6 months and crushing the air from me

[Sammijo2424]

Next week my husband will be gone 6 months, and wow, it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. The past week I am back to crying every day, numerous times a day, I miss him terribly, I am finding I want to AGAIN shut myself off from other people, everything I do is a battle in my mind, no, yes, I Ned to go, I don't want to, and this battle lasts for at least an hour before I do anything, it is exhausting. Most times I just pray and pray for God to take me, but he won't, at least not for the moment. I have found going to the gym helps, now I am going almost every day, but then I have that battle to make myself. Some things have happened with step kids that almost just pushed me into ending it, but don't worry, I did not (as you can see) and will not, of course it was about money, the root of all evil. Everything in my house just keeps breaking, needing fixed and making all these decisions by myself, well, sometimes just way too much to handle and I keep putting important things off cause much of the time I just don't know what to do, and heck, I was the one who always took care of that stuff.

Next week I purposely planned a trip out of country with 2 of my daughters. I have found I am just not comfortable in my old church so checking out other ones, I had to just take a break from church altogether because I cried so much every service, I kept seeing husbands coffin up there in my mind. My pain just feels so fresh again and now I can't pretend he is coming back, that he is at work or fishing. I see a counselor every 2 weeks, it helps a lot, I highly recommend it if you can find the right one. I won't end this life because I have 3 daughters, grown, but who still need me, 5 grand babies that I really want to see grow up, I know he waits for me, sometimes I still feel him around me, comforting me, sometimes I feel so alone and so separate from him. I am trying to find who I am, my new niche in this new horrible life. I just miss him so much and this hurts worse than any of the pain I have ever experienced. I am not sure anything could ever compare to being left behind to live this life all alone. I can't sleep again and believe me I take meds to sleep.

Just putting all this into words has made me feel a teeny bit better. . I just feel like the 6 month mark is looming down on me and crushing the air Out of me

[catz]

Im glad that expressing this has helped, at least a little. I can really understand how you feel, cos i find the way that you can suddenly feel like youre right back at the beginning of this whole horrific process, more than a little distressing . My cousellor tells me that it gets a little less severe each time it happens, tho i dont see it. She assures me she sees the change even in the time shes been seeing me however so i guess i have to take her word for it. All i know is that once again i feel bereft and sad and teary all the time again. I came to a bit of a revelation today. Ive been feeling vaguely anxious, like im waiting for something to happen..... and i suddenly realised, 14 weeks along, KNOWING what i do.....im still waiting for Alex to come home, and i dont know how to stop, how to tell my heart what my head aleeady knows. Its so hard, and i can so understand what you say about feeling alone and seperate Sammijo. (((Hugs)))

[Caremal]

Hang in there the 6 month mark was hard for me as well. Time will help it to be easier to deal with.

[MissingDaniel]

Catz, I know exactly what you mean about the waiting. I was sitting at home last night, and thinking about how things still feel so empty, and how it feels like I am just marking time, waiting for something. And I know that somewhere inside, regardless of me knowing better, I am still waiting for him to come home. I wonder if that ever stops.

SammiJo, I hope you enjoy your trip with your daughters and that it somehow gets you through this next difficult week. It's hard feeling like you are starting the process all over again from the beginning, but I think we have all found ourselves in that place more than once. Wishing you some healing....

[Sammijo2424]

My daughter and 3 grand babies have come for a 2 day visit, thank the Lord. Before they got here was looking around house and realized how dead the whole house feels! For today it feels alive again.

[Theinvisiblewoman]

Sammijo, I understand how you feel, the 1st Anniversary of my husband's death is looming over me like a big black cloud. It is just a few weeks away yet I feel as raw today as I did the day he took his life. I don't think time heals. I wish I had some comforting words of wisdom but I don't. Just to say though that you are not alone and your feelings are completely normal after such a devastating loss. I hope today with your visitors has managed to bring a little light back into your life.

[HeyJude]

I can really relate to this. I've been doing the same thing, trying to convince myself that he is coming home or the phone is going to ring... something, anything. I can't even phathom living anymore without him. Just my luck Ill live to be 95. This just totally sucks ya know it?

