Losing my best friend

[donna&callum]

I've came to this site a few times and I've read a few of the posts but this is the first time I've actually written anything.

In May this year we went on holiday to Turkey, what was meant to be a dream holiday turned into my biggest regret of my life and destroyed my family. My eldest son, Callum who was 3 years, 4 months and 23 days old ran off when I was changing his youngest brothers bum. I turned my back....by the time I ran round the pool shouting his name he had already been pulled out from the water.

He always wore armbands and a vest in the water but he had already been in and asked to get changed into his tshirt and shorts - he hated being cold....which was strange as it was over 30 degrees. He was so skinny. All we can think he that he's run off for a ice cream with his cousin and slipped...because I know he would never have jumped in without his vest.

He fought for 5 days in intensive care but was declared clinically dead on 28th May 2013.

It'll be 3 months next week since I spoke to my little boy, my best friend and I miss him so much. I struggle each and everyday.....feeling physical pain. I'm not doing well at all. I'm broken and lost. I hear and read that you never get over it, you just learn to live with it.....I dont think ill ever learn to live with this pain. I dont even know who I am anymore.

Dx

[517958]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear little boy. My 5 year old daughter drowned in a swimming pool just over 2 years ago. I was at work that day and my husband was with the kids at the pool. While he went to care for my son who was 4 months old at the time, Charlotte asked someone there to remove her life jacket and she did. We don't know what happened after that but all we know is that she ended up in the pool.

I know the heartbreak you are feeling now, and the shock and the sadness. I think I knew right away that I would never be the same person and that I would never look at anything the same way again. It's true that I have changed as a person. I'm not the same person I was before Char died but in some ways I hope I am or hope to be better. I was so happy before I lost her that I think I was blind to the pain in the world. Before she died I didn't know that pain like this existed. I hope I will be able to reach out to those in pain and understand. Sometimes when you're hurting, it feels good just to know someone understands you. That's why this site can be helpful. It is full of people who understand.

Know that you are not alone and know that you will learn to live. Really you must learn to live for your surviving child. Try to be patient with yourself. It takes a long time to figure out what this world looks like and what your new life is. Try to be good to yourself. Eat and rest when you can.

You are welcome to post on the "Loss of an Adult Child" thread. Please don't be scared off by the title because everyone is welcome there.

[donna&callum]

Thank you Angela. You're the first person I've come across that lost their baby in the same way. I'm trying to look after my other son (he was 9 months when Callum died) and has now just turned one, he's into everything but he has changed too. He constantly looks for his brother, he can reach door handles now so I find him in his room just looking round. Callum was a very caring big brother and was very protective of him. The poor wee soul screams if I or his dad leave the room, I'm told separation anxiety is normal at this age but its quite extreme. I think he's just scared that one of us is going to disappear aswell. I try not to get upset around him but its really hard.....I look at him and I hate that I turned my back. They should both be here.

The pain I feel daily is excruciating, I think of him constantly and its hurts so much. I just wish I could explain to him that he wasn't naughty and that he wasn't sent away. I'm worried he's going to be thinking 'why is Max allowed to stay with mummy and daddy and I've been sent away?' He didn't like strangers.....sorry I have to go...

[shorty16]

Dx

So sorry for your loss. Like my loss, it did not have to happen. My son, Brian decided to climb on the hood of a car. The driver went 68mph hit 3 trees and walked away. Brian hit the ground and died within minutes. The crash scene is 1/4 mile from our home.

Yes, it is very difficult to even breath, let alone get up and function. I have 2 other children that were teens at the time (6-19-2008).

Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. All the anxiety in the world will not bring back your baby. Let yourself cry, scream, curl up in ball . It is all ok.

Keep posting on this site. We can help you along the way,

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[mbkubitz]

Dear Donna,

I'm so sorry you lost your precious Callum. My daughter, Margareta, drowned in our pool at home in September 2009 - a month after turning four. All it takes is a few moments out of your sight and then we are left with agonizing questions that can never be answered. It was her three older brothers, and then her younger brother born the next year that initially kept me going. I don't know how I managed to get up each morning and face another day without my only daughter - but somehow you just do.

It'll be 3 months next week since I spoke to my little boy, my best friend and I miss him so much. I struggle each and everyday.....feeling physical pain. I'm not doing well at all. I'm broken and lost. I hear and read that you never get over it, you just learn to live with it.....I dont think ill ever learn to live with this pain. I dont even know who I am anymore.

It is true that you never "get over it" and you do learn to live with it, but the pain lessens in its intensity and anguish over time. If we had to continually live with the level of pain we experience in the months right after the death (as you are now), it would be unbearable to face for the rest of your life. The truth is the pain changes and shifts over time, though it is a very personal and unique journey for each person. What got me through are online support groups like this, in-person support groups though local hospice or The Compassionate Friends, counseling, and writing about it (I have written about my experiences with grief on the site, www.aliveinmemory.org). Sharing your story and pain with others who have experienced the same loss is healing. Knowing you are not alone and there is a light at the end of this horrible tunnel you are in can give you some amount of hope.

I hope you keep reaching out. Take one day, and one moment at a time. Cry when you feel you need to. Try to rest (grief is physically exhausting). Know that you will survive, and the pain will soften over time.

Wishing you peace,

Maria

[donna&callum]

Thank you very much for your replies Maria & Colleen. Sorry it has taken me so long to reply I'm just not in a good place...my world is falling apart. My relationship, my family are all broken. I go by day by day on autopilot and I honestly feel that iv I didn't have my 1 year old i wouldnt be here. I hate this cruel world and I hate that my baby has died. i just want him back. I want to walk him to nursery, talk to him, cuddle him. I feel so much pain but the guilt is killing me. He was in my care and I turned my back...how do I explain that to his brother when he gets older.

I wasn't a religious person before but I always believed in heaven, I know Callum is in heaven but I'm scared I wont get to join him. Ive started to go to church and I'm trying to read God's word but I find it hard to look up and trust God when he took my baby away from me. What did I do so wrong to deserve this.

Sorry ladies, just having a really awful day.

Dx