struggling

[PJ Grandma]

I just joined today. It has been 14 weeks since my granddaughter passed. She was never supposed to survive her birth but managed to stay with us for just over 7 years. There have been so many losses for me although her's was the only death. I'm struggling to find a way to cope with everything. I recently had visits with my other grand daughter taken away. Her mom and dad have been so angry with my husband and I since the loss of their child (my granddaughter). My gd was sick for the last year and a half of her life. Somewhere in the last 10 months our family structure fell apart and now I am trying to cope with the death of one granddaughter and the inability to have any contact with my daughter, her husband and my remaining granddaughter. I cannot get any info from them as to what I did wrong. Friends and family have told me that I didn't do anything wrong, they are just trying to deal with thier grief and it is coming out as anger towards me. I'm not so sure. I just want to be able to share my grief with them and have them be able to do the same. I know I cannot make that happen so I am left trying to figure out what to do. How do I deal with all of the hurt and guilt and shame I feel. My husband is trying so hard to help me but he is struggling with his own feeling towards all his losses. I don't know where to start. Do I deal with all the crap that happened to me in the 2 months before gd's passing, do I deal with her passing, or do I deal with all the stuff that's happened since (my mother and brother had life threatening situations). Any advice would be most welcome. I have an appointment to see a counsellor but they won't be able to help me if I don't know what I need.

[Jeff's Mom]

First of all...I am sorry for your losses. I would like to say that you should not jump to the gun that a counsellor would not be able to help you. Many times it is very helpful to be able to discuss personal issues with a person that is impartial to the situation. You ask if you should deal with any of these situations. It is important to understand that you can not mesh them into one issue. You have all had a lot of heartache and are feeling it to the core. You need to be open and honest with each other in a caring way and show that you are there to help each other through this loss. Keep that appt. and look on it as a place to open up openly and honestly about how you are truly feeling. Good luck.

[PJ Grandma]

Thank you for your response.

I am hopeful that the counsellor will be able to quide me with where to start desling with all the losses. Yesterday was a really bad day, I'm doing better today. I've gotten somewhat used to the waves of emotion washing over me but yesterday was like a sunami. My family seems to be tired of listening to me "whine" so that's why I ended up posting on here. I've noticed that lots of peole like to go to the cemetary to do plot clean up and visit. Most of my family thinks I'm just prolonging the grief but I enjoy the quiet. When my granddaughter first passed a palliative care social worker asked if I was having trouble sleeping and when I said I had trouble falling asleep because that's when my grief hit me hardest, she suggested I do something to remind me of my granddaughter earlier in the evening. As I was already going to visit her in her "park" my husband and I decided we would go visit her, put out carrots for the rabbits that like to hang out by her, go for a walk and feed the birds that stay in the 2 ponds on the cemetary grounds. This helps me so much. I was raised to think that when a person passed you should just move on and try to put them in your past. I never was very good at that, it just didn't feel right and it didn't work. When my granddaughter passed I decided that I would grieve the way I needed to and if others wanted to greive differently that was fine. I've pretty much sifted out who I can talk to and who I can't.

As for all the other stuff - having a bit more trouble with that. I'm not quite ready to share the circumstances of why this events upset me so much but I can share this. Someone who was completely oblivious to my granddaughter's situation said some very hurtful things to me regarding her life and her care. I am having a really hard time getting the things she said to me out of my head - I thinkk that's where I need to start with the counsellor because that was the event that triggered all of the emotional fallout. Its like I can't get out of that room and I can't get her words out of my head. I'm really hoping that if I learn how to live with and process everything from that event I will be in a much better place.

[Jeff's Mom]

Those days that you feel so down are to be expected. It is after all not all that long since you lost your granddaughter. It is going to take a long time for both you and your husband to find a comfortable way to carry your grief. We are all different. As to the concern of others comments. Oh my, that is a long discussion on this site. We all are very aware of the need for others to soften their comments. My only advice to you is to let it go. Focus on what really matters. Honor her memory in a way that gives you peace and comfort. It is a personal thing. We are all different in this. Frankly I am at a point that I have decided that I will no longer try to appease others. I am only concerned in trying to exist in relative harmony and peace with others. However, having said that my son and his life will always be uppermost in my heart. I am not prepared to let it go to make somebody else feel more at ease. He existed and he definitely made a huge impact in this life. I honor his memory by not forgetting him. Good luck withyour counselor. I truly hope that it helps. Hang in there. Kate

[PJ Grandma]

So I went to see the counsellor today and she was very helpful. Told me that while my family's behavior is hurtful it is not unusual. She told me that we have all suffered a terrible loss and none of us will be thinking straight - we all just need to cut each other some slack. She told me that I should feel free to greive anyway I choose so long as it does not hurt others so my husband and I will continue to visit our gd as often as we want to. I will go to see her a few more times just to make sure I'm on the right path to healing but I really do feel much better than I did a few days ago.

[Jeff's Mom]

I am so glad that things went well for you. I hope that you felt a degree of peace after you left your appointment. Just follow through with what she mentioned and let your inner instinct lead you. You will be ok. It is just going to take a lot of time to come to grips with your loss. It takes time and patience to allow yourself to heal. Good luck.