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i need some advice


Caremal

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junglee queen

1- I keep sending good morning messages to my guys mother , and his brother . I keep wishing them a good day and stuff like that . Iam not sure if i should keep doing that on daily basis . I don't know if iam bringing sad memories back to them . They are like family to me now , and i wouldn't want to harm them in any way . What do you think friends do i contact them on daily basis or not

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. I dont want to be the reason that they don't heal .

2- Iam not sure about how to deal with my friends . some of them are avoiding me i think its because they feel lost and they dont know what to do to help me . Some of them are still checking on me but i just don't know if i should do what they tell me to do like calling them whenever iam down or something . They have lives too and i dont find it right to depress them . Till now i didnt have it in me to open up completely and share all whats going in my mind with any of my friends . I don't know how to say things , or if i should say them . Do i really share everything with my best friends even if that would upset them or do i keep it all to myself

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3- Initially everybody wanted to contact me to ask me how did he feel about each and every one of them , his friends used to call me at mid night crying and i would try to calm them down . Now it seems that they all moved on . Iam glad that they did . I just feel that its me , his brother , and parents who are still stuck and lost . Iam trying to help his family i dont want them to feel alone its just that iam not sure if what iam doing helps . I dont think that iam capable of sharing my feelings with his brother and parents i dont want them to feel worst . i feel that they are doing the same thing too.

4- Though iam not doing anything actively i do enjoy imagining my death every morning , like how would i want to die today , what would i want to tell people close to me before i die . How would i want my death experience to be , i always imagine my guy coming to pick me up or him walking with me to wherever dead people are supposed to go to . For some reason this gives me some happiness . I thought that this is safe as long as iam not doing anything actively . Its just that today when i was walking with my mother in the neighborhood , we were crossing the street , somebody was speeding and he was coming towards me , i just stopped as if i was waiting for him to hit me i was just looking at the car and waiting . Then i realized that my mom was screaming . I just took one step forward and he messed me by few inches . I have had similar incidences in the back , but my guy helped me get over it . I think the only thing that scares me nowadays is hurting someones feelings . iam not afraid to die , Iam not afraid of ghosts , scary movies , which were things i considered scary in the past . I think that the only thing i can feel these days is pain . Iam not sure if i should inform my close friends about this to keep an eye on me or just let it be

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Hi junglee queen…not sure if any of this will help but happy to share my thoughts.

  1. Are they getting some comfort from hearing from you every day? Do they respond? I think if they are ok with you emailing every day and you feel good about doing that then you should continue to do so. But if you are sensing that they are responding less etc then maybe cut it back to just 3-4x/week. It is nice to know you are being thought about during these hard times so if you’re not feeling any kind of push back from them and it’s something you would like to do, then do it.

  1. Friends and family are tricky and I’m facing a similar experience – where everyone feels like they are moving on and you are stuck. It’s a very hard thing to deal with on top of your loss. For me, I’ve taken to being really upfront with what I need IE: I need you to call me or I need you to leave me alone for a bit. This is about you healing so you need to lean on the people who make it feel possible for you to do so. People who can listen or go for a drive or sit with you and do nothing – whatever you need. If people are feeling less than supportive, then you have a decision to make. I’ve decided to walk away from those people for now because trying to manage that plus my grief is too hard. If you feel like you have things to share and want to unload the thoughts from your mind then do that with the people who know will be most supportive. They will help you no matter what you say. If they get upset you can’t take that on. This is about you, your grief and what you need.

  1. I am not sure what to say except that in my experience it’s a fine line. Your relationship with your partner is a very different loss from what they are feeling. Not better, not worse, just different. If you feel like it’s appropriate to share where you are at and think it will help, again then do so. Depending on your relationship with them you could ask to talk to them about it and see how they react. My boyfriends family completely shut me out even though we were close so I’m in a different situation, but even before that happened it didn’t seem like they wanted to hear about it, so for me I didn’t talk to them about it. But many others have had different experiences so I think you just need to gauge where things are at. It’s a tough one.

  1. This may not be what you want to hear but I am going to say it anyway – get help. It’s normal to feel like you also want to die when you are going through grief but to imagine it every day and stand in front of a car without thinking of moving is much different. You need to seek counseling ASAP – either one-on-one, a support group, your family doctor. Where ever. It sounds like you have a lot of feelings and are unsure of who to lean on so I cannot stress enough the importance of finding a network of people who are in a similar situation that you can talk to face-to-face. It will help. It might not feel like it but it will.

I lost my boyfriend 7 months ago today and have been going to both a grief therapist and just recently started going to a spousal/partner loss support group. It helps. Makes the unimaginable feel more manageable. For me anyway.

Anyway this is all just my 2 cents and you have to do what’s best for you but please please please seek some help in dealing with your grief.

Wishing you peace.

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junglee queen

Thnx thisishard ,

His family do reply when i send them messages . Its only a concern i have .

i think that i will have a chat with my friends and will demand to know if any of them is willing to be there for me whenever i need somebody .

-regarding help i have been on treatment before it did not help it made my condition worst . wither it was because of meds or because of attending appointments . I have always felt that the doctors i have been seeing don't really get it and they make it worst . I have always felt that support from my friends used to be helpful .

lets see .....thnx dear =)

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It's really difficult for me to know how to give you advice, as I don't want to have a negative impact on you. That being said, I would recommend seeking professional counseling, or maybe a grief support group. I think it's normal to imagine our own deaths after the loss of someone who is so important to us, but if you are putting yourself into potentially dangerous situations, because you aren't thinking clearly, it could really be a problem for your well-being. I can relate to how you feel about not knowing how much to say, or who to talk to, with friends and family, because sometimes you get the feeling that other people just really don't want to hear about it. That is one of the reasons that I come here. People here can understand what we are all going through, and are willing to lend a listening ear.

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Junglee queen my advice to you is to put yourself first. If you feel you have to contact your boyfriend's mother and brother then do so. Friends, I think we have all experienced some friends that can be supportive and others just can't do it. If your therapist didn't help you find other one. Trust me I know they are not all good. If you feel you should tell friends you are having crazy thought then do so. It is ok to ask for help. You will get over this but you haven't to make the first move.

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Talk to his family and ask them how they are doing? Tell them you don't want to be a pest just they are the connection that you have and would like to maintain that if it is OK with them. Friends and family OFTEN go away - you see their life has gone on and yours is in grief in a different way then theirs is. The ones that say call me mean it and DO call them they care If you share you feeling with his family it will not make them feel worse it will help them and also you. Now on the last one MOST of us have had times of despair and know that our life will be better and our life will go on. Our loved one would want us to go on and someday be happy again. I will never forget my husband yet he said to me go on and be happy again - please do that as well. Come to the chat room in the evenings - us that spend time there all have been in your shoes and it might help you to feel better about life. I also suggest you read the forums and go back and read the old ones as you will see others who felt in the similar way and now are doing better - giving you hope as well. Sending you a hug and know all will be easier to deal with as time goes on.

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