Feel very frustrated and helpless that I can't be there for a guy that is grieving

[VeryFrustrated]

Hey all,

The reason I ended up on this forum is because I have been reading up on grief and the best thing that I could be doing for someone. (if I get the chance!)

I've felt very frustrated and helpless about my situation and was hoping to get some advice.

I met a guy and we had this amazing, instant connection, then unfortunately after around 5 dates his dad was diagnosed with cancer.

He was very stressed out, worried and had one heck of a lot coming up with work on top of this new situation. So he said he could only be friends right now.

I understood that it was not the time for him to be establishing a new rel and going on dates and I was really disappointed. At the same time, I really wanted to be there for him even though I didn't feel like I was close enough to be that person in his life.

Over the following months, I would check in here and there. He would only write back half the time. e.g. If I asked about the dad, he would never reply. If I asked if he was free to catch up, he was busy with work or dad. However, if I talked about general things he would reply and ask me a question back.

So I had absolutely no idea what was going on with his dad. I didn't know how serious it was, I didn't know how long he had to live, I didn't know if the treatment was having any success.

It was frustrating being left in the dark.

Anyway, I do know (through friends of his brother) his dad passed away a month back. He passed away a mere 3 months after diagnosis.

He hasn't told me, he doesn't know I know and has ignored the "Hi how are you?" txts over the last few months.

I feel so terrible for him and wish I could be there for him but he obviously doesn't want or need me around. I feel like all I can do is just wait and wonder now.

I guess the reason I am here is because I have been trying to get an understanding of what he may be going through at this stage (one month mark) and really I hope that he will reach out around the 2 month mark.

If you can share your experiences or thoughts about this stage and dealing with other people - I would greatly appreciate it. Or if you have any ideas about what I could be doing at this point that might be of some benefit please let me know

Thanks

[widower2]

I guess the reason I am here is because I have been trying to get an understanding of what he may be going through

Props to you for wanting to, but frankly you really can't. You'd have to go through it to even come close.

really I hope that he will reach out around the 2 month mark.

I would not try to put timelines on things. And hopefully you realize this, but a few months is rarely if ever enough time for someone to even begin to regroup from a devastating loss.

If you can share your experiences or thoughts about this stage

Not sure I follow what "this stage" means, but basically if he isn't replying I would take the hint and if he wants to re-engage, he will. It's nice that you want to help, but people have to deal w/this in their own way.

[VeryFrustrated]

Thanks Widower - all I can do is just get on with my life and leave him to deal with it and get in touch when the time is right for him.

I've had reports from people that see him around saying he isn't looking great at all /looks really unhappy - it's just been hard hearing that he is in pain and sitting back and doing nothing but someone used a butterfly/cocoon analogy that hit home for me and I feel better about leaving it be and letting him deal with it in his own way /alone.

[widower2]

You're welcome and hope things work out for you and him (even if not necessarily together) - and hey, who knows what the future may bring