You climb ladders,and slide down snakes

[catz]

and ive hit another snake. But im tired of playing this insane game snakes and ladders. No one asked me if i wanted to play anyway, and im sick of ending up right back at the beginning every time!

I was clearing some clothes. Yes, i was crying....i wasnt expecting it to be particularly easy, and i was right, it wasnt....but nothing that i wasnt expecting, until i found one thing. I wanted to clear Alexs clothes from off his chair, where i guess i left them, not that i remember. Anyway, i was clearing and sorting the things when i found Alexs T shirt, cut down the middle by the paramedics on that horrible day. The shirt he was wearing when he died. I lost it.....i just curled in on myself, clutching that ruined shirt and sobbed like i did that day. Ever since ive been......i cant describe it......like the world is out there, and im locked in a glass bubble, locked in here with my misery and tears, my loss and my grief again. I dont know how many times i can break out of this....im just so bloody tired. I just want him back. I miss him so much.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry catz - have had similar moments. I do think you will have him back......one day. What sucks is that day is probably a long ways off, and meanwhile we have this business of living life. You know you can vent or PM any of us etc any time, for what it's worth. I know this is a dumb way to put this but "hang in there" - you CAN survive this.

[LizzyW]

I'm so sorry catz, and wish I could help. It seems that every little thing that once seemed insignificant, serves as a reminder in one way or another. We will eventually integrate all this into our lives, and live with it peacefully, but it comes in starts and stops, and ups and downs, until the rough patches level out to tolerable. One step at a time, hon. One step at a time. Thinking of you............

[brucealmighty]

:-(

Do you ever light candles? Have you ever taken out his picture, played a song that reminds you of him, put on one of his t-shirts or bring out other things of his, light a candle, and just cry? I can't imagine having to see my boyfriend's bloody or ripped up clothing. I did see the items in his wallet - stained with blood. That's not an image that is going to ever leave my head. I'm so sorry, LizzyW. One of the psychologist's advice to me was that we cannot get them back, but what we can try to do is get them back and keep them in our hearts. I hated hearing it at the time because the only good enough answer for me is how do we get him back? But I guess that's it... all we can do... try and find a way to bring them into our hearts. And no, it's not as easy as everyone thinks and wants it to be. So sorry that you had to experience that awful pain of that day again in such a horrible way...

[MissingDaniel]

Oh Catz, bless your heart. I can only imagine how that felt for you. Another way for reality to hit you in the face, I guess....

We had an emotional day at my house yesterday as well. My youngest (7) decided she wanted to watch the memorial video from her daddy's funeral. I had put her off a few times because I am not ready to watch it. But when I noticed she had gotten her daddy's picture down and was sitting in the chair staring at it, I decided I should let her watch it if that's what she wanted. She couldn't figure out how to start the DVD by herself, so I had to go back into the room to start it for her, and as soon as I heard the music I lost it and went to my bedroom and shut the door. My older daughter (11) happened to hear the music because she turned the volume up, and went in the living room to see the video playing. She got so upset and started yelling at her sister, turned the TV off, and ran crying to her room. The little one started crying because the TV was off and her sister was mad at her, so then I had to go comfort both of them. It was quite a scene. Finally, my daughter and I went back in our rooms and shut our doors so the little one could finish watching the video.

Funny how one little DVD can cause such turmoil. But we were just not ready to see the pictures or hear the music - it takes me right back to the day of his funeral, and the sight of him in his casket, and it's not something I feel ready to handle. Still, I felt bad for getting so upset, because it seemed to mean a lot to my younger daughter. So many triggers.....

Wishing you a better day, and hoping you avoid any more snakes.

[needy]

Sending you one big hug "catz"!!!!

MissingDaniel a few weeks ago I had a family meeting with my kids and it turned out to be a screaming match as well. There are just some things we are not ready for. Sounds like you and your girls experienced the same thing. If your one daughter needs to watch the ceromonmy that is fine but can she watch it on a lap top with head phones?

[MissingDaniel]

Yes, I suppose in the future that's how I will need to handle it. I didn't realize my older daughter was going to respond the way she did. She responds to things much like I do - more like an adult.

I was already on edge anyway, so that probably didn't help. I had one voicemail on my phone from my husband that I had saved, and I was an idiot and had not backed it up. My phone got wet last week and it ruined it, and it turned out the voicemail got lost. So I had already had a breakdown about that. But I did manage to pull all the pictures and videos off my phone, and when I looked through them today, I found there were a whole group of videos that had my husband's voice on them, and some of them were of him, that I had forgotten I had. So I still have his voice recorded somewhere. That was such a relief to me!

Sending you good wishes - hope your next therapy appointment goes through and is helpful to you

[Silvergirl61]

I have to say, that's one of the most accurate ways i have ever heard this described...snakes and ladders....

