younger brother died 34 years ago

[05sept]

I am new to this forum and this is my story:

My younger brother was killed by a car 34 years ago, he was nine and a half years old. I was 14 at the time. The accident happened on his first day back to school after the summer holidays, my poor mother had driven him and my younger sisters to school and he simpy jumped out of the car and ran across the road to his school and was hit by a driver that was rushing to work. I guess I am party angry with the driver, but at that time there were no warning signals near schools so a lot of road safety changes have been made since then...

I am now 47 years old, happily married with 2 young lively and adorable boys aged 6 and 8 but the trauma of my bother's death still haunts me, and I find it difficult to talk about it because it makes me so sad and confused. I rang my mum on the day of his anniversary and talked about him, but when she said it was like a bad nightmare, I felt guilty for having mentioned it, thats the thing, as a sibling, sometimes you don't feel you have a right to grieve or hurt as much as a parent, and this is what I am really struggling with.

I have come across the poem written by the late Seamus Healy (Irish poet) called 'Mid term break', although the poem has stirred up many old memories for me (and caused me to shed bucket loads of tears!!!), I feel the poem expresses what I also went through at that terrible time. I also feel sad that my brother is not part of my life, and for the life he could have had with my parents, sisters and brothers and now with our spouses and kids...

I would be interested to hear from others who have experienced a similar loss.

[sermatinger]

Hi 05sept, I'd like to start off by saying how sorry I am about your brother. It's sad that he had to leave you at such a young age and that you had to experience that tragedy at such a young age. I've lost my oldest brother to suicide and my sister to a drug overdose. Very different from a car accident but very sudden. I completely understand how I you feel. Especially about the part where you think you don't have as much of a right to grieve as your mother. I feel that way all te time. But it's not true. We have the right to grieve as well. Maybe not in the same way as our mothers grieve because its definitely not the same for either of us. I'd like to read that poem you found. My losses have been within the last 6 years and after my siblings died my father died of lung cancer. I know my fair share of pain. I think it's awesome that even after so much time has passed you still have the courage to speak about your brother. I hope this site brings you peace and comfort.

[caw]

Hi there,

I am very sorry for your loss - I cried just reading your story. Every loss is awful but it tugs my heart when they are children.

Your poor family having to come to terms with that and you at such a young age too.

I lost my sister this year on 5th June at age 28 - was very sudden. She passed away from Sudden Unexpected Death In Epilepsy (SUDEP). Her husband came home from a night shift and she had already passed away - he attempted CPR but she had been gone a while. Its hit our family very hard and although I feel I have the right to grieve as much I feel I must stay composed around certain members of the family. Sibling is a different relationship clearly - I cant imagine what it is to loose a child however loosing a sibling still hurts.

I know this will change me forever - I am currently a bit paranoid about someone else passing in there sleep or having no control. The emotions left behind are hard and intense. Maybe as you were young you didnt process it all - did you have counselling?? If not its never too late.

I hope you find the help you are looking for here on the forum