Lost my father 3 days ago

[dlionsfan901]

I've posted on here a few times. My name is Brian and I am 25 years old. My father was battling Stage IV Hodgkin's Lymphoma for 3 and half years. He had to stop doing chemotherapy the last 3 months because of developing necrotizing fasciitis in his left foot requiring surgey that left him with an open wound. He came home July 29th on Hospice. He was doing well up until last week were he became really sick. Tuesday was the last day I had a cohert conversation with him. Wednesday he woke up and could not walk or move. His fever went up to 104 degrees. We had to put him on morphine because of the pain he was in. The next day at 5:30 am I tried to talk to him again but he was not making sense. I kissed him on his head and told him I loved him so much. I went to school and cried the whole way during my drive. I asked God as much I as l love my father that I did not want him to suffer like this and for God to take him ASAP. I kept calling my mom in between breaks to check the status of my father. He was in the same condition the whole day. In my last class I went to I put my phone away to try to concentrate. It was then where my sister was trying to get a hold of me because my father was declining rapidly. She then called the school to pull me out and I rushed home. I was driving at 3:15pm and there usually should have not been no traffic but there was the whole way back. I got home at 4:05 to see my dad passed at 3:30. My heart was and still is broken. I wanted to kiss him and tell him I loved him one more time. These last 3 days have been unreal. I can't believe we buried my father and he's not around anymore. I lost a big part of my life, he was my best friend and hero. I am dreading the thought of going back to school tomorrow but that's what he wanted from me. My heart just does not feel like it's even there anymore. I know he's not suffering anymore but I feel like I am now without him.

[ModKonnie]

^{Dlionsfan, I am so very sorry about the loss of your father. My father passed after a similar experience, and it was just awful. It is going to take some time for you to process and begin to move forward. For now, just try to get through a little at a time. It's okay to cry and grieve. Are you working again? Do you have other family to lean on for support? Are you taking care of yourself? We will be here for you, --ModKonnie}

[Tricia_TD]

Hi Brian,

I lost my Dad five years ago, after illness. Days before he passed away I was able to tell him that I loved him and would miss him, but like you I missed the moment he left us; I was half an hour too late. I, too, would have liked to have been able to tell him that I loved him, one more time, but it wasn't to be. However, I know that Dad knew that I loved him, just as I know that he loved me. And your Dad knows that you loved him.

From what you have said about your Dad, that he was your best friend and hero, there is no doubt that you loved each other. Talk to other people about what you both did together, look through family photographs and remember the happy times. These things do help, and I know that I felt that Dad was there with us, looking over us.

Guys find it difficult to talk about their feelings sometimes, but I urge you to talk, if not with your family, then with teachers, us or even the Samaritans. It really does help. Yes, you will still miss your Dad, but the pain will ease gradually. Give yourself time to grieve and cry, and take as long as you need to to do this, but also start to live your life again; maybe not this week or next week, but soon. These are the things which help us come to terms with our loss.

[dlionsfan901]

I have been keeping myself really busy with law school. I have noticed that in the morning when I commute 45 mins to my school is when I think and get sad. The worst for me is at the end of the night when I'm driving home. I tend to get extremely sad because I know I'm going back home without him being there. I cry in spurts but not as much as I did before. The world does go on no matter how much I miss him. Truthfully that is the hardest thing for me, the fact that I miss him so much already. The other day I played an old voicemail he left me because I wanted to hear his voice so bad again.

[Tricia_TD]

Hi Brian,

It's still very early in your grieving yet, so please don't be so hard on yourself. The tears will come for a good while yet. Have you informed your professors about your loss? They really should know about it, so that they can give you any support that you need.

Can you find something to do on some evenings, so that you know that you're not going to be sitting in, on your own? Going for a walk, joining a book club, asking fellow students to come and study together; these a just a few suggestions to give you an idea.

Take care.