Feeling Lost

[JLenhardt]

I'm not entirely sure what I expect from the forum site, I've never posted in one before but I don't really know who else to turn to. I've never told anyone my story or how I felt and like my title suggests I feel lost...very lost. My 15 years old brother passed away in the very early morning of June 15th 2011, He suffered from a severe asthma attack that sent him into cardiac arrest. It happened so quickly and with everyone around him, everyone except me. At the time I was trying to pull together a marriage that was already too far gone. Honestly I still ask myself why I was even trying, wonder if maybe I could have made a difference. I've been told that a lot of people feel that way, that you shouldn't dwell on the what ifs and the what-could-have-beens....It doesn't really stop though. I remember that morning I woke up with a feeling that something was off, something at the back of my brain. At the time I thought it was just the fact that I had accidentally brought a pair of keys from where I worked home with me, I got up to use the bathroom and I could hear the phone ringing. When I came out of the bathroom my father in law told me that it was my mother and she said my step dad had had a heart attack (my brother and step-father had the same name) so we got in the car and drove to the hospital. We met the ambulance coming in and as we passed I saw my mother and my step-father get out of her vehicle, it was then I realized who was really in the ambulance. I remember trying to console her outside the hospital with my grandmother and step-dad, we could see them through the window of the ambulance trying to get his heart starting again. What I think I remember most though is them opening the ambulance doors and I heard one of them say "Alright, Its good lets get him inside" I was so sure after I heard him say that, that everything was going to be ok. They got him inside and I remember thinking how relieved I was and that I was going to have to plan out a really special get well basket. I remember sitting next to my my mom telling her that everything was going to be alright, that I heard them say he was good. Unfortunately that bitter sweet memory of hope is something I'll always remember in the most vivid sense. Its hard to think that in a span of mere hours I went from the role of Older Sister to Only Child and I think that's what I have the worst time dealing with. My brother and I were very close ever since we were little because my parents separated and suddenly my mother worked multiple jobs so all we really had was each other. Surprisingly we never actually fought, we bickered a bit but I don't believe there was ever a time where we hated each other. In fact we sought each other out for comfort with problems at school or after a parents scolding. One thing for sure though was he could always cheer me up, he always made me laugh. I remember the day just before he passed away, everything was fine and I was on my way to work. I had just bought a new lizard and was letting him hold it, he made a comment that my lizard was incredibly lazy and that it was the perfect pet for me because "It doesn't do anything, just like you" Those are the last words my brother ever said to me and I'm grateful that just thinking about them can bring a smile to my face.

Its been two years and our birthday is next month, we were born around the same time just 4 years apart and we always celebrated both of our birthdays together. This is the first year we will be celebrating mine since it happened and I don't know how I feel. Everyone in my family feels like i'm the one who recovered from it the fastest, but its farther from the truth. Sometimes I feel like I never truly got a chance to grieve...almost like I was robbed of it. Trying to be strong for everyone else for so long, it got to the point where I only cried because seeing my mothers grief broke my heart. My dad distanced himself from me...I think its because whenever I would visit it was always with my brother and now it hurts too much for him. My family has always consisted of younger members, so I had never experienced having someone die. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why the blow felt so much harder, maybe not.....maybe it would have felt the same...I suppose I'll never know. I don't have anyone to talk to about it, not because I don't have people around me who care about me but its the simple fact that they don't understand and because of that they don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel resentment towards my best friend and her sister when they argue or snap at each other in front of me....when they are just plain nasty to each other. I just want to shake her sometimes and tell her "Stop it...at least you have your sibling...at least you have that" I will never know what its like to bicker, argue, laugh, joke around, watch movies, play games, etc with my brother. He would have been 18 next month and I will never get to meet his girlfriend, See him graduate, go to his wedding, or hold his children. I feel lost because I want to know....I hate that I was robbed of all those experiences and more. I don't understand why it had to happen.....I question that out of all the murderers, rapists, pedophiles, abusers and in general bad people in the world...why take a 15 years old boy who had never done anything to anyone. Unfortunately I will never know and it makes me feel so very lost. That's why I posted my story on here...because perhaps being amongst people who understand...maybe I won't feel quite so alone with my grief. The picture I have attached is the last picture that was taken of the both of us together.

JLenhardt

[ModKonnie]

JLenhardt, I am very sorry about the loss of your brother. Your picture is so sweet looking. We will never understand why bad things happen to good people. I lost my brother due to an automobile accident, and it devastated our entire family. My parents were never the same. I can tell you the severe pain in time begins to fade, and you will be able to smile at fond memories. Just keep talking to your parents and don't be afraid to talk to your friends about your brother. We will be here for you-ModKonnie

[monsupee]

I also feel like I need to put on a straight face for everyone, but I definitely am hurting. I lost my brother to a perforated colon, he was 35. I had lost my dad 6 or 7 years before.

I understand the anger that you can feel when others complain about their sister/brother/parents or whomever. You never know when will be the last time you see them. I had been texting my brother about Halloween. We were going as Shaggy and Scooby. He died on October 28th, so we never got to do that.

It's been almost a year and the anniversary is almost here and it's been rough. I definitely have good days and bad.

I've never been a really spiritual person, but I like to hope there's something out there. That even though he didn't get along with our dad, he's not alone.

I will never see him marry or have kids or anything, he wasn't as young as your brother, but there was so much potential left. We were very close and there's so much that's a reminder that it's hard. I was also an older sister who went to an only child. That's such a weird feeling. You lose the connection to your past, the things from your childhood that only you can talk about and get. Stories, activities, friends or whatever, you just never will have that again. The thought that it was the two of us to help my mom as she gets older, but now it's just me. I worry about my mom, so I try not to break down in front of her for fear it'll make things harder.

Sleeping has been harder, eating is worse, I've gained weight. I still am trying to find the right medication for depression. I've had worse migraines then I did in the past. Physical and emotional pain just seem to be part of life. Sometimes I just want to be left alone so I can cry or hide from the pain. I'm trying hard not to use alcohol to hide the emotions. I'm more aware of the increase and am actively making the choice to reduce that. Maybe it'll help. I'm also going to see a grief counselor again. I'm not exactly sure what I hope to gain from it, but I hope anything will help. I also found a few books online about sibling grief that I bought in the hopes that they can offer some help in healing.