As days go by...

[Silvergirl61]

It's been nearly a year now. i still can't believe that I am forced to face the rest of my days, without the love and strength by my side. I miss his smile. I miss his voice. I miss seeing the brightest thing in my world. I have pictures , and memories. I have the gifts he gave to me..but some days, they all seem so meaningless, and so sad. I try to fight those feelings away, as much as I can, but let's face it..this sadness at his loss is eternally a part of me now. I know friends and family keep hoping that it will go, and that all the happiness will return, but that happiness is gone, and behind me. I struggle on, trying to find new reasons to smile, new things to excite and interest me, and some days, I succeed.

People encourage me, to put things away, get rid of them, and move on. I have to move on, I know this. I can't just stop being, because it hurts.But I also know this- I will carry him in my heart, all the days i have left, and I will never stop missing him. His impact on my life was too momentous, too important, and too real to be forgotten. How do I forget the friend who was always there for me? How do I forget the whispered words, the sense that I truly had someone who understood all of the things in my heart, and who loved me without reserve? The one who would give anything to spare me pain, who would never fail me, never forget me? If he was the one, he'd find a way to live on, but he would love me still, just as i love him.

I took his diamonds off my hand, and put them away. He bought them, and told me they were a symbol, of how brightly I shine, and how beautiful i am- and that any flaws i thought i had didn't matter to anyone.. I was still and always would be precious. I wore them to please him, because he wanted me to...and because his words filled my life with a peace and a strength I had never felt before. Now, it is just a ring..pretty and special..but I don't think I want to wear it anymore.

Our wedding bands are Celtic eternity bands..and i will keep them both on my hand yet. I know I am no longer married, but they have a different meaning now. Love is endless. It doesn't require a limit, of time or place. He has gone into eternity, without me for now...but they are a promise, that I will see him again some day, when time and place have a new meaning, and when distance is only a word from the past. If that displeases some people, then they are free to scoff, laugh, or think I am crazy , stupid , or misguided. Love can be forever...and that brings me peace.

[catz]

that was a beautiful post Sg. But happiness isnt gone, its just out of reach for now. And yes, there will always be sadness i think, how can there not be? but eventually, his memory will bring more smiles than tears, at least thats what i hope, for you and for me and all the rest of us. You are a very strong and you give me hope, so thank you for that.

[Sammijo2424]

A friend wrote me a letter after my husband died and in it she stated.....Loss without pain is not a life well lived. Your pain is a tribute to the well lived life of your husband and the love the two of you shared. That really struck home for me and somehow brought me a small moment of peace in the midst of my sadness and horrible pain. I once asked my daughter 'how can my heart keep beating with this terrible pain, how can a person cry so many tears and still survive', her answer was "because there is no other choice and because God still has work for you". It has been 5 months and I still have no idea what the work is and so many days I still beg God to just let me die so I can be with my husband, but I know deep down that my husband wants me to be happy again, that is all he ever cared about...making me feel happy, safe and oh so loved. He did a really good job of that, I always felt loved, safe and happy with him. I have been asking myself a lot lately if God decided to punish me for all the bad things I had done in my life, I just feel so guilty about so many things including not saving my husband, not forcing him to go to Dr or ER sooner, but I also know that God loves me no matter my sins, it is just taking time for my brain and heart to know the same all the time.

Silver girl, your post just really touched my heart because so much you wrote, I also feel and it was just so beautifully stated, I knew it came from your heart and I totally agree Love is endless, eternal.

[LizzyW]

THank you for writing such a beautiful post. It's really touching, and I can identify on many levels. Hugs to you, and I wish you peace and joy when the time arrives that you can experience it once again. I'm still at the point that I don't know how it will happen, or when, and it's difficult to cope with that, but I will hang in there and wait for time to dull the pain, and leave room for the sweet memories.

[MissingDaniel]

This post brought me to tears, Silvergirl. It has been exactly 3 months for me - a Friday night just like this. And I was sitting here feeling sad and amazed how the world has kept turning for 3 whole months, when I pulled this up. You expressed your thoughts beautifully. Thank you for your words. I can't imagine how I'll feel when it hits a year, but I hope that I have found even some of your insight. Blessings to you and all of us.

[Silvergirl61]

I too, have had days, when all I do is feel the loss, and hope that it's the last day, the last time, and that i won't be here without him any more...but at those low and terrible times, I also can feel the love, and hear his voice in my head, telling me, that time is shorter than i believe it can be, and that there is no rush, that he will always be with me, that he promised me he'd never leave me. He hasn't, not all the way. I can close my eyes, and see his face. I can listen to the music we loved, or walk out into the beautiful day, and feel the light on my face and the breeze in my hair, and know that he's part of the infinite wonder that surrounds us. The body he inhabited is gone, it's true...and I miss his solid presence...but no-one we love really ever leaves us entirely. The ones who touch our hearts so deeply, that they become a part of it, will be with us for always, and beyond it. Live for them, so they will be remembered, with love.

[needy]

Beautiful post, Silvergirl.

[lost and numb]

Beautiful post Silvergirl.

You touched my heart and brought me to tears.

We said we'd love each other forever and always. I know that I will always have him in my heart. Though I wish above all things to have him in my arms.

Hugs

Ann

[Silvergirl61]

As the one year mark gets closer and closer..I know that although i am still sad, still cry often, and still miss him with a terrible ache that never goes away completely.. I am learning to live with this reality.

The signs I see, the thoughts that come, and the love I still feel...they are all here , and this is probably as good as it gets. I'm always going to have days, when I miss him so much..it breaks my heart a little more. It makes me softer than i was, less judgemental in some ways, and even more aware..of what is really important to me, and why I feel the way i do about some things. He opened my mind to thoughts I hadn't considered, pointed out facts I didn't know, and shared visions of things i had never before seen. I am forever changed,because he was part of my life...and he made it all so much better! It's up to me, to continue to grow, and to honor the man he was...because he loved me, with all his heart, and every day he lived. The last day, he laughed and hugged me, and the final thing he did before time stopped for him, was kiss the top of my head, and laugh, one more time. He told me once, he laughed that way, because he thought about the days, when he thought he'd always be alone, and no-one would ever love him- the real him, just like he was..and all the time...there I was, and he couldn't see it. He thought it was funny he didn't realize, he had everything he wanted, all that time. Maybe we were just so blinded by what we thought we wanted..that we didn't see it, but I think our hearts knew it...just like mine knows...he's still with me, even if I can't see him now. He matter of factly told me, at one point, that he hoped i would find another love, if something happened to him. He didn't want me to be alone and sad. He would understand, and know it had nothing to do with our love, and he would be happy knowing that I was- just like I was happy for him when he had found someone he thought he wanted , before we got together. We should have known, because every time we were very happy or very sad, the first person we would want to call...was the person we needed the most. Your heart always tells you the truth, if you listen to it, instead of listening to all the things that steal your happiness, and waste your precious time. Find the things that give you peace, bring you joy, and make your heart feel light- those are the things that will save you, when the world feels dark and cold. Brightest blessings, fellow travellers- have a peaceful night.

[OldGeek]

Beautiful thoughts. I thing acceptance is an important part of grief healing, but it doesn't always come all at once or on any schedule. We will never forget, and perhaps never love as deeply again, but maybet we can find an alternate happiness.