I miss you Mama

[tryingtoholdon]

Hey all.

I recently lost my mother to Advanced Malignant GIST. It has been almost 40 days since her passing and not a day goes by that I do not wish that this is all just a horrible horrible dream. I miss her so much and I have been constantly looking for ways to console myself and find comfort in my memories I shared with her. The house feels empty and I have never felt such void in my life. I recently gave birth to my first born and I have had visions and dreams of raising my child around my mother because she was a woman of strength, perserverence and patience.

My mother had always been a fighter. I didn't know that she was suffering from cancer until days before her surgery to remove the tumors. I always thought that it was benign because my father and her kept her illness a secret from me and my siblings. We never knew that it was malignant. I do still remember the day when she was still fine (hours before the surgery) and how weak she was after the surgery. She couldn't even speak. Only then that we were told that her cancer had spread to her kidney and lungs and it was already in Stage 4.

I never really thought about losing my mother prior to her death. I always thought that parents are immortals. I am 27 years old. I never thought that I would lose my mother at such a young age. The youngest of my siblings, my brother recently turned 20 years old. It has been a constant battle everyday to keep things normal. The hardest bit is how sometimes people tend to think that I am fine and expected that I have already moved on.

I do think that when you have lost someone so dear to your heart especially your parents, you'd understand how short life is and you will began to understand how hard it was for others who have lost theirs.

[ModKonnie]

Tryingtoholdon, I am so very sorry about your loss of your mother. It is so difficult to lose someone so profound, and you are totally right about having a connection with others who have also lost someone so significant in their lives. I know you have heard this over and over, but it does get easier to deal with in time. Your loss is so new, I cannot imagine how others could begin to imagine you have already moved on. Are you able to talk about your mom to your siblings? How are they doing? Talking, crying and even laughing about good times is the best way to process the whole emotional turmoil and experience. Are you taking care of yourself?--Getting any rest or eating properly? I hope you know you are not alone out there. We are here when you need us--ModKonnie

[tryingtoholdon]

Tryingtoholdon, I am so very sorry about your loss of your mother. It is so difficult to lose someone so profound, and you are totally right about having a connection with others who have also lost someone so significant in their lives. I know you have heard this over and over, but it does get easier to deal with in time. Your loss is so new, I cannot imagine how others could begin to imagine you have already moved on. Are you able to talk about your mom to your siblings? How are they doing? Talking, crying and even laughing about good times is the best way to process the whole emotional turmoil and experience. Are you taking care of yourself?--Getting any rest or eating properly? I hope you know you are not alone out there. We are here when you need us--ModKonnie

Thank you for taking the time to reply ModKonnie. My father, my siblings and myself do try to support each other in whatever way possible. My husband has been a great support but losing his mother-in-law (my mother) may not be the same as losing his own who is still alive. I am exhausted as I am the one running the house now. I work half of the day as a high school teacher and in the afternoon till the day ends, I will be the one cooking and at the same time taking care of my child. Sometimes we do share chores and taking turns taking care of my baby but all of them are always busy and it makes it tougher to have a decent rest.

[ModKonnie]

Tryingtoholdon, You do have a very busy schedule, so I could see how you don't get enough rest. Perhaps you can relax on some of your household chores and order carryout for a few weeks to help ease the burden--I know that doesn't sound like the greatest plan, but it works well when stress is at an extreme. Don't be afraid to just ask people to watch the baby while you have some precious "me" time. It's important to your overall health and well being. It's good you have such a supportive family. That will help you tremendously as you move forward. How old is your baby? Taking care of a newborn is overwhelming by itself at times, so you are probably feeling frazzled on top of the anguish you are experiencing. Just take it one day at a time--ModKonnie