[Sammijo2424]

Today marks 6 months since I lost my precious husband, love of my life. Woke up at 3am, same time I got woke up seeing him in respiratory distress, right about now I got him in the truck to go to ER. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be all alone at this age. I so agree with Jude, this totally sucks, I hate this life. Saturday I leave with my dtrs for trip, it should me and him, so hard to enjoy this traveling without him. I have been around death for years, took care of terminally ill patients for years, was with so many as they departed this life yet it is so hard to understand how he can just be gone, how does time keep marching alone without him, i just dont get how i cant understand it. I have been thinking the last few days things like...6 months ago we were doing this...life can just change in a blink of an eye. I just so hope he is happy, I know he is not feeling the anguish I am feeling but I often wonder if he asks where I am, or what is he doing now, he could never stand if I was out of town visiting daughters, he could not handle being alone. I thought I enjoyed my me time (he worked shift work) but I don't like it, I don't enjoy this much alone time

[wen]

So glad you are planning a trip. I am doing the same, need to change the scenery. He is always with me: pain and some sweetness because he showed me what love is and brought out good qualities in myself. I never felt like a true woman or whole person until we lived together. Like yourself I miss him terribly but part of me is still numb so maybe I can handle things a little better. I have battles in my head, too, my demons. Hard to focus and to think clearly. I read so not to feel so alone. CS Lewis wrote that 'grieving is part of the deal when you love someone'. You are in terrible pain because your love went so deep. Thank you for expressing yourself... "sometimes I feel him around me, sometimes I feel so alone." It rings so true. I treasure the times I feel him around me; I believe that it is his spirit reaching out to me. I have found some bereavement groups that start in the fall. Have you thought of joining one? It is wonderful that your daughters love and need you. Sending you hugs..

[kags]

Hello all. I am glad I have found this forum to vent out my emotions. Tomorrow it will be one month since I lost my dear wife. She would have turned 31 at the end of October. I have lost other close relatives in the past, including my own dad when I was 13 but none of it compares to what I feel now. Our daughter is now 1 1/2 years old and I guess I will now have to raise her alone. In the last two weeks, I have had a couple of panic attacks , especially at night. I cannot help but recall that fateful day when she came to me (It was at around 11.00 pm and was asleep after a hard day's work), and informed me that she was not feeling well. She seemed confused and anxious (Which is common, I am made to understand, with patients who have a thyroid condition). She had seen her personal physician earlier that day, and was scheduled for another appointment the next day). All over a sudden, she started throwing up, and constanlty requested for drinking water. She also claimed to fell very cold then all over a sudden, state that she was feelign very hot. Our daughter was by now crying and confused, as was I. I called a cab and by the time help arrived, she was already incoherent, and had started having convulsions. She was taken straight to the ICU and put on an oxygen mask as she was unconcious. She never woke up. We lost her within 10 hours. I may have put on a very brave face during that day, and the subsequent mourning period but on the day of her funeral, I broke down and cried for her. Friends and relatives have been very supportives though, but none of them can comfort me enough. I still cherish the love that we shared. She used to call be swettie always, and loved me unconditionally. I am almost moved to tears, even as I write this. However, I have to be really strong, as our beautiful daughter looks up to me now. Many are the days when I imagine that I too, could die suddenly, possibly of a hert attack and leave our daughter all alone at night. Who woudl take care of her, I keep asking myself. I will have to book for counselling sessions, as the panic attacks seems to be getting the better of me. God has a purpose for all of us and I know he has good plans for me and our daughter. I shall not fault God for any of this, or for my becoming a widower while still so young, but I will be thankful that at least we shared a couple of years together. My daughter is even more closer to me now than before, and I am glad at how she is coping. She may be too young to fathom what has transpired, but I know deep down, she may have questions, only that she does not know how to ask them. I trust that by the time she comes of age, I shall have the courage to celebrate the life of her mother with her, and let her know that she was, and always remains, the darling of her late mom.

