Feeling like I just want to shut the world out…

[andysgirl]

My boyfriend passed just over 6 months ago and all of a sudden I feel like I am on a grief “timetable” with people in my life, mostly my family. Like I need to start on the path to healing – how can the healing start when I haven’t even accepted the fact that he’s gone? I just don’t understand what people want from me. I am seeing a grief therapist, attending a support group, seeing a naturopath and taking recommended supplements - I just don’t understand why it can’t just be ok that I’m sad! It makes me want to stop talking to the whole lot of them.

What right do they have to tell me to just try harder and find something positive to focus on and that he would want me to be happy, well I know he would want me to be happy and he made me happy but then he died. So really what he wants is irrelevant to me at the moment. Plus how can I ever be happy again without going through this process? Maybe if they were here and saw/talked/checked in on a regular basis they would see how hard the day-to-day activities are sometimes the hardest.

My sister said I was shutting people out – she emails maybe once per month. I told her I respond when people call/text/email so what more does she want? This was after I took offense and got snappy with her after she asked “how come” a few times when I would say that I’m not doing well. Like why do you think? I apologized for being snappy and told her that I needed to be more upfront about what I needed and told her I needed her to check in more along with a few other things. That was almost a week ago and no response. My other sister who lives within a 4 hour driving distance and has yet to come see me says she’s finding it hard to “negotiate” a time to come see me with her kids and husband.

It makes me feel worthless. That in my time of need people can’t put aside their own crap or stop making it about them and just be here FOR ME. I feel angry and I want to share less and less with them when they ask. Feel like I just don’t want to see or talk to any of them because it makes me so angry. My boyfriend used to get upset about how people would walk all over me and how I was always the one making the plans and trying to please everyone and how no one ever did the same for me. It’s upsetting to see that in his death he was so very right.

I expected more of people - I guess that was wrong of me. My therapist says I need to lower my expectations. I am just sad that this is the case given the circumstances.

I hate this. Dealing with grief is a very lonely place.

Thank you for listening.

[patsyl]

thisishard, It is ok that you are still sad. We all grieve in our own time and I think until you have gone through a loss like we have there is no way to understand how incredible hard it is or how long it will take for us to ever be truly happy again if ever. It's going on nine months for me and I am trying to move on with life although it's done with a heavy heart. this is a great forum to come to and vent or or just express how you are feeling everyone here is so understanding. I hope your days get better soon. Hugs

[LizzyW]

_{Yes, grief is a very lonely place, no doubt. It's really something that you must go through at your own pace. That being said, I figure that the people who love and care about you are honestly trying to help, and they have trouble seeing you so sad a lonely. I don't blame you for wanting to just withdraw, as that seems to be a common response to this type of pain. Nobody is asking you to forget him, or act like you don't hurt, but I would guess that they want to see you smile from time to time, and join in with the rest of the world because they worry about you so much. This is something that you will have to decide how much time it takes, and you will have to go at your own pace, but just try to understand that people worry about you and care about you. It's a good thing to have people who care about your wellbeing. Best wishes, and please feel free to join in with us in talking about our journeys on this lonely road.}

[widower2]

I am seeing a grief therapist, attending a support group, seeing a naturopath and taking recommended supplements - I just don’t understand why it can’t just be ok that I’m sad!

Well it is, of course. They just don't get that.

What right do they have to tell me to just try harder and find something positive to focus on and that he would want me to be happy,

None, really - but to be fair they are probably just trying to be helpful, even though they aren't. Hard as it may be, try to keep their intent in mind.

well I know he would want me to be happy and he made me happy but then he died. So really what he wants is irrelevant to me at the moment. Plus how can I ever be happy again without going through this process?

You can't. You have to grieve and as you say, go through it. Believe me you sound perfectly "normal" (assuming there is such a thing in all this).

got snappy with her after she asked “how come” a few times when I would say that I’m not doing well.

Good grief. What a stupid question! She probably didn't realize how it came off though.

My other sister who lives within a 4 hour driving distance and has yet to come see me says she’s finding it hard to “negotiate” a time to come see me with her kids and husband.

Oh God, not one of these people who has to "negotiate" everything :gag:

It makes me feel worthless.

Don't let it! I'm sorry if your family is handling this poorly, but that doesn't reflect on you. And really, it's VERY common for people to badly handle a situation like this that someone close is going through.

My boyfriend used to get upset about how people would walk all over me and how I was always the one making the plans and trying to please everyone and how no one ever did the same for me. It’s upsetting to see that in his death he was so very right.

I can't speak to that, but if so, it sounds like you're already making real strides in changing that - and in that way, he is I think "helping" you, if you see what I mean. And crazy as it might sound, that means something positive can come out of this terrible thing (I used to think "how can anything positive come out of this" but it's true).

I expected more of people - I guess that was wrong of me.