Catz, they handed me my Dennis' shirt and jeans at the hospital..and i carried that ruined shirt with me, all through the horrible hours, waiting for them to tell me what I already knew..that he was gone, and that there wasn't any hope.... I brought it home, folded it carefully, and put it under my pillow...and I know that some people would say it's unhealthy and a sign i can't let go(because they have.) I still wear his wedding band and his bracelet..because I can't stand to leave it in a cold dark box. He wore it all the days we were together, and he only took it off for medical tests, and had me wear it then..and i put it on..and it took me months to take his watch off. When I did..I linked it with my matching one, and it lays on the shelf next to the urn, and that's where they will both stay. I put all his clothes in a large tote, and it sits at the foot of my bed..unopened, unsorted, and untouched, until I feel like dealing with it. I run across notes he wrote to me, or cards I saved, and put away. Will I ever let these things go? I don't know, but I doubt it. Can I ever let go of his memory, or the memory of the life we had together? Can i ever stop missing him, and wishing I could see him again? Just simply, no. I can't, and I won't, and I don't have to. He was the sun, the moon, and all the stars, and without him.. I can sometimes not even find a glimmer in the darkness anymore...until I pull out a memory...and at those times, the memory seems stronger and more real than the life I am trying to live here and now. And yes, at those times, I light a candle, and I cry..until the pain recedes enough I can get up and walk..feebly maybe, and slowly..as though i have suffered a terrible injury. The dark days have come to stay, and they are a part of me now...but sometimes.. I let myself hope, that someday...I'll find a way back to him again...and with it, peace. And in the most terrible times, when the missing him is so raw... I put my face on that shirt...and I just cry. If something doesn't happen to it between now and then..I'll still be holding that shirt..when they send me through so they can mix my ashes with his. That's my answer to the "but you're still young" people....and it's almost a year. But today feels like it was only a few minutes ago....or maybe forever.

[HeyJude]

Yep, it does feel like it just happened. It feels like that every single day. I went and put fresh flowers on his grave this weekend and that always does me in for several days. I just can't believe it, it just won't become acceptance. I hate this so much. I never was good at being alone. It has always been one of my biggest fears even though I have always been the more dominent personality in our marriage. A few years ago I was bed ridden, severly depressed because I could not get the thought out of my head of what in the world would I do if my husband and my mother both passed and I was left, truly alone. Well, now that is happening. My husband is gone. I don't want to live without him damnit!! He is on my mind 24/7.

This is just so not fair!!! We went through so much, with his heart/kidney transplant. Every year he would pass his annual physical with flying colors, his heart was perfect. So why did he die??? And just 9 yrs after the surgeries?? There are a lot of people who's health isn't near as good as his was and they are still alive 20 some years later. Why did he have to die?? I honestly blame the insurance company. He'd been in intensive care for 4 months, the bills were way over a million dollars. I think the insurance company told them to move him to a cheaper hospital, which they did. When he had been stable for a few weeks they moved him to rehab and the second night there he died. I just don't get it.

I've been sliding down the snake for 8 months now, does it ever stop while we are alive??

[needy]

I know it is difficult. I go from acceptance right back to anger and grief. We still don't know the cause of death, and that part is so hard. This day and age why don't they know how my husband died? What if it is genetic and my kids have it?? I try and try to not think about that "snake". I try and try to climb that ladder. To find something that will fill the void. Maybe I am trying to hard or not hard enough. Why is it so hard to fill the void??

[catz]

yeah, some days its so close....like it only happened yesterday. Other days i can almost put a distance to it, but then that whole sense of disbelief kicks in and i have to stop and convince myself that it DID happen. Thats the trouble......the only times i feel ok, its cos somewhere in the back of my head is the thought that hes at home, just like always, and reminding myself of the truth, of my new reality, just throws me for a loop again. That this is reality is just a sad joke really. I spent a long time alone before i met Alex, and thought id never have a special person in my life. To have found that,for us both to have persevered thru all the tough times, only to have it snatched away, not only from me but from him too........well thats just wrong.

SG, i got some funny looks when i told people i wanted to keep that shirt too. Probably because they saw how i reacted to it when i found it. Thats different tho, cos i wasnt expecting it. It was the shock more than anything else that knocked me off balance.......not that my balance is that good these days. And yes, often the memories are more real than the sham life that im living. THAT was when i was really alive, not now.THAT was colour, this is black and white.

Jude *hugs* i dont know when or if it stops. All i know is that we have to roll the dice and move where it tells us for good or ill. I hope, for all our sakes that it gets less sharp, that it eventually cuts less deep and we bleed less in time, but i dont know. We have to take it on faith that others have survived and so can we. And know that our loved ones, really wouldnt want us to be so tortured, tho im sure theyd also understand cos im sure if it was reversed and it was them here, theyd also be lost.

Needy, i guess its cos that void has a special shape and no one else can fill it. I think the trick is less filling the existing space, than making space for something new/different. And ofc it will be different, and personally i think thats the scariest part of it all. All the familiar is gone, this is new territory, just when i thought i had a map for things the world has turned upside down and the rules have changed, which is deeply unfair. But theres only two options here....keep playing and hope for better times ahead or even for tolerable ones, knowing that i have those who rely on me, or quitting the game, and trust me i know how tempting that is sometimes. But i guess ill keep rolling the dice.....i dont really know why other than i have promises to keep. Once theyre fulfilled, who knows? im not looking that far ahead......in fact im only looking at my next step so i dont fall. Plans are for those who see a future....a REAL future, not just continued existance, and i dont right now. This place has helped tho, cos it showed me that even when i dont care, others do. I hope we can continue holding onto hope for each other cos as we all know, sometimes we dont have any in our hearts.

I wish i could hug each and every one of you out there. This will have to do ((((hugs)))) take care of yourselves

[Silvergirl61]

And from me, too {{{HUGS)))) to all of you! Such a wise choice of words, Catz. "Others have made it , so we can , too".

Jude,Lizzy, Needy, W2, Bruce, and Missing Daniel...all of you have also said things on this thread , that make me very glad i found my way here. None of us is really alone, and usually friends can be found to listen and care -a post away.