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Sharing a thought that has helped me.


LizzyW

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I had some kind of breakthrough last week, or at least it seems that way to me. I would get so sad when I looked at old pictures of Linda, or handled her things, or thought about old memories. Then it hit me out of the blue, why should these things make me sad? If Linda and I were looking at the old pictures together, or reminiscing about old times, we would be happy and laughing together. I didn't lose those memories, they are still the same as if I were sharing them with her. What I lost was time with her today and our future together, so I decided I'm not going to be sad about the past, and even smile at those happy times. It's helping, and I wanted to share this thought in the hopes it might help you too.

Bill

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That is wonderful. :) I think I may be doing that to a certain degree, although it hasn't been conscious. I can looks at the few pics I have of Mike and not cry, but instead smile. We had some great times together, and some hard times together. I sometimes wish that I could go back and erase the bad times, but it's everything that makes up a life- not just the good times, so that wouldn't be true to what our life together really was. Thanks for sharing those thoughts. :)

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I smile when I look at old pictures. I had to dig around in wedding pictures because a girlfriend of mine didn't remember being in my wedding so I had to send her a picture. It was like looking back at another life. God, my husband was so good looking!! He used to make me weak in the knees. And I was so young and so pretty. It was like looking at someone elses pictures. But it did grab at my heart. You are so right Bill, the memories are happy and should be kept that way. It is almost as if I had a visit with him.

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yall are so far ahead of me in this regard..I absolutely can't go there...went thru some for his family members and fell to pieces..so they are now in a really nice photo box, put on the bookshelf...maybe Bill I will get there someday..and you are so right...precious happy memories...but it is not going to be soon..unless you want to see my impression of a waterfall.

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I smile when I look at old pictures. I had to dig around in wedding pictures because a girlfriend of mine didn't remember being in my wedding so I had to send her a picture. It was like looking back at another life. God, my husband was so good looking!! He used to make me weak in the knees. And I was so young and so pretty. It was like looking at someone elses pictures. But it did grab at my heart. You are so right Bill, the memories are happy and should be kept that way. It is almost as if I had a visit with him.

I'm glad to hear this. It's sort of like a little ray of sunshine peeking through the storm clouds I think.

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yall are so far ahead of me in this regard..I absolutely can't go there...went thru some for his family members and fell to pieces..so they are now in a really nice photo box, put on the bookshelf...maybe Bill I will get there someday..and you are so right...precious happy memories...but it is not going to be soon..unless you want to see my impression of a waterfall.

Everybody recovers at their own pace and in their own way, please don't be concerned about your progress compared to others, or their perceived progress since nobody can know for sure. Baby steps.

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Ahead is relative.....and anyway, like OG says, its all at the individual pace...no two the same. I find i still cry when i look at pictures of Alex, even when im smiling, or even laughing. If most people could see me im sure id have a visit from the men in white coats!! For me, while i can smile remembering wonderful, fun things about him, that just brings home the fact that hes not here with me any more, and i wont hear his voice or be set giggleing by something hes said again, and that part is very sad. im hoping that some day ill be able to take pure pleasure in his pictures and remember his sense of fun, without it being seasoned with tears but i suspect that might be a long way down the track.

OG im glad that you can face those memories with a smile. Theyre precious things memories.

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I just changed my profile photo today, and this is certainly one of those happy memories. I cropped it out of a video of Christmas 1997, just last night. Linda was on the edge of getting irritated with me for getting in her face with the camera, or is trying to act like she is anyhow. I get lost in those eyes when I look at this and I think of her telling me to stop being goofy (but she loved it too). I'm a lucky man to have had such a woman in my life for so many years, the sad part is that I don't get 20 more of those years.

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I just changed my profile photo today, and this is certainly one of those happy memories. I cropped it out of a video of Christmas 1997, just last night. Linda was on the edge of getting irritated with me for getting in her face with the camera, or is trying to act like she is anyhow. I get lost in those eyes when I look at this and I think of her telling me to stop being goofy (but she loved it too). I'm a lucky man to have had such a woman in my life for so many years, the sad part is that I don't get 20 more of those years.

I had some kind of breakthrough last week, or at least it seems that way to me. I would get so sad when I looked at old pictures of Linda, or handled her things, or thought about old memories. Then it hit me out of the blue, why should these things make me sad? If Linda and I were looking at the old pictures together, or reminiscing about old times, we would be happy and laughing together. I didn't lose those memories, they are still the same as if I were sharing them with her. What I lost was time with her today and our future together, so I decided I'm not going to be sad about the past, and even smile at those happy times. It's helping, and I wanted to share this thought in the hopes it might help you too.

Bill

Dear Bill, Thank you for sharing your break through. I just loss my sweet heart, my husband, on June 2nd. I seem to be stuck on our last few weeks. We were so lucky to have one another for 14 precious years and we both wanted more time. Good suggestion to focus on the memories. I like the way YOU made a DECISION not to be sad about the past and to smile at all the happy times. I sometimes forget that we have choices on how we view these life changing events. Wendy
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Dear Bill, Thank you for sharing your break through. I just loss my sweet heart, my husband, on June 2nd. I seem to be stuck on our last few weeks. We were so lucky to have one another for 14 precious years and we both wanted more time. Good suggestion to focus on the memories. I like the way YOU made a DECISION not to be sad about the past and to smile at all the happy times. I sometimes forget that we have choices on how we view these life changing events. Wendy

Hang in there, give yourself time and opportunity to heal, at your own pace. You, and all of us here, have suffered a major catastrophic event, and it takes time to recover to anything resembling normal, and that will likely not be the same normal we knew before. Baby steps.

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junglee queen

I find it painfully difficult to look at any of his pics , read his text messages , or even watch his videos . I hope that with time i will manage to be happy while doing these things. Seeing those pics makes me realize that i wont see him again and this is really painful :( .

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yall are so far ahead of me in this regard..I absolutely can't go there...went thru some for his family members and fell to pieces..so they are now in a really nice photo box, put on the bookshelf...maybe Bill I will get there someday..and you are so right...precious happy memories...but it is not going to be soon..unless you want to see my impression of a waterfall.

I think I'm at the same point that you are. I can't look at pictures, put away his clothes or even go out to any of the places he used to take me. If anything, it seems to be getting worse.

Karen

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I think I'm at the same point that you are. I can't look at pictures, put away his clothes or even go out to any of the places he used to take me. If anything, it seems to be getting worse.

Karen

Karen, I am sorry for your loss. Surviving the loss of a life partner may be the hardest thing we ever do, I can't stand to think anything could be worse. I say surviving the loss because I don't think we ever recover completely, it's more like an adjustment to reality and it will happen in it's own way and own time for each of us, until we can settle into the new normal whatever that is going to be. One month is still a very short time, it took me that long just to walk outside the house voluntarily and that was more crawling than walking so to speak. Four months is also a very short time, compared to the almost 30 years my wife and I were together, but I do feel like I have made progress in my readjustment, often fits and starts and sliding backwards, but still progress overall. Hang in there, look hard for even the little rays of sunshine each day, listen to both your heart and mind, and keep talking about your loss with those who are accepting of it (here for example). I wish you comfort, small as it might be.

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I think I'm at the same point that you are. I can't look at pictures, put away his clothes or even go out to any of the places he used to take me. If anything, it seems to be getting worse.

Karen

My experience is that it does get worse for the first couple of months, then it seems to stablilize a little, then you start seeing a few bright spots. Not bright spots in the loss itself, but spots where you can start thinking in terms of the reality of the loss, what it means, and realizing that it is real, and that life does go on for now. I went through a pretty numb phase in month two and three, and am now getting back to the point that I can cry again. Now, the crying is not nearly so much out of desperation, but more emotionally stable and born of a fondness, rather than emotional "gutting" from the loss.

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