5 years later

[Claireks]

My dad died five years ago this past July. He was nearing retirement and for fun, had purchased a motorcycle. The accident happened quickly and we were assured that his death was quick and painless.

He was such a calm and caring force in our family. The grief is so confusing and at times, disabling. Five years later, I am still at a loss as to how to deal with the absence of his steadiness. There are times when it feels like the life I lived with a father was just a dream. I lived for 23 beautiful years in a dream. The further removed I am from the "waking", the more unreal that time in my life seems. The more unreal he seems. This seperation is not anesthetizing. Rather it only adds to my profound sadness.

I have begun to think of myself as an amputee. A person bereft of a leg. Before I lost my leg, my dear father, I never seemed to think twice about my good fortune. Since his death, my life is divided in two: before and after. Yes, a person can lose a leg and survive. Perhaps thrive, even. Walk again. But the walking won't be the same. New steps are ventured, but only with the concious effort to work around the missing part. And all those "two-legged" people walking around? I can barely look at them without feeling envy.

I'm too logical, perhaps too much so for my own good sometimes. I can play devil's advocate with myself and work to glean the motivation upturn. Monstrous cliches abound. Value those that are still in your life. And I do. I try. My mother, an equally loving parent. But I've developed experience now and I feel this manic fear of her loss, too. It stands to reason that if I don't die first, she will. Or my brother. Or my husband. Or our future children. 5 years, it's been now, and I don't feel to be in a more self-actualized place. I just don't know how I can cope when the axe falls the next time.

[ModKonnie]

Claireks, I am sorry about the loss of your father. Perhaps you may want to consider a grief and loss professional to discuss your fears with. Or perhaps you should read some literature and join a support group in your area. Dealing with loss is no easy thing. Acceptance is difficult, and the fear of future loss is scary. When another loss occurs, you will cope from minute to minute, trying to breath, and then you will gradually move to hours and then days....but you will be able to get through. Instead of dwelling on loss, though, can you try to concentrate on the happiness and fond memories you have developed of your loved ones? Can you try to remember the good instead of focusing on the bad? That does seem to help. --ModKonnie

[MilaT]

Claireks, I am sorry about the lost of your father sounds like he was a powerful force in your life. I am a daddy's girl so I can certainly understand your grief. I lost my mother 17 years ago and I still feel like the biggest amputee but I am learning to walk and not only walk, realize that while I was a teen when I lost my mother at least I had her for the years that I did. I think that there are some who have lost a parent maybe at birth or at a younger age than I and never had the time to spend with them. I try to look at the brighter side because for so many years I lived in darkness. I now focus on the good times we had, although as you mentioned they seem like a dream, I have to stay strong as I know that you will too. I tell my children about her and share stories of when I was a little girl and we look at pictures. I talk with my brother's about her and other people who knew and loved her like me. Stay positive and you can get through.