loosing my hero

[junglee queen]

I met Him four years ago , he was my senior in college . He has always been the charming helpful guy , I think i liked him from the first look . We were friends , but two years ago we started getting closer and we started being in a relationship . I have been diagnosed with chronic depression many years back , i was on meds and i used to get suicidal ideas most of the time . When he became a part of my life he helped me deal with depression he helped me get over the issues that caused me depression in the first place , i stopped taking meds . i became a happy positive person for the first time in my life . On the 30th of june after his shift ( he works as a doctor) he was driving back home when he ended up in a car accident he was in ICU for 4 days and then he passed away . I wasn't in the country at that time i was away for my mothers operation . I tried to force myself to believe that he will be fine , i went to get him some gifts . I prayed to every god in every religion i could think of , made so many bargains with god . Asked for my life to be taken on his behalf , asked for him to make it even if it means that he wont ever remember me after this . Nothing worked i lost him . I didnt get the chance to see him . he was already buried by the time i made it back . Our parents don't know about our relationship . only our siblings and best friends know about it , because both families are very conservative . when i was back i was introduced to the parents as one of his close friends . I was trying to help them finish paper work . i was asked to help them empty the apartment . it was difficult the apartment we chose together , the one we spent lots of good time at . I was taking his clothes from the cupboard , packing his stuff , the whole thing made me feel sick and nauseated . I think he somehow gave me the energy to do such a thing , to keep a straight face . His mother had to leave the apartment for some time and i sat there hugging his clothes and crying . I keep two of his t shirts next to me when i go to bed it has his smell . I made a memorial corner for him where i kept all the gifts he gave me over the years . one night two weeks back i started getting suicidal ideas again . Though he made me promise him to never attempt suicide ever again . It was very overwhelming . I got in touch with somebody on suicide hot line , and then i talked to a friend who promised to kill herself in 24 hours if i killed myself . Honestly that was what stopped me that night . I know the guy she is dating and he is such a sweet heart . I know how painful its to loose your love . I couldn't do that to him . later when i told my guys sister in law ,,she told me that if anything happens to me his brother would never heal . Honestly speaking his brother has been a great support, he treats me like family and he calls me lil sister . Its very painful i get crying attacks daily . I keep imagining my death scenario everyday and i enjoy planing all the small details like leaving messages to people and telling them how i felt about them . The problem is that i dont really know what to do , and i dont know anybody who went through a similar situation . Some of my friends started avoiding me . they are claiming that they are giving me my space . One of them told me to move on and find somebody else that made me really angry and i had a fight with that person . I dont know how to deal with things anymore . It keeps getting more difficult everyday .

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you've realized that suicide is not the answer and how that would hurt others you care about. Life may not seem worth living right now, but it is. May I suggest checking out a grief counselor, either as part of a group or one on one. Also browse the posts here, you may find that many of us "get it" more than you might suspect. (PS the person who told you to "move on" deserves a seriously good kick in the rear, how idiotic, but I'm sure they meant well) Best to you in this terrible time.

[catz]

Im so sorry you lost your love. Its always incredibly hard to deal with having your world turned upside down, but honestly, youre not alone in your feelings of dispair and pain. Theyre common to many of us here, so please feel free to share with us. I can particularly relate to loosing someone who acted as a sea anchor to more extreme emotions. I, too suffered from depression begore i met Alex, my fiance. I too, found someone who could help me see a way out of the black hole of depression, and like you, i lost him. Yes, you will feel that black pit open up again, just when you thought youd done with it for good. And there will be days when you just want to let go and fall, be smothered in the grey fog of depression, or the long sleep of suicide. The reason that i didnt, and wont, is promises made to Alex, that i dont intend to break. You say, your love made you promise to never resort to suicide again.......hold onto that promise, and the love that it came from, and honour it. And yes, i know, easy to say......vert hard to do....but it IS doable. Please, come here if you need to talk, or vent, or just read others stories. Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself

[junglee queen]

Thnx catz and widower 2 for your encouraging words =)