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Hard milestone today...6 month mark


junglee queen

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I can't believe the day is here already. I knew this day would be a hard one! It seems like just yesterday this nightmare of a life was coming true. I have so many questions still and wonder why? Why did this happen to our family? Losing someone tragically is so very difficult as you have no time to prepare yourself for what is about to happen. Several days I feel like I have been hit with a Mack truck, yet I somehow am able to keep a smile on my face and move forward. I sometimes wonder if people can see the pain that is in my heart through my eyes. The pain that I have hidden as most people "expect" you to move forward and just forget how your life once was. Its not that easy, at least not for me and most of us on this forum. I came here 6 months ago looking for some kind of hope and help to see if just one person could relate to this pain I was feeling. Today I am so thankful I did somehow make it here! Thank you for all of the support you have shown me over the past 6 months. Whenever I need someone to talk to that can relate, I come here. I remember thinking "I will never be able to function in life or how I just couldn't catch my breathe." Well here I am breathing and functioning....I am still not sure how! As my mind is a scatter brain like 99% of the time, I just cant express everything I want to say. I am sad..I would like to spend my day in bed (in fact my whole weekend) but I cant.. I have to get up on that horse and ride like no other (even thought I don't want to). A few things I have learned in the past 6 months: I have not only lost the one person whom I loved dearly, I also have lost a lot of friends...Why does this happen? I have also lost about 80lbs (which I suppose makes me into a whole new person, I am wearing the same size jeans as I did in high school 20 years ago).. I feel like my life stopped and everyone else's life kept moving forward and I am sick of them saying "I don't know how you do it Jody"..Well do I have much of a choice? I have 3 children that need me still! My life didn't stop just because Jim died ( I hate using that word)..No it kept going! I wish it could have stopped or changed..I wish I didn't have 2 kids with Autism and chronic medical conditions and one mouthy teenage son that will forever be wounded by the one person besides myself that he trusted the most left...Nope we are all still here dealing with the same things we did before the accident. Okay off my rant and onto trying to make it through the day without crying every 5 minutes. Thanks everyone here for everything!

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I'm sorry AK. It's hard enough but days like this are even harder, I realize. Cry if you need to, it's a necessary release and Lord knows you're entitled. Ditto for the rants! Hang on, you will survive this somehow!

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Sometimes I feel like I am living in denial, that all the sudden it is going to hit me that my husband is dead. I'm not living in denial but I feel like I'm just waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under my feet. I mean, what else could go wrong, huh? It seems like I live from the 4th to the 4th, the day of the month he died. Each month is a milestone and then there are anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and damn if he didn't die on my mother's birthday.

Jody, I don't know what to tell you because I'm in the same boat minus the kids. I never in a million years thought about how life might be if Jerry were to suddenly die. I did imagine it for a while and ended up in a deep depression and in bed but the reality isn't anything like the imaginary scenes I invisioned. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and when I take time to really think about the situation I break down in tears. The only thing I have going for me right now is that I am getting very interested in life after death topics. And then, that just may be another futile attempt at bringing back some sort of normal to my life.

Hugs to you sweetie, we are in this together. Take care and my prayers are with you.

Judy

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As hard as it is to carry this load, I'm glad it's me and not my wife, I can't bear to think of her in this much pain and sorrow.

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Thats something i hang on to as well OG. Even tho i was much older than Alex, and most people would have expected me to go first, its better this way (and i cant believe i just said that!) Hed never have been able to deal with it, and it would have hurt him beyond belief. Im glad i can spare him that at least.

ANd yes, the "oh youre so strong" comments.........what a load of old #%$%#. Exactly what choice did i have? did ANY of us have?....its not like theres an opt out button. I wont consider suicide, because i have things to do, promises i have to fulfil, and like you said Austykatie, likfe doesnt stop. You still have things to deal with day to day. I dont think that what we've all been thru and are going thru requires strength as much as good old fashioned stubborness and endurance. "yes i feel like hell today but i can hang on until tomorrow and that might be better"

Take care of yourself AK. Hopefully the firsts are the worst, and each time we endure one of those special days, the pain gets less and the memories sweeter.

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AK my heart goes out to you. It has been 5 months since I my husband has died, not sure where the time went. Even though my husband didn't spend a lot of time with us not having him here at all is extremely hard. Adjusting to a single parent has been rough. Doing everything has been hard. I too am very thankful for everyone on this site.

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Thanks everyone for the hugs and thoughts. I really appreciate it! I made it through the day, thankfully. Went for lunch with a friend of mine, did some shopping, got a Dairy Queen and hung out at his house..It was a nice way to just relax and let my feelings out if I needed to! I really can't believe its been 6 months or further more that I am talking about it! I can give myself credit because I have come so far..I used to sleep all day and never at night, never would eat and wouldn't go out of the house! Today I am assisting a friend of mine DJ a wedding, I sleep at night, ate a Whopper before I went to bed last night and cant wait to be out of the house..I am just so grateful that I was able to pick myself up when I feel. It was a challenge but I did it! (well with some help from a friend)... Have a good Saturday everyone and remember wherever you are in the grieving process that it will not get any worse than it already is, it will only get easier at some point or another!

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junglee queen

Hey dear ,,,,just wanted to say that you are doing a great job . he will feel better if he sees you doing things you enjoy to do ,,thats what some people are telling me . I dont know if i fully believe that or not. In my case i try to go to restaurants he used to like to eat at . He likes spicy food , though i don't tolerate it well and he used to find my facial expression funny when i try spicy food :mellow: . Whenever i find the strength to go eat out , i order the food he used to like , and i imagine the things he would say about the dish . Even when i go to somewhere new , i try food and then imagine a conversation with him about the dish .

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