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[Hollywelch93]

Hi, I'm Holly, I'm 20 years old and I Lost my mum of Valentine’s Day last year, hardest day of my life and I will always remember it. 14th February 2012 started off as a great day, it was the first Valentine’s Day I spent with my boyfriend and I was excited to see him. I went to his and he made me this amazing chocolate tree and also cooked me a lovely meal, It the best day I had for years but then at around after 11pm my phone rang and it was my step dad “Holly, you need to see mum”... My mum had been battling cancer for over a year now, everything was going fine, she was fighting through it but that day she gave up.. We drove to the hospital and I walked into her hospital room, she was sat there with her eyes closed struggling to breathe, I had never seen her like that before... I knew what was coming.

My brother, step dad and I just sat there for what seemed hours, hoping she would wake up from her slow breathing but she didn’t and then she stopped breathing all together, just stopped. It was like my whole world ended there and then, I had no warning that this was going to happen (yeah I know she had cancer but she wasn’t meant to die from it, it was treatable) she went through all the treatments fighting and never giving up, she told me she was going to get through it and I didn’t need to worry, so I don’t understand why it happened if it wasn’t meant to?

It’s been hard ever since, I don’t know what to do. I find it hard to talk about it and I get so angry over the stupidest things that it is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend and I’m scared. I’m scared he’s going to leave me and I will have nothing and no one.. my mum was the most important person in my life and she’s gone, I can’t lose the second most important person in my life but I can’t help being angry and stressed out all the time.. It's hard, really hard, my mother was such a caring person and didn't deserve it.. nobody does but not her especially. I can't even talk to anyone as I feel like the people around me don't wan't to hear about it all the time, I don't want to make them feel awkward but it kills me and I hold it in until I burst. I have a very supportive boyfriend but the other day he nearly broke up with me because I argue with him all the time.. It killed me inside, he said he wants to be with me and loves me but now I'm scared he's leaving me.. I've tried to be more 'calm' and think things through but I can't.. I don't know how to deal with this and I can't anymore... It's really hard. my life is a mess.

I feel lost, confused, hurt and just sad. I just want my mum.

I know, this doesn’t make sense but I just need someone to listen without knowing me personally.

Holly

x

[ForeverRemembered]

Hi Holly,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. You came to the right place. Many of us come here to just let it all out. I lost my mom in Sept. of 2012. Next month will be a year. Have you talked to a doctor about the way you are feeling? I also felt that anger. My kids were driving me insane and they were just being kids. I realized one day that I just wasn't the mom that I wanted to be anymore. I realized that I lost my mom, but in a way, my kids were also losing their mom. I finally told myself that it will be a year this September and a year was enough. I didn't want to go one more day feeling angry all the time. I finally made an appointment with my doctor and I told her everything that I was feeling. Sobbing and crying. She said that it was time they put me on an antidepressant. I had been putting it off and putting it off. I didn't want to be on anything like that because I wasn't that weak of a person. She wrote me the script and told me to fill it. She said that she isn't a weak person either and just smiled. Meaning she was also taking the medication. Let me tell you something....I haven't laughed and smiled this much in a long time. I missed ME! I needed this so badly and now that I look back, it was the weak person who didn't want to admit that I needed anything. I feel so much better! My kids can be kids again and I can enjoy being a mom again. I realized that just because I had lost my mom, doesn't mean that my kids should lose their mom.

Now, don't get me wrong. You may not need anything, but at least talk to a doctor and see what your options are. See what the doctor recommends. Be honest with them, because they can't help you if your not being honest. Life is too short to be angry all the time. My husband is also a wonderful caring husband. However, there is only so much anger that one person can tolerate. Your boyfriend is still with you so he must care so much about you. Anger just eats us up. Your too young to be angry at the world. You are at a wonderful age and you should be enjoying life. Your mom wouldn't want you to feel the way you are feeling. You know she would want you to be happy and enjoy the people around you. Please let me know how you are doing. Keep in touch. We here will listen anytime because we know that tomorrow....it may be us that needs to talk. I miss my mom everyday. There isn't a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about her. Not a day that I haven't wished that I could turn back time or just have one more hour with her.

A BIG HUG and MUCH LOVE. Take care of yourself and would be happy to hear from you anytime. Even if you just need to vent.

[fairydust6888]

I am so sorry for your loss Holly. You have every right to be angry and grieve in your own time. There is no timetable for grief. Everyone grieves differently. My Dad died a year and a half ago; and. the pain is still heartbreaking and overwhelming. It helps to take it 1 day at a time. It helps to also get your feelings out too. Instead of keeping them bottled up. I know the feeling of talking about my Dad can be annoying to others. But, it helps to talk about it. It helps to get the pain out. I am sending prayers and best wishes for you. I hope this helps you.