Jump to content

How Do I Survive This Mess


Janineerrn

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Hello. My 26 year-old daughter, Michelle, died on June 26th 2013. It was sudden and the cause has not yet been determined. My 4 year-old granddaughter was alone with her when she died in the early evening and with her all night until a friend passed by and saw my daughters car at home when she should have been at work, I picked up my granddaughter as my daughters body was being carried out of the house. She has been with me since. I was very close to my daughter and granddaughter. They lived in my home up unitl a couple of months ago. I know my daughter is OK now. We all die and I believe our souls go on. But my heart breaks a thousand times a day with the questions my granddaughter has. Does anyone have experience with a 4 year old losing her mother? We are seeing a therapist.

To add insult to injury, my granddaughters father, who has not seen her since she was 16 months old, who never paid a dime of support, who has a substance abuse problem and a criminal record called me to tell me he would be picking up my granddaughter and I had no rights. I immediately retained a lawyer and the temporary custody has to be renewed every 10 days I handed all of my savings over to this lawyer. I havent been able to go back to work because my granddaughter is having night terrors. We have not had one full nights sleep since the day my daughter died. My granddaughter goes to preschool but she isnt ready for a full day away from me yet. I can not just drop her off while she is screaming and panicking. My husband is working as much as he can but we are looking at our electric getting shut off in a couple of weeks. The money I handed over to the lawyer could have paid our bills for about 6 months and I could have stayed with my granddaughter until her self esteem and safety return.

I dont know what to do. i am a nurse. I make a good living when i can work. We are not rich but we were comfortable. We did what we were supposed to do, saved 6 months worth of bills for emergency situations, we live simply. I am not into "stuff". I want to raise my granddaughter with love and patience. I want her to survive this horrible trauma and grow up to be a smart, independant, loving person. I never want her to forget her mother and I want so badly to help her feel safe again. I was offered a job by anational health insurance company doing nurse case management from home. This would give me the flexibility to be there for my granddaughter. This is an awesome opportunity but I would have to go to northern Ohio for two weeks. The company pays my expenses but I would have to hire a nanny to stay with my granddaughter while I go to this training. I cant leave her, I am her main support, She is stuck to me like glue. So I am back to deciding between having electric and food (dropping her off at daycare and working 12 hour shifts) or staying with her until she is stable. I am trying to keep her off the medications they want to put her on. She is 4, I am not throwing pills at her to make her a zombie, I want her to process this and heal.

Sorry for the rant. I really have no other support. My mom is in the middle of chemo for stage 4 lymphoma. I really do not have any other family. I just want to scream!!! I lost my daughter, she was a huge part of ME. My granddaughter needs to heal, I cant leave her in the hands of strangers without causing more damage. My marriage is strained although my husband is amazing, the financial issues are causing stress. This is such a mess. I am also working on my Master's degree and as soon as this semester is over I am going to drop and maybe pick it back up in a year or two.

Thank You For Listening

Janine

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dearest Janine,

You are so clear headed and amazing. You are going through such a heavy tragedy with the loss of your daughter, trying to give love and stability to your granddaughter, fighting through financial problems and stress and setting your personal life on hold. You are staying strong. Your granddaughter is so fortunate to have you in her life. You are in my prayers and you are not alone, Wendy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm so, so sorry for your loss and all that you are going through. Not only are you dealing with the pain of losing your daughter, but you are caring for a child that is grieving the loss of her mother. My middle child was just 3 when I lost my oldest child to a drowning accident. She missed and still misses her best friend and sister. Thankfully, she didn't have trouble sleeping because I also had a 5 month old at the time. She did grieve terribly for her sister. She got very close to me and never wanted to let me out of her sight. Is there any way you can bring her with you to Ohio and try to find a nanny to watch her during the day while you are training? Then at least you can be with her at night? I'm sure there is a reputable company that could find a good person to stay with her. I always tell people my situation and I find that they are usually very willing to help out and try to make things go smoothly. In the meantime, I will be praying for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Chars Mom,

My son told me he would take his vacation and go to Ohio with me. Now I just have to come up with the money to pay the extra for the hotel and to feed them, and gas money to get there. The company with reimburse but not pay up front. I am trying to sell everything from kids clothes to furniture. I already pawned everything of value. I feel like I have to get this job. I can do a lot of the work at night when my granddaughter is sleeping and ease her into preschool.

My granddaughter is very attached to me. I cant even go to the bathroom alone. It is hard. I want her to regain her independence. I hate the fear she has. But for now, she can come snuggle up anytime she wants to.

Im so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It just isnt the way it is supposed to be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Janine

I agree, you have a clear head.

May I suggest help from social services in your area? I know it is hard, but your priorities are in order and there is help out there.

We lost our 16 year old son, Brian in a car crash 5 years ago. Our family made it with a lot of work and talking with no judgement.

I will pray for you

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi,

I tried social services. The lady at United Way said this is the first time she could not find a resource for someone. We make too much money on paper. We will get through this. It is just hard. I just can not drop my granddaughter off at preschool in the mental state she is in. She is so afraid of losing us. She wakes us up several times each night to make sure we are alive. I have to keep telling myself its only temporary. At least we do not have to worry about food. We have a huge garden and chickens for eggs. Im selling the TV to pay the phone bill. Ugh...... I want to go to bed and stay there for a week!

Thank you all for your kinds words

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.