Feeling Guilty While Grieving My Sister

[anasg180]

My younger sister died a little under 3 months ago in a tragic accident. She was 20 and it was a month after my 22nd birthday. We were like most siblings, close but drove each other crazy. We are very different people and so didn't get along as children (often bickered but still played together) but as adults, were just coming into a new relationship where we would spend time with each other and have coffee dates and set aside time to enjoy each other's company. She was also engaged to be married in a year and I was her maid of honour.

I'm really struggling with a lot guilt right now. Some survivor guilt but mostly guilt over our relationship. Days before she died, she and I got into a fight over the dumbest thing. The fight was entirely my fault and I apologized the next day and she forgave me and we moved forward, but it is hard for me to deal with the memory of that fight. I know all was forgiven and we were chatting lots and planning our next movie date in the days leading up to her passing but I still have residual feelings of guilt. I'm having a hard time convincing myself that she knew how much I love her and how much she has always meant to me, particularly since most of the arguments/disagreements we had over the last while were due mostly to my poor reactions to things and stressors I was undergoing. I keep trying to remind myself that our relationship was complex and both the fights and the love are what made it wonderful, but it is hard when you think you didn't deserve the amazing sister you had. I just wish I had taken the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to me before her passing - I was saving it for the speech at her wedding...

Anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with or address this type of guilt?

[ModKonnie]

Ansg180, I am very sorry about the loss of your sister. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm sure she knew you loved her. Your relationship with her sounds strong and loving.

One way you may be able to help deal with the guilt is to write your sister and tell her everything you want to say to her. Tell her how you feel and anything you've always wanted to say.

Some people hold ceremonies after they finish their letters, while others light those letters on fire with a candle or campfire and "let go" of any struggles, guilt, anger, fear, or other emotions.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie