i need some advice

[junglee queen]

1- I keep sending good morning messages to my guys mother , and his brother . I keep wishing them a good day and stuff like that . Iam not sure if i should keep doing that on daily basis . I don't know if iam bringing sad memories back to them . They are like family to me now , and i wouldn't want to harm them in any way . What do you think friends do i contact them on daily basis or not

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. I dont want to be the reason that they don't heal .

2- Iam not sure about how to deal with my friends . some of them are avoiding me i think its because they feel lost and they dont know what to do to help me . Some of them are still checking on me but i just don't know if i should do what they tell me to do like calling them whenever iam down or something . They have lives too and i dont find it right to depress them . Till now i didnt have it in me to open up completely and share all whats going in my mind with any of my friends . I don't know how to say things , or if i should say them . Do i really share everything with my best friends even if that would upset them or do i keep it all to myself

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3- Initially everybody wanted to contact me to ask me how did he feel about each and every one of them , his friends used to call me at mid night crying and i would try to calm them down . Now it seems that they all moved on . Iam glad that they did . I just feel that its me , his brother , and parents who are still stuck and lost . Iam trying to help his family i dont want them to feel alone its just that iam not sure if what iam doing helps . I dont think that iam capable of sharing my feelings with his brother and parents i dont want them to feel worst . i feel that they are doing the same thing too.

4- Though iam not doing anything actively i do enjoy imagining my death every morning , like how would i want to die today , what would i want to tell people close to me before i die . How would i want my death experience to be , i always imagine my guy coming to pick me up or him walking with me to wherever dead people are supposed to go to . For some reason this gives me some happiness . I thought that this is safe as long as iam not doing anything actively . Its just that today when i was walking with my mother in the neighborhood , we were crossing the street , somebody was speeding and he was coming towards me , i just stopped as if i was waiting for him to hit me i was just looking at the car and waiting . Then i realized that my mom was screaming . I just took one step forward and he messed me by few inches . I have had similar incidences in the back , but my guy helped me get over it . I think the only thing that scares me nowadays is hurting someones feelings . iam not afraid to die , Iam not afraid of ghosts , scary movies , which were things i considered scary in the past . I think that the only thing i can feel these days is pain . Iam not sure if i should inform my close friends about this to keep an eye on me or just let it be

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[MissingDaniel]

JQ, I am going to respond to what I have had some experience with, which is contact with the rest of the family. My husband died in April, so I am in a similar place as you are time-wise. The first couple of months, I talked to my husband's mother very frequently. I think we both needed it very much. But I have reached a place now where I do not call her nearly as often, because every time I hang up after talking with her, I feel extra sad and drained, and I feel like a take a few steps back in my process. She doesn't mean to do it, it's just the nature of our conversation. And I have a feeling I do the same to her. So I understand you questioning whether you should continue to contact your boyfriend's loved ones every day. I don't know that this is the case with them, but just thought I'd give you the experience I have had with that.

As for as your other questions, you know your friends best and which ones genuinely mean what they say about being there to listen. For the ones that you believe to be genuine, take them up on it! We all need someone with an ear to give. An ear seems to be the hardest thing to find in this situation. Everyone seems to have words for you, but so few will just shut their mouths and LISTEN. So do talk to the ones who truly will.

As for your last paragraph, I really think if you are not already seeing a counselor, that you should. You may be doing that already, but any continued thoughts along those lines are, to me, a reason for concern. Please be good to yourself and talk to someone who has the experience and knowledge to help you. I'm sure your boyfriend would want you to do that. That's my two cents for what it's worth.