cursed. And I wish he had seen a doctor like I asked him to