Lost my Dad to Suicide, please help.

[SimplyHales]

(This is a confessional and also my personal story and how far I've come since my dad's death. I'm tired of feeling this way, and I need help. please, help me.)

I am a freshman in college now, and its been almost 5 years since my dad took his life. I was 13 years old, it was February 9th, 2009 and I found out that evening during dinner after school. my mom got a phone call and I heard her screaming in the other room. I told my siblings to stay there, that I would be back. and I overheard a conversation I wasn't meant to hear. to this day my little brother and sister, ages 14 and 11, still don't know what really happened. all they know is that daddy's heart stopped, and nobody know's why.

my dad was Bipolar and a drug addict, but that didn't mean I never loved him. I didn't define the way my dad disciplined me as abuse, because that's how I saw it. I had truly done something wrong and I was being punished. he would use a belt or his bare hands. occasionally I was pushed across the room. I had to come to the conclusion that when he did this, how ever often, it wasn't my dad. It was someone else. my mom told me the same thing, "that's not your dad in there, you understand? that's not Mike."

Despite his ups and downs and drastic mood changes, that didn't mean he was a bad man. I loved my dad, and I have lots of really good memories of him. He taught me lessons that I will carry on the rest of my life, and stories that are priceless.

I never saw my dad as sick. that's why I was so shocked when he took his life. I dreamed about him for months afterwards. the context was always the same; "Daddy, why did you leave us?" and he would always give me the same answer. "You'll see."

my dad was buried on February the 13. I didn't go to his funeral.

I grieve every day. its always there, the pain, and I can't go on hanging by my fingernails to my sanity. Do you know how I cope? I lie. a lot. with little things, and how I look, I dress. I cover everything up with makeup and cute clothes. when I look good, I feel better. I tell people lies to make them believe I'm happy the way I am. not just how I feel, but about everything. When I come home, and I see myself in the mirror, with out the clothes and the makeup and my hair nice, I'm disgusted. I know I shouldn't be, people tell me I'm beautiful all the time, but I still feel that way and it bothers me.

People see me as this perky, happy, care-free girl that doesn't let her past get in the way. I'm always smiling, always laughing, trying to find any possible way to make people happy. Because when I make people smile, I can smile too. and it feels really good.

I am a christian, I believe in God, I love him with all my heart. but lately its been getting harder and harder to spend time with him. I love worship, I love reading my bible. I love pleasing him in anyway I can because I feel good afterward. but lately I've felt so disgusted with myself and so unclean, I can't bring myself to come before him. Because I think he won't like what he'll see and he'll turn away.

Now, after this summer, I feel like I've sunken lower than ever. This, is really hard for me to come out with. recently I came up in front of my church and laid down some of my burdens, but I'm still carrying them and I don't know how to let go of it all myself, even after I've asked for forgiveness. It all started with lust, a huge burning lust. I wanted to be loved in ways that I shouldn't. then I struggled with porn, pleasing only my self, disobedience, lying even more. and now everything I've done, every past sin, its all eating away at my mind and I don't know how to stop it.

For the years after my dad's death I've had this constant pushing, burning feeling in the back of my head. Some days its not as bad, sometimes I can barely feel it. but when its at its worst, my judgement gets clouded, and my emotions are really unstable and I do stupid, sometimes harmful things to my self to try to get it to stop. I've beat my arms and legs, pounded on my head, pulled my hair. I would take any sharp object I could find and run it along my arms, not enough to bleed but just to have some other pain to focus on than the pounding in my head. Occasionally, I would wake up with small bruises on my arms and thighs from my fingers. usually its only this bad when I'm already stressed, like if stuff is going on with school, problems with my brother, friends starting drama. Usual teenage problems tend to send me over the edge.

eventually I thought I was doing better. the pounding in my head was fading away, I had finally brought my self to the point to stop caring what others thought about me. my senior year was over, College was coming fast, a new beginning was in store for me.

Then a month into my summer everything was slapped in my face again. How sick and wrong and hopeless I felt before came crashing back.

My best friend of 12 years called me late one night. I was really excited, because I could finally tell her about my upcoming trips and the new guy I was talking to, dish about my plans for college, and just catch up with her. we hadn't gotten to see each other in a long time, and I missed her a lot. I was busy with school and she was a pastors daughter, so life is always busy for her.

Then she came out and completely brought me to my knees with one phone call. who knew that one phone call could make you feel so worthless? so disgusting? She told me that we couldn't be friends anymore. That it was a new season in her life, and she needed to let go of the people that she saw that weren't going to help her in her future. She told me that her parents believed that I wasn't a good influence, and that I was headed down a dark path to death and destruction, that only bad things were in store for not just me, but my family as well. She said that good, Godly christian people that were high up in the church had prophesied very horrible things that were to happen to my household, and that there were spirits of death and destruction that were anchored to my family. She said that they didn't like the way my mother and I treated men, that we treated them like they were 'used tissues.'

She told me that nothing good could come from me.

then I remembered everything I had tried to forget, everything I wanted to forgive myself for. And now I have not only my best friend, but an entire pastors family and their church believing that I was headed for death and destruction and that my family is cursed.

I was finally starting to grow, I was finally starting to heal. I want to be able to go a day without feeling this gnawing guilt in my stomach for everything I've done.

I've always fought through my own battles by myself. Now, I feel about ready to give up and just quit trying to be a good christian woman of God because I feel like I can't please anyone. I want help. I need help. Everyone looks up to me for advice, for comfort, but no one, nobody knows everything I have just confessed. I'M NOT PERFECT. I'M BLEMISHED AND UNCLEAN. I know I'm washed in his blood, but I don't know how to start forgiving myself.

Now, I'm slipping farther than ever. I'm always busy, I have to keep myself busy and away from home as much as possible. because when I'm home, that's when temptation starts. Porn, alcohol, pills, alone time, It's all with in fingers reach. And I want to stop.

I've tried staying busy, I'm taking 14 credit hours, doing volunteer time as a teachers aid at my mom's work, I've even taken up being a Sunday school teacher every second Sunday for kindergartners. I'm enrolled in a bible college for next year. I WANT TO STOP. I WANT TO BE RID OF THIS GUILT. I want this pounding in my head to go away. I don't want to keep cutting myself as a distraction from my head.

I've tried asking my mom if I can start seeing a therapist or counselor to get help or on medication. I'm desperate, but she keeps saying no, that I'm not really that bad and to stop letting my imagination get the best of me. my grandmother forbids I see a counselor for fear I might be sent away. I'm 18, I'm a legal adult, and this is me laying down my pride and confessing that I am NOT alright, and that I DO NEED HELP.

I don't need Google therapy ideas for depression, I don't need an automated hot line where I'm constantly on hold because everyone else needs help too. I need a person, I need advice, I need someone to walk with me through this.

Please help me. I don't know what else to do, I'm tired of feeling like this, I'm tired of holding on to my guilt, I'm tired of hurting and hurting myself to get away, and I'm tired of people letting me down. If you can't be there for me, at least give me a good christian counselor I can talk to.

[sermatinger]

SimplyHales, I'm sorry about the loss of your father. Suicide is one of the worst to deal with my oldest brother killed himself 6 years ago. He was also an alcoholic and a drug addict. I know where you are coming from. I went through a very dark time in my life after his death. I did many things I was not proud of. I feel your pain.

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard time especially since you're 18 and now is your time to grow as a person. I'm sorry that your friend decided that you weren't good enough to be her friend anymore and that the people from your church find it better to talk about your family than to actually help you. I'm sorry you feel so guilty and dirty.

But this is the part where I'm not gonna be sorry for you. You don't need ANYONE to feel sorry for you. You don't need a congregation that talks crap about you or friends to make you feel like you are less than nothing. I know a little about self pity because not only did I lose my brother, I lost my sister to a drug overdose and my father to lung cancer. I've been so depressed for the last 6 years its hard for me even to wake up in the morning. But this isn't about me, this is about you. I feel as if you have some warped view that this is all your fault. That's just survivors guilt talking. NOTHING about this is your fault. It's your father's fault. He made a rash and selfish decision that is still affecting you and it may always affect you. But you are the master of your own destiny and its up to you to make nessesary changes in your life.

I'm not a Christian. I don't believe in organized religion for a lot of the reasons you've have already stated. Do not let judging, insignificant, "Christian" idiots define who you are because a real Christian would be there for you no matter what. God does not shy away from you because from what I was taught in church as child was that God loves you no matter what and that there's nothing you can do to make him feel otherwise. Even though I'm not a Christian I am still very spiritual.

I honestly think that you would benefit from some counseling and maybe you could find some group grief sessions. Maybe you should look up if they have any of those around your area. Don't listen to your mom or grandmother.. You are 18 you can make your own decision about your mental health. You are in a very fragile state of mind and I do think your headed down a dark path and not because the spirit of death lingers around you. I think this is because you've tried to hard to forget and lie about what's happened rather than accept it. You don't need to forgive yourself, you need to accept and forgive your father's decision to take his own life no matter how much it hurts. That's the only way you are going to move past this.

I hope all of this has helped you and I hope being on the website brings you peace.