Maybe, but MANY of us learn the hard way that our REASONABLE expectations of people are often not met in a time like this. Sorry that you had to.......

I hate this. Dealing with grief is a very lonely place.

It is. But hopefully this place can help - and consider a group counseling thing (where others get together and discuss stuff like this).

Best to you!

[andysgirl]

thank you everyone for your words. I do know that they are trying to help but I think this whole thing has just unsurfaced other issues with my family and given my current state it's just making me feel worse. I've told them what I've needed as best I can because some days I don't even know what that is and have apologized if I've been snappy as I know it's out of character for me but then the responses I get back are equally as frustrating. Like they are scolding me like a bad puppy for being snappy and not to do that. Well I know I shouldn't have which is why I apologized. so now I just feel like every time I say something I have to say sorry because my normal filter of thinking before you speak is not working so well right now.

I don't want to shut them out but I feel like I am reaching my limit with them and even though I've told them what I've needed as best I can I still hear the frustration in their voices/texts etc. Like they don't know what else to say. I don't know what to say either but I don't feel comfortable sharing it with them anymore.

I have just started going to a support group and they have all had similar experiences so it's a good sounding board but it's still just upsetting.

I realize I am the problem and they don't know what to do with me but I just wanted some more compassion or something, a little bit of leniency. I don't understand why it's ok for other people in my family to treat people like crap but when I am going through a tough time and sometimes say things I don't mean out of grief I am deserving of a "talking to".

This too shall pass I guess.

[catz]

awww hon, YOU are not the problem, and really neither is your family. The problem is, that people today in modern life are never taught what to do in these situations. Instead of being told that we need to listen, to just BE there, to keep being there even when its tough, what do we teach?

that we have to FIX things.....that to help the bereaved person you have to encourage them to "get on with life".....that its ok to be sad for a bit, but sadness isnt "productive"...that we have to "cheer up" a sad person.......*sigh* compassion unfortunately isnt seen as a "get ahead" quality in modern life

its so sad to see the hurt in both sets of eyes.....families who dont know any better than to try to "buck you up a bit". and the person who is lost and hurting who just wants someone to take the time to sit with them and listen.

Im sorry that your family cant do that for you.... i know the feeling. I have no family and if it wasnt for my weekly counselling sessions i think i really WOULD go round the bend. Talking about these traumas is a need, and im glad you at least have a group you can express things to. Make use of it....talk, talk and then talk some more.....cry and rant if you need to. As for other situations surfacing....yes trauma has that effect. All i can say is, you already have one trauma to deal with.......try to stick at that for the time being,

Try to be gentle on yourself and be gentle on them too......theyre doing their best too as they see it im sure, and even if some arent....save your energy for YOU. After all you need it. Oh, and when you need to rant about something, be it family or anything else, or just talk, we're always here, ready to listen. Take care.

[brucealmighty]

thisishard,

Your name says it all. It IS hard. I have a special place in my heart for fellow girlfriends (no offense at all to the wives/fiances, it's just that sometimes as only the "girlfriend" we have a harder time establishing our presense as their significant other after they are gone).

First off, you are doing everything right. You are TRYING. You are seeing people, and doing everything you can, or what society thinks you should be doing to help get you out of the mud you are in. Have you thought about seeing a doctor and trying anti-depressents, only as a way to help get you through? I know you are taking natural supplements. Can I tell you something? IT IS OKAY THAT YOU ARE SAD. Do not let anyone - family member, friend, or co-worker - tell you that it's not okay to be sad, because guess the freakin' what.... you should be sad. You lost your love. A death is not the same thing as a break-up, people.

Your sister might be right. Maybe you are shutting people out. Sometimes that's okay though. Sometimes you need to. Sometimes you know ho wyou will act in a social setting. Who wants to be the drak cloud in the room? At least you are aware of it. Don't shut everyone out, however, but you'll feel when that time is when you want to talk/text/call someone.

Remember that only YOU know what you are going through, and only YOU know of your relationship with your boyfriend. How can anyone else act like they know what it was like to lose him? You were the only other person in that relationship... not them.

IT'S OKAY TO BE ANGRY. My advice is not to break anything in your apartment/house though, as silly is that sounds. Go by some cheap dishes and go to the woods, do it there. Be angry. You have every right to be. And don't worry about what other people think. This is about you and your healing process, and guess what people (directed to everyone else in your life) it takes more than six freakin' lousy months to get over someone you were in love with.

My best advice.... hang in there. You will feel alone, not because you don't have people that don't want to help you- but because as I mentioned, YOU an you alone were the only other person in that relationship. You will want to shut people out, but stay here and stay strong. Wear his shirts, smell his cologne, look at those pictures, cry your freakin' eyes out... but keep waking up and starting your day over again, the way he would have wanted you to.

My boyfriend died in a car accident ten weeks ago tonight, and I miss him every moment.