I feel i should apologize...

[Silvergirl61]

I sometimes get so caught up in what is happening to me, I have been unintentionally rude. I am sorry if I have offended you. I shouldn't talk so much sometimes. I think maybe talking about him, is just my desperate attempt, to keep some part of him here, and to make it seem as though he mattered . I want his life to have been more..and that he could leave this world, with only just me to think how wonderful he was seems just so much worse, somehow. A family member recently pointed out to me, that most people have tired of hearing about Den every time i am around, and what he said or did, and i see I have been terribly guilty of that here as well. I'm sorry, if I have put too much of my situation on here, and taken the focus off what you were trying to say.. I didn't mean to do that.

May you all find the peace we are searching for. Good night, and brightest blessings to you all.

[catz]

SG, i certainly dont feel that way. You have done what we all do here, which is to talk about those things that, as you say, others in our day to day lives may be tired of hearing about. Thats what this place is for hon, and while i cant speak for the others here, i know that you have often put things into words in a beautiful way that is beyond me. I thank you for that, and want to contnue reading what you have to say, for as long as you care to say it. Hearing you talk about your love makes me cry yes, but its because i can see myself and MY love in your words, and i know the feelings so well, except that you put those feelings into words better than i could. You have nothing to apologise for.

[needy]

I have never found you to be rude. SG personally I am very thankful for your posts, you are an extremely talented writer. Through your words I feel your pain. Never feel you have to apologize.

[HeyJude]

Oh my gosh, no!! You have no reason to apologize. Reading what you write about your Dennis is so beautiful. I know that you totally understand the love that I feel for my Jerry. Don't ever apologize and don't stop letting your feelings out here, okay? I depend on your posts to help me thru.

[LizzyW]

Omg, there is no need for an apology at all. I think we all want to talk about the one in our lives who made us feel complete, and there is nothing at all wrong with that. I think it helps to express these things. It helps us cope, and it helps us accept. Please don't feel like there is anything you have done which needs an apology. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad we are ALL here to share in this painful journey that we travel.

[wen]

Dear Silver Girl, I am very new. My dearest passed on June 2nd, '13 and I just read what you wrote. It all seems very natural to me that you are speaking about him most the time. My belief is that he is and always will be part of me/you. I try to read various bereavement books so as not to feel alone. C. S. Lewis wrote after he lost his wife, 'her absence is like the sky, spread over everything'. There is no need to apologize for sharing grief. Hugs to you my friend, Wen

[patsyl]

SG you have no reason to apologize I have so enjoyed reading your post so please don't stop writing, you have a special way of expressing how many of us feel but can't put into words ourselves. May we all find peace some how HUGS to all.

[OldGeek]

There is nothing right or wrong about any persons grief, and nobody has the right to tell you how you should grieve. If you suppress your feelings they will consume you and leave nothing but a shell, and you are so much better than them. Don't concede to their comments or suggestions, same something nicey-nice like, "Thank you for your advice, I will take it under consideration".

Silvergirl, there is nothing wrong with you, and I believe you will come out of this stronger and wiser. No, the loss never goes away, but in time I believe you can reach acceptance and start looking outward again. There is no timeline, it will happen when it happens. Talking to people who understand, reading about grief, seeking comfort in any spiritual believes you many have, all of those things will provide support and help carry you until you can again walk by yourself.

If your family member doesn't want to hear about Den every time you are around, well I see a very easy solution to that problem, and it's not you changing.

Bill

[mgilbertson]

Thats why we all come here. The ones that have not walked in our shoes just don't get it!!! They probably will one day though. Talk all you want, we WANT to listen. Take care~ Marti

[MissingDaniel]

SG, I totally agree with all the posts here. Keep on talking! Reading this post, like so many of your others, made me cry. I understand how you feel about Dennis and wanting his life to have meant something, and for others to understand the magnitude of his loss. I believe he was a very lucky man to have someone like you who loved him with every ounce of her being. To you, he was the most important person in the world, and this world is an emptier place without him. I say keep on honoring him with your beautiful words, and do it as much as you like and as much as you need to. That's why this forum is here!