[OldGeek]

Hello all. I am glad I have found this forum to vent out my emotions. Tomorrow it will be one month since I lost my dear wife. She would have turned 31 at the end of October. I have lost other close relatives in the past, including my own dad when I was 13 but none of it compares to what I feel now. Our daughter is now 1 1/2 years old and I guess I will now have to raise her alone. In the last two weeks, I have had a couple of panic attacks , especially at night. I cannot help but recall that fateful day when she came to me (It was at around 11.00 pm and was asleep after a hard day's work), and informed me that she was not feeling well. She seemed confused and anxious (Which is common, I am made to understand, with patients who have a thyroid condition). She had seen her personal physician earlier that day, and was scheduled for another appointment the next day). All over a sudden, she started throwing up, and constanlty requested for drinking water. She also claimed to fell very cold then all over a sudden, state that she was feelign very hot. Our daughter was by now crying and confused, as was I. I called a cab and by the time help arrived, she was already incoherent, and had started having convulsions. She was taken straight to the ICU and put on an oxygen mask as she was unconcious. She never woke up. We lost her within 10 hours. I may have put on a very brave face during that day, and the subsequent mourning period but on the day of her funeral, I broke down and cried for her. Friends and relatives have been very supportives though, but none of them can comfort me enough. I still cherish the love that we shared. She used to call be swettie always, and loved me unconditionally. I am almost moved to tears, even as I write this. However, I have to be really strong, as our beautiful daughter looks up to me now. Many are the days when I imagine that I too, could die suddenly, possibly of a hert attack and leave our daughter all alone at night. Who woudl take care of her, I keep asking myself. I will have to book for counselling sessions, as the panic attacks seems to be getting the better of me. God has a purpose for all of us and I know he has good plans for me and our daughter. I shall not fault God for any of this, or for my becoming a widower while still so young, but I will be thankful that at least we shared a couple of years together. My daughter is even more closer to me now than before, and I am glad at how she is coping. She may be too young to fathom what has transpired, but I know deep down, she may have questions, only that she does not know how to ask them. I trust that by the time she comes of age, I shall have the courage to celebrate the life of her mother with her, and let her know that she was, and always remains, the darling of her late mom.

Kags, I'm so sorry for your loss. We all grieve differently, but I also experienced many of the same feelings you describe. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling, feelings can't be categorized as right or wrong. All I can say is take it one day at time, or even one hour at a time, and eventually you will see that the pain is a little easier, and the memories may stop hurting as bad. I don't think we ever completely recover from a loss like this, and even those little steps of recovery may trigger guilt, but I believe we will survive this and go on to find a new normal, an alternate happiness even.

I think it's important not to accept what anybody else tells you about what you should be feeling or doing, but here are a few suggestions that might help. Counseling is helpful to many, as is talking about your feelings here or in a local support group if one exists. Reading books on grief can also be helpful, especially if you are the analytical type. One that I am reading now and has been helpful to me is called "Grieving: How to go on living when someone you love dies" by Therese Rando. It's an older book, published in 1988, but still very relevant today. There are many good books on grieving, as well as some absurd books, you can sort those out I'm sure.

Good luck in your journey, and a journey it is, with no road map or sign posts, but many co-travelers along the way who will share the load if you ask.

Bill

[catz]

im so sorry kags. Loosing someone is always traumatic.....when theyre as close as a partner or spouse, well.....it can turn the world upside down and inside out. i cant advise you any better than OG already has. Some form of counselling is very worth it, or a bereavement group if there is such a thing where you are. One other thing is, please dont hide your feelings from your daughter. Ok , so you dont want to be screaming with rage whilst sobbing your heart out in front of a small child (yes, i have done that and more), but i think its important that she sees that you are grieving, because young as she is, shes mourning too. Yes it may worry her......if it does, you hug her, and tell her the truth. "its ok hon, but daddy just misses mummy very much" but i think its important to see that her mother meant the world to you. And you may think that shes very young and wont understand. Youd be surprised what kids retain from that age. And yes, you will get the "where is she? why did she leave?" later on but youll get that anyhow, and the answers im afraid, are ones only you can give. But for her to be able to deal with grief in her own later life, its important that she sees that sadness is a part of it and that strong people are allowed to be sad too.

Anyway, thats just the way i feel, do feel free to ignore me. One thing i will say is be careful to take care of yourself....its very easy to get wrapped up in details in order to stop thinking and not remember things like eating and sleeping. Unfortunately youre at the beginning of a long road...how long, i dont think anyone can tell you, but try to have faith that we'll all get there in the end. (wherever there may be for you)