I always knew that Daniel could have done great things if only he could have worked through his demons, and for him to be lost before he was able to do that has felt like such a waste to me, so I have a similar tendency to want to make sure he is remembered by talking about him. If people around me don't want to hear about it, they don't have to be around me. If nothing else, I can talk about him to our children - they never tire of hearing about their daddy.

Best to you

[widower2]

I would like to apologize for SG's unnecessary apology.

Really not much to add as everyone else has said it, I'm just agreeing. One thing I have heard or gotten the impression of is that people are worried they shouldn't talk about the person who is gone. For awhile initially afterwards I can see that when around those who hurt from the loss the most, but long term that is IMO doing them and the person they lost a disservice. With rare exception, people WANT to talk about their loved one! You said it yourself: it's a way of "having them still here" in a way.

[Silvergirl61]

Thanks, all of you. I probably couldn't stop talking about him, if I wanted to. I did tell the 'family" , so that there could be no misunderstanding that he was part of me then, now, and forever. Whether they heard me or not...well?

Dennis was too important to me, for me to ever forget. He was my world, and I never made any plans to be without him. He was the one person i could trust completely, with any secret of my head, or my heart, and know that he would never ever betray me, or ever intentionally hurt me. At one particular time.. I had no idea who to trust anymore..except him- because he never had let me down, and never took anyone's word over mine, ever. Something I can't say about people in my own family, or other friends I had at the time, and the only one who saw through all the craziness that had become my life...even though he hadn't actually seen me for several years. From 1800 miles away, he played hero, and rescued me from years of 'clumsy" injuries, 'accidents", and unexplained illnesses, and fear. Also from the terrible mess I had become.

Sometimes, I forget that i am supposed to take care of me, too..and he would be annoyed, that I am letting a few people try to push me into doing things I don't want to do- and worse yet..that i am letting some of the same people who have let me down many times, bother me, and that i am being dumb enough to doubt that I have the right to do what I want, and not care whether I have "the family approval" anymore.

It's funny, because I won't fight for any reason..unless someone or something threatens somebody I love dearly...and he always wanted to know why I don't love me enough to fight for myself, too. He said that was the one thing , that frustrated him the most about loving me..that i just don't have any sense of self protection, and apparently have little ego..and let others take advantage of my kind heart, my time, and my resources to the point where I will make myself ill trying to please people who won't do anything for me, ever. That he worried what would happen to me, if he wasn't able to be there- but hoped I would be strong enough now to be alright . He hoped I would remember that he loved me more than anything and the greatest thing I could do for him..was see myself like he did and take care of his brightest jewels- his girls and his wife- the three things he would die for.

I never heard those things in quite that way, before. I never thought that the situation would come..where I would ever read my husband's private journals..but he left them for me to do just that...if this ever happened, and I lost him. I no longer have any doubt, that he knew he was going to die younger than he wanted to...some of what he wrote...is so hard for me to read..but I realized while I read..that he loved me so deeply, that even though it doesn't make sense to anyone else but me...I'll love him until I die, and maybe...forever after that. That I believe there's more than this?He wasn't sure he believed it , like I do..but he was going to hope I was right. That is what I know.

Will I ever feel love for someone else? I can't say, with any certainty, either yes or no, to that question. It won't be the same, if it happens at all. I wish I could see the future in HD..it would make life easier, but i don't have that great a gift. Dennis wanted me to think over the possibility..because he wanted me to be happy- not alone and sad for years, out of some thought I was being disloyal to his memory. He said it was silly, to think he didn't know that I loved him- and that he wasn't a dog in the manager kind of guy. I laughed until I cried, at the salty sailor's advice he gave me...and the orders to not let anyone tell me what to do..other than my own heart and head! He also said that if there was an afterlife..and there was any option available for him to do it..he'd watch out for me..and try to reach me if he could..and if not..to just keep believing I will find him someplace and sometime...because he'll love me forever.

He wrote some silly things, some very sad things..and some deeply profound things down. I haven't read all of it..and maybe never will.. but he actually gave me permission to do whatever i like with them..they are now mine to do with as I like, just like all the other things he left behind. I knew he had written down all his last wishes..I just didn't know where they were...and now I do. I have to write down something like this for my kids..because I had no idea how important it would be to have some idea of what another person thought..until I lost someone I knew would always be there...and I wanted to hear them just one